First Days

I,m on hold right now. I had to call my dumb internet company because my bill doubled this month and I am too poor and stubborn to pay it. Hopefully, I can be a greasy baby and they,ll lower my bill to what it once was. This is actually the third time I,ve been on hold. I called last week and they said that there weren,t any cool deals that would make my bill super cheap so I should call back this week and try again. That,s what I,m doing right now.

I called a few minutes ago and went through the robot menu and then it hung up so I called back. I think it just hung up again a second ago. I don,t know. I can,t tell. I,m still on the line, but it,s silent. Maybe they,re waiting for me to make the first move. I just yelled, ,,Hey dummy,,, but I didn,t get a response which means that I basically just called myself a dummy and now the internet is laughing all the way to the bank.

I,m going to hang up and try once more. It,s very annoying, but at least it,s giving me something to write about. I wouldn,t have known what to do without all of this calling and holding and talking to robots. I wonder if the guy who recorded all of this automated menu stuff got paid a lot. I wonder if he,s dead. I wonder if he ever had to call about his bill being too high and had to listen to his own voice and talk to himself.

Let,s see if it hangs up again. It made the hang up noise, but this time the recording is still rambling incoherently. I think that,s a good sign. I guess we,ll see. It said that it was super busy right now so I may have to wait a while. Maybe I,ll just keep writing about what,s happening. That,s going to be rough if anybody every picks up on their end, though. I have a tough time talking and typing simultaneously. Also, I,m listening to music and I,m on speakerphone. This is going to be their worst call of the day.

Toro Y Moi - Samantha I should know better since I basically have the same job. I answer idiots, phone calls and tell them how to do things so simple that it is an incredible embarrassment to us both. I don,t know better, though. I am who I hate the most in this world.

Even though I,m just sitting here and waiting for some goon to make my internet bill lower, I feel like I,m doing a lot. I,m doing a lot of things that are very passive all at the same time. My clothes are being washed by a machine, I,m proofing some dough so I can eat a loaf of bread for dinner, I,m writing, I,m getting my internet bill taken care of, I,m listening to music, and I,m about to take a sip of water. Ahh, that was refreshing. I hope to the good Lord that nobody bothers reading this. This is likely the worst thing I have ever written.

I,m still on hold. The worst part is that I,m listening to music and there is hold music so both songs are ruined. I wish I could make a living making hold music. That reminds me, I wanted to make myself a new ringtone today. Maybe I can do that while I,m on hold and writing. Let,s find out.

I was making a little ditty to use as a ringtone after being on hold for twenty minutes and a goon picked up and yelled at me for a minute and then went to transfer the call and it hung up. They win this round.

Seeing Important Things

I got extremely sick for a few hours yesterday. It was really bizarre. I have never experienced anything like it before. I woke up feeling fine and ate a weird breakfast and four or five hours later I developed a splendid headache and a sparkling swirl of nauseousness. It was truly exquisite.

I took a nap way too late in the day because I figured that sleeping was the cure. It wasn,t though. I felt even worse when I woke up so I went back to sleep. When I woke up again, I was confused because it was dark and it felt like my eyes were boiling.

MCFERRDOG - Lawd Forgive Me I made a nice dinner and threw it away because the sight of it made me want to die. I put a block of ice on my head even though I didn,t have a fever because that,s what I normally do when I,m sick. It didn,t help at all. I was inches away from death so I decided to slime my way into bed so I could die with a pillow under my head.

I blacked out and regained consciousness in the wee hours of the morning. I stood up expecting to fall to my knees from the searing brain pain, but I didn,t. I felt completely fine. Had I just dreamed it all? Was my short-lived illness real? Was I real? Am I dead right now?

A Constant Stream

Until extremely recently, I had never ordered food and had it delivered to my home. It doesn,t make sense to me. I,m not going to pay for food and then pay for somebody to bring it to me when I have a car. Even if they don,t charge you to bring it to you, I,m not going to wait forty-five minutes for some goon to shake it up and drive it to me. I can do that myself way faster.

All of that changed this past week, though. Somebody told me that some deli was going to be giving away unlimited free sandwiches all weekend as long as you had them delivered to you which was also free. It sounded insane and it was. I have eaten so many free sandwiches in the past four days. It has been incredible. I just ordered one and put it in the refrigerator because I,m not even hungry and as soon as I did that I thought, ,,I,m going to have to eat again at some point tomorrow. I had better order another sandwich,,, so that is exactly what I did. I,ve got another on the way right now. I am in love with free food. 

Mac DeMarco - Some Other Ones Yesterday I worked at a big music festival. It was gross. The people were gross. The blonde dreadlocks were gross. The sun was gross. The dust that is still deep in my lungs was gross. It was all gross, but sometimes being gross pays the bills and I,ve got several bills that like being paid. 

I think my eyes got sunburned. They kind of itch and hurt today. Also, I think I got sun poisoning. I don,t know if that,s actually a thing, but I was in the sun so much yesterday that I now feel like I,m sick. I think it,s the sun,s fault. I guess it could be my fault for only eating sandwiches, but sandwiches are good for you. I don,t think the sandwiches would do me wrong like that. 

Singing To Yourself

I just drove to an antique fair and drove back home. There were so many old people. I don,t know what I expected. It,s an antique fair. The only demographic is the elderly. I guess I just had no idea how many old people there were. There were hundreds and hundreds of them. They were bent in half and slowly stumbling across every intersection and they were quivering on every sidewalk. It was too much for me to take so I left. I,ll go back later at one or two once they,re all asleep.

I think it,d be nice to meet my future spouse at an antique fair. Nobody would believe us when we,d tell them how we met. ,,Well, I was laughing at the price tag on a mirror because who in the world would pay over twelve dollars for a piece glass that shows a picture of an ugly ghoul whenever you look at it? After I caught my breath from running away because I had dropped and smashed the mirror, a beautiful lady asked me if I was alright. I looked up and saw her face and she was under fifty and the rest is history.,,

AFX - Orphaned Deejay Selek 2006-08 Another good place to meet a future spouse would be through Yelp. That would probably be the most embarrassing. You,d have to tell people that you saw her review of a restaurant you were thinking of going to with your current significant other and it was so scathing that not only did you not go to the restaurant, but you did not see your lover ever again. You spent the next eighteen months scouring Yelp for other reviews written by the angry beauty. You found one positive review of a coffee shop that,s eighty miles from where you live. You wake up three hours earlier than usual every day and drive there to have breakfast and maybe see here. After two years, the effort pays off. She comes into the coffee shop and she marries you on the spot.