Sewing Lessons

The other night I went to a very cold punker show. I didn,t really watch or listen to any of the bands. I don,t like that kind of music or any music. I mostly stood outside in the dirt and felt how cold it was. In that respect, it was a pretty successful show.

I didn,t have to spend any money, which was nice. I did, however, end up smelling like a toad because I sat on an outdoor couch for a little while. I was stained with toad-stink. Luckily, I get to wash all of my clothes for free at my work. Unluckily, I got a very nice haircut the other night and put all of my hairy clothes in the washing machine with the rest of my clothes and now everything is hairy. The shirt I,m wearing right now feels like there are twenty tiny needs gently bothering my back. My jacket doesn,t smell anymore though. I would say it,s a fair trade.

Jensen Sportag - Pure Wet EP
Before the show started, a few people were standing outside in the dirt with me. A strange dog ran from the shadows and grabbed the shoe off of a weird girl,s foot. We all laughed at her misfortune as the dog would bring it near her and then run away. Nobody did anything to help except for a fat kid who was probably trying to impress her. She had stretched ears and a dumb hat on and he seemed like the kind of guy to like that sort of thing. She eventually got her disgusting dog mouth covered shoe back. It was sort of like that children,s story about the shoe. I really can,t remember what it,s called. Was Cinderella the one with the shoe and the guy has to find the foot that fits it? The internet says yes.

This shirt didn,t look like it had that many hairs on it when I put it on. I figured I could just shake it out a few times and be free of them. I was wrong. It took a few hours for them to kick in. That,s the real trick. If I would have felt them right away I could have put on a less hairy shirt. All of my shirts are hairy but to different degrees. The one I am wearing right now is ,,sort of,, hairy.

Tattoos

I haven,t brushed my teeth in two years. What I mean by that is that I haven,t been to a dentist,s office in two years. That,s not completely true, it will be two years this Thursday. But, I,m going to the dentist that day so it,ll balance out perfectly and they,ll only have to remove my bottom teeth, not all of them. If you don,t go to the dentist for two years they take half of your teeth away as punishment. If you wait more than two years, they take all of your teeth.

I started flossing a week ago. I,ve never done that before and I,ll tell you why - because it is awful. It is one of the least fun things I have tried to do regularly and voluntarily. Blood gets everywhere. My hands and mouth and torso are almost completely covered in blood by the end of it. I almost wrote ,,blog,, instead of ,,blood,,.

Ekkehard Ehlers - A Life Without Fear
My teeth are really jammed together because I never got braces like most white kids did. I don,t know why. One of my front teeth clearly overlaps the other. It,s like they,re hugging. Maybe everybody thought that my hugging teeth were adorable and that,s why I never got them fixed. Now I have to live with the consequences. I,m hoping that if I floss vigorously enough at sharp right angles I will be able to slowly pull my front teeth from their loving embrace and I will look like a human being for the first time since I was a dumb baby without any teeth.

I should really look up if self dental surgery is cool and find out some tricks, tips, and shortcuts. I don,t want to look like this forever. I,m already hurting myself everyday with floss so I might as well go all the way and pull my teeth into whatever position I want them. Maybe I,m getting ahead of myself. I,m sure the dentist will tell me that I need all new teeth anyway. Then I,ll be able to get them however I want. I,ll get rap teeth.

Crab Filled Shrimp

Last night the ol, Death Cab For Cutie cover band played a show that a house that you may have heard of before. It was interesting. They cooked a pizza and had wine. I told you it was an adult house. There seemed to be a lot of people everywhere and I almost constantly felt like I was accidentally touching somebody.

There was a girl there with half a head of blue hair and I don,t think she was joking about it. She had a very sincere look to her. She was wide. She was like a lighthouse. I know that,s not a great description because lighthouses are often tall and thin, but she was tall and wide so please think of that. She was a lighthouse wearing all black with half of a blue head and a bad attitude.
Matmos - The West
The strangest part of the evening was not watching my friend jam his finger into the body of a soft, weeping pumpkin, it was when some long-haired nerd came and talked to me. I was leaning against a wall because I am a cool guy and that,s what we do, and a grease-head wearing a leather jacket came and leaned next to me. At first I just thought that he was copying me because he noticed how cool, calm, and collected I looked. I was wrong. He was on a mission.

He leaned next to me in silence for two or three minutes before asking me if I saw a girl standing across the room wearing a brown jacket. I said yes and he then told me that if I wanted her number, I just had to go over and ask her because she would totally give it to me. Then he told me that same thing again. Then he said it again but phrased it a little differently. I kept saying, "Ok," each time in a surely-bewildered voice. He then asked my name and told me his and assured me that he was the girl,s brother,s best friend and left.

I didn,t even really see the girl. I saw her back. I know that she had a back covered in a brown jacket, but that,s all I know for sure. After that I immediately left and felt bad for the sweet, tiny girl who was probably having a prank played on her by that guy who told me to ask for her number. Maybe her phone had just broken and he wanted to rub it in her face. Maybe he was trying to play a prank on me because she was deaf and I would have felt uncomfortable asking a deaf girl for her phone number upon realizing that she was deaf. Why would a deaf girl be at a show?

Secret Ten Dollars

I can,t believe I haven,t been super sick yet this year. I know the year only started a few days ago, but I usually get sick in the winter. The only hypothesis that I have to account for my boosted immunity is that I have been eating a gross amount of mandarins for the past two months. I just went and bought ten more pounds today. A few weeks ago I picked myself twenty pounds.

I have been eating almost ten pounds of mandarins a week. My left thumb nail, or my peeling nail as I like to call it, it permanently stained a gross yellow-orange. My feces are almost completely composed of the white inner skin that mandarins have. You know, the dumb part of the mandarin that lives between the peel and the fruit. I hate that part. Sometimes I am too lazy to pluck it all off of the wedges so I end up eating it. That is the only thing that I have eaten that makes it all the way through my body. The rest is just juice and the juice doesn,t come out of that hole.
Slim Whitman - Rose Marie
My New Year,s resolution is to tie everything in with X-Men. It is going to be very difficult because I know almost nothing about them, but I think I can do it now by saying that Wolverine had a strong immune system. Maybe he just couldn,t die. I don,t know but I am still counting this as an effective tie in. What if actually mentioned X-Men in every one of these this year? It would matter as much if I mentioned anything because the only people who might be reading this were accidentally directed here in their search for baby erections or pierced butt holes.

I almost never look at the statistics for this thing, but I did before I wrote this and some of the keywords that were searched that lead people here in the last week included Baby boner, Sex movies, ,,Woman peed all over,,, Apples and bullets, and Spearmint candy. I,m glad that I am still regularly writing this thing. The good Lord knows that I don,t do it for myself. I do it with the hope that people will accidentally read it and it will make them mad that they wasted their time.