My Voice Smells Like Garlic

Christmas is sometimes called Xmas because of X-Men. I have never read any of those comics or seen any of the movies, but I used to watch the cartoon when I was younger and I always liked Gambit because he was from New Orleans and I don,t think I knew what that meant. Maybe I thought it was a planet.

I always hated the little girl that shot fireworks as her power. That was useless. I may actually be making her up right now or she may have been a character on Captain Planet. Either way, I don,t plan on looking up those shows to check my facts. The bottom line is that it was Xmas the other day and I celebrated the way those dead mutants would have wanted me to - I worked.

Ryuichi Sakamoto - Beauty
The night before I stayed up really late so I could go hang out with my friend because that,s what I do every year. I drive forty miles and hang out with my friend in the cold for a few hours and then drive home. It,s a good tradition. I hope it never ends. We played with garbage and talked about how somebody in the world looks like a goose-human hybrid and we both think that that is kind of hot for some reason.

That means that I only got to sleep for three or four hours before going to work. It was weird. I felt impossibly tired. I almost liked it except that it made time gross and bendy and everything took forever. Maybe that,s because I was waiting so hard for work to be over. Whatever. I made a good X-Man lunch (baked macaroni and cheese but I didn,t use macaroni noodles because those are dumb. I used penne because those are less dumb).

That night, my dad made me a weird dinner that was delicious and I gave him a book that he acted like he liked. He is so good at that. He always yells in excitement when I give him something. That,s what makes a good dad, pretending to care about the gifts that are given to you by your children. It doesn,t matter if you,re an alcoholic or you molest, all that matters is your acting ability come Xmas time. That,s what the season is all about.

Bad Food

My Death Cab For Cute cover band played at a grown up house last night. It was weird. The house was in a neighborhood of respectable homes with Christmas lights and cars and families rather than being in an alley where homeless people go to poop. That alley is by my apartment. We call it Poop Alley because there is so many streaks of poop on the wall.

I got there really early because I am an idiot. Nobody was there except the poor host. She was dressed like and adult and they had wine glasses there. That,s how I knew it was a grown up house. We watched Tom Hanks shake his head on television for a while. It was quiet and strange so we left and walked to a store which was extremely bleak and suicidal. They didn,t have any juice.

When we got back, the punkers had begun to arrive. I sat on the couch with some friends and had a nice conversation. There was a guy sitting on a couch across the room who kept jumping into our little talk. He was so excited and about something that seemed not to exist. He was from Ashland, Kentucky. He started by telling us about the records that he kept putting on. Then he would hear somebody say something and start asking questions about it that nobody cared about the answers to. He asked if Brooklyn was near Manhattan just because he liked the idea of words coming out of his mouth. I mentioned to somebody that I had eaten a burrito for lunch and that the restaurant that I went to prepares their burritos on a grill and they serve them flat. The young man from Ashland, Kentucky told me that I had eaten a quesadillia. When I protested he then told me that I had eaten a taco.

Krzysztof Komeda - Astigmatic
Of course, the topic eventually moved to eating horses and he said that if he had it his way, he would eat fish all the time. He kept suggesting things. I couldn,t figure him out. I don,t know if he was weirded out by being around so many people or if he is just like that around anybody. The only glimpse I got into the possible reasoning for his madness was that he mentioned putting half of a can of Mountain Dew in the fridge because he didn,t think that it would be a good idea for him to finish it all. Maybe he has a very low tolerance for sugar or caffeine or carbonation or aluminum and those five ounces really got him going. I can,t be sure. The only thing I am sure of is that I will miss him and I wish I knew his name and phone number and address because he was a rare breed.

Everything broke when we played and we sounded bad and ruined every song. There was a group of three young girls sitting in a hallway texting as we played. They had the right idea.

Martin Luther King Junior

Sometimes I wonder if I am going to die soon because so many of my dinners are the same or almost exactly the same. I eat penne pasta very often. I always have a big bag of it at work so that makes up at least two of my dinners each week. The other five to seven dinners (I sometimes have, what I call, second dinner) are often pasta based dishes such as more penne or stir fry. I am almost positive that I only have between six and eight weeks left to live.

I,m sure this feeling would change if I decided to eat human food, but I think we all know that that is not going to happen. Have you even ever tried pasta? It,s really good. It,s also very cheap and that is probably the most important thing. I was just trying to think of what I could do tonight to make sure that I don,t eat pasta for dinner and I think my only other option would be English muffin/mustard sandwiches or rice which is basically tiny little pastas.

The Weeknd - House Of Balloons
So far today I have eaten a bowl of cereal, a sandwich, and a weird packaged Indian-style meal of yellow vomit and spicy fecal balls which were probably some kind of pasta. Those Indian things are cool because they,re only a dollar, but they put a bunch of bay leaves in there and sometimes I accidentally eat one and I don,t want to eat bay leaves. I think I was always taught to take those out of whatever you,re cooking before you serve it because they are more poisonous than snakes or some poisonous lizards. I don,t know.

Well, I just looked up ,,Why do you remove bay leaves?,, on Google and the first thing that comes up is titled Bay leaf - Will it kill you? Obviously the answer is yes. I don,t get why they leave it in the weird gravy soup. Maybe they are still mad about England being jerks to them. That shouldn,t have to effect me though. I didn,t vote for England. Not my president. I wish I was a fifteen year old girl with ugly hair so I could make a patch that says Not My President and put it on my Nightmare Before Christmas backpack.

Plumber

I went to a punker show the other night. I didn,t feel right there. My hair was too long and my boots were too nonexistent for that group. They were nice enough though. I actually don,t know if they were nice or not. I watched one band and spent the rest of my time there inside of a house watching people fight on television. It was a strange, enjoyable evening.

I had never seen a UFC fight before. All I knew about them was that jerks like to watch them and that some people like to wear black shirts with skulls and roses on them. I mostly paid attention to how weird their ears looked. I think there were three or four matches on the show and every person,s ear looked like a melted plastic bag. It made me want to be an ultimate fighter too. I think I could. Some of them weighed as much as me but they were several inches shorter and were made of more than a semi-translucent quilt of skin covering brittle, ugly, chalk bones.

Aloha - That,s Your Fire
I eventually left and went to have some din-din at a nice little Mexican place. ,,Mexican place,, sounds really racist. There was a man shaped like a bowling ball there who was talking into an old hacky sack filled with triple A batteries as if it were a cell phone. He was sitting at a table surround by food that he had dropped or smashed onto the floor and asked me and all of the people I was with if he could get a ride down the street. He did it in a very strange way. He came up to the side of me as I was about to order and repeatedly said, ,,Hey, bro. Hey, bro. Hey, bro,, and when I would look to him signaling that I heard what he had said, he would stand motionless for a few moments so I would look away, thinking that he may have been speaking to somebody else (he was wearing sunglasses so I couldn,t see who he was looking at). He did it again and I looked at him a little bit longer until his spit-covered lips puked out a mumbly sentence at me. He was clearly looking for a victim rather than a car ride so I had to decline his offer to sit next to me in my tiny car.

The rest of the evening was spent eating burritos and talking about backpacks. I guess backpacks are expensive. I,ve had the same one since I was in eighth grade. My friend said that she would give me a backpack that she had sitting in her closet because she didn,t know who it belonged to, but she probably won,t because I bet she,s a backpack tease. Most girls are backpack teases.

New New New

I went to a show last night to watch some Japanese people play music. It was at a fancy bar that I don,t like because it,s always full of people who are at a fancy bar. It,s also sort of expensive to go there and I don,t like doing that sort of thing. It was worth it though. The people playing sure were Japanese and that,s what I payed top dollar to see. The singer wore very tall shoes.

There was an old guy there who kept smashing into people. He would alternate between purposefully running into people around him and doing weird dances that I think he copied from the Austin Powers film series. He had a nice head of grey hair and looked like the uncle that always tried to embarrass you in front of your friends but would also buy you alcohol when you were fifteen so you put up with him.

Dying Hero/So Stressed - A Significant Figure
I don,t think he came with anybody. He was just there supporting the scene. He could have been there because his nephew couldn,t go because it was a twenty one and up show so he went to pass on a message to those four Japanese people. That,s probably the most realistic reason why he was there. It doesn,t really explain the strange dancing but I can,t tie up every loose end every time I see an old guy smashing into/hugging a bunch of weird smelling, ugly punker kids. He was probably a nice guy though. He did do his fair share of hugging which is rarely seen at cool guy shows like this was. That was sweet of him.

I looked at a blog about fly fishing for a long time the other day and since then my sleep schedule has been off. I am very tired but I shouldn,t be.

I Know Who You Are But I Do Not Care

When I was in sixth grade I had to go to a camp towards the end of the school year. I think pretty much everybody went. It was five days long and it was supposed to be cool because you could bring a ton of candy and stay up late every night and you didn,t have to do school work for a week. It was also where the only sixth grade dance took place. Kids weren,t allowed to dance in those days.

I remember the bus ride taking a long time and stopping in this horrible strip mall so everybody could eat. I went to Arby,s and filled my delicate frame with over a half pound of thin sheets of beef. It was gross and I was proud of myself. I remember getting there and being underwhelmed. Everything was covered in bugs. We had to sit in a room and listen to somebody talk about rules which was probably boring. I,m piecing all of this together from super brief, tiny fragment memories that are more than likely all fabricated.

Run DMT - Dreams
The little cabins we stayed in were each split into two sides with four beds. I was with some of my friends and we stayed up late listening to KoRn CDs and putting little packets jelly in the kids, shoes that were staying in the other side of the cabin. Suckers. I think we also figured out how to turn their heater all the way up and break the knob so they couldn,t turn it down.

It was the second night there when I woke up in the middle of the night and threw up on everything. That was a bummer. I went a took a shower while the older guy that was chaperoning our cabin tried to hose off the horrible slime that came out of my body onto the bed. He also tried to teach us how to make a bong at some point. After that I was bedridden. I missed going to the beach to look at weird crabs. I missed going on some hike. I missed getting my first kiss. I missed my first dance.

I continued that dance tradition and never went to any. I even won homecoming king when I was a senior in high school and didn,t go. I also never went to the bathroom throughout my four years of high school. I also kept not getting my first kiss for a really long time.

Onion Ring

I work with a tiny Hispanic woman on the weekends. She cleans stuff with me. Actually, she cleans stuff and I sit. She doesn,t really speak any English and I don,t really speak any Spanish and it,s probably better that way. It,s always fun acting like I know what she,s talking about. I could just make up words when I,m talking to her and she would have no idea.

She,s older. She has kids. She treats me like a kid, which is completely fine. She brings me food. This last weekend she brought me a piece of bread one day and the next day she brought me a piece of fruit and a bean and cheese sandwich that she made. It was awesome. I had never thought of a bean sandwich, but now I think about them all the time. Beans are a good thing to put on or in other things. I usually put beans in soup when I make it. Three bean salad. That wasn,t a sentence.

Charles Dodge - Any Resemblance Is Purely Coincidental
I used to make beans on toast because I had heard English people mention it so often. That was alright. It,s sort of like a bean sandwich except it,s better if you,re really poor because you can just save the top bread for later and only use the bottom bread. That,s probably why they started doing that. The potato famine made it so all English people couldn,t put top breads on any of their bean sandwiches. That,s something they don,t teach you in school.

This Friday should be fun. It,s supposed to be my favorite day of the year. I,m going to drive to a place where I can get free mandarins. There,s nothing wrong with that. It,s supposed to rain, but there,s still nothing wrong with free mandarins. I love me a good tiny citrus fruit. The only thing that I am worried about is that I will end up getting a lot of the white, fibrous stuff from under the peel of the mandarins stuck in my beard and nobody will tell me about it because it,s always sort of weird to tell somebody they have stuff on their face for some reason.

Pretending To Be Asleep

I need some advice. How do you tell your friend that you hate them now because whenever you hang out with them they are almost constantly using their iPhone instead of actually interacting with a human being? I guess I could just say most of that sentence I just wrote to them, but I was thinking maybe I should write it in a card or maybe frost it onto the top of a cake or something. I don,t know. Maybe I should send him an email that gets my point across but uses a lot of smiley faces and hearts and stuff so it,ll be fun to read.

There are so many different ways to go about it. It,s tough. It,s pretty annoying to hang out with anybody who is super attached to a screen though. My old sweet roommate couldn,t talk or hear if he looked at a screen. My current roommate can talk but he can,t hear if there is even so much as a microwave timer display in front of him. It,s a strange thing. I know that I can multitask and hear and speak and look at something digital simultaneously, but maybe I am the anomaly. I hope not.

Steely Dan - Countdown To Ecstasy
I don,t actually hate my friend that loves his iPhone more than people. I just don,t know if he is very cool anymore. I understand using it as a toy when you,re bored or nobody is around, but it is so bizarre to me to use it whenever there,s a free moment. Maybe he has been bored his whole life and the iPhone is the exact thing that he,s always needed to fill that hole in his life. I don,t really think that,s true. We used to smash bottles on the ground and make big messes and we had fun then.

I actually am worried about this though. It has completely happened with one friend and it has mostly happened with another friend and now they are both sucky friends to hang out with. They,re not worse people or anything, I just have almost no interest in spending time with them. If it happens to all friends all over the world, then I,ll be out of luck. Maybe you have to consciously make that decision when you get an iPhone. Will you continue acting like a human being and interacting with people in real space or will you look at websites a lot and play games and send text messages forever? Maybe I can,t blame him for choosing his choice over the other. Maybe it makes sense to him because he really likes YouTube. I guess I,ll never know until I frost him that cake and we talk about this via whatever digital format he prefers.

Proven Eye

I went to a Halloween party the other night for under thirty minutes. I was surprised to only see one girl dressed up as the ballerina with black eyes from that movie called The Ballerina With Black Eyes. Everybody was great. The living room was full of weird gangsters and the balcony was full of girls yelling. Somebody offered me a marijuana, that was nice of them. A group of girls asked me to take their picture and to make them feel more comfortable I started yelling instead of talking and I took their picture on two instead of three in hopes that they would all have their eyes closed.

The next night I went to a weirdo music performance that I paid thirty five dollars to see. The music was weird but the weirdest part was going from watching a girl dressed as a bear yell at some guy standing eighteen inches from her about how she always fails quizzes in all of her classes the night before to being surrounded by bummed out old people who were not into what was going on on stage. It was cool that some of them walked out. I always like it when my Death Cab For Cutie cover band plays and people walk out. Sometimes that,s the point but even when it,s not, it,s still nice to bother somebody so much by something that you make that they have to leave. People are usually lazy too so it really means a lot to me if I can compel somebody to use energy and effort to move their body away from mine.

Jimmy Wakely Trio - The Fabulous Jimmy Wakely Trio
I,m surprised that nobody has harassed me about dressing up today. I spent all year planning on what I would say when somebody asked me why I didn,t dress up for Halloween. If it happens, I,ll tell them that I,m dressed as a child molester because they can look just like you and me. It,s a didactic costume really. Also, there is always that slight chance that I would say that to somebody who was either molested as a child or is the parent of a child who has been molested and they will beat me up. Almost anything I do anymore is motivated by the hope that I will get punched in the face.

I guess I could also say that I,m dressed up as the photographic proof that Osama Bin Laden is dead. I,m not wearing a costume because there is no proof and he is really alive living just outside of Las Vegas counting his money.

Wheezing

This morning I woke up early in order to give the hospital a fresh sample of my seminal fluid. That was fun. It wasn,t really that fun. It cost me ten dollars. That was a bummer. I did finally have the opportunity to say, ,,I am here to give you my sample,, while sliding a brown paper bag across a counter towards a middle age woman while raising and lowering my eyebrows repeatedly. I should have whispered to her, ,,Don,t worry, I won,t tell if you keep a little for yourself,, and then winked at her.

I hope they find out that I have been sterile my whole life and that me getting my tubes removed was useless. That would be a neat little surprise. An even nicer surprise would be if they told me that I have even more potent sperm than before. The best surprise would be if they told me I am H.I.V. positive. Let,s hope for that one. What a great Halloween that would be.

Secret Mommy - Extra Various
The weirdest part about giving a stranger a bag full of my goose juice was when she folded the top of it extra hard. I had already done the polite thing by folding and creasing the top so as not to let any sight of my ghastly seed be visible to anybody. Apparently this wasn,t enough though. She folded it again in a very angry, severe way. It made me feel like she knew just how bad of a person I really am.

She was not very helpful. When I asked her if she had any idea where I could find the lab results she told me she didn,t know. She said, ,,Maybe check the internet or maybe your doctor,s office.,, I left it at that but I don,t know what ,,check the internet,, means and I don,t have a doctor,s office. I guess I,m going to have to analyze things myself. I,ll have to try to get a bunch of people pregnant. If they don,t poop out a baby in a few months then I,ll know I,m in the clear. If they do, I,ll have to go back to the drawing board and change my name and move out of state.

Masturbating At Work

I,m feeling weird and sick right now. I feel barely sick. I feel like I drank out of an old copper mug that was rusty. I don,t know if copper can rust, but I,m sure if it could that it would make me sick if I drank from a container made of it. How about that for a start? I bet you can,t wait to read what comes next. I,m talking to myself. This is ridiculous. I paid ten dollars so I could have a website that nobody will ever see.

Whenever I feel sick I am compelled to drink a lot so I pee a lot because all bad things come out of the pee-hole. Pee comes out of there, sexually transmitted diseases come out of there, babies come out of there (that is only applicable with girl penises), sickness comes out of there if you drink enough water. I tried to look up why you,re supposed to drink a lot of water when you,re sick but I couldn,t. I found an answer online that simply said, ,,So you can pee the sickness out,, which sounds neither professional nor scholarly.

Drunkdriver - My Chinese Sister
I don,t think I,m really sick though. I,m probably just confused. I have only eaten bread or things that are made out of bread for the past five years so maybe what I,m feeling is my body begging for actual food. I did eat part of a baby goat the other day. Maybe my stomach isn,t capable of handling tender goat flesh. Who knows? A doctor would know but I,m not about to be a grown up and schedule anything. Besides, I bet I,ll feel better by tomorrow morning after I eat a lot more bread and probably potatoes or something. As long as it,s beige, I,ll put it into my body.

When I was in high school there was a kid named Larry that would eat weird stuff if you gave him money. I don,t think he was really poor or anything, he just didn,t have a personality and that was the way he liked to get attention. I saw him eat a smashed banana that somebody had thrown in the dirt on the baseball diamond once. Baseball dirt is the worst. It,s so coarse. It,s like cat litter. I wonder what Larry is doing today. He had very straight, greasy hair.

Two In A Row

The other day I went on a short trip with some of my friends. Actually, it was the other days. I was gone for two or three days and hung out with some Japanese people with long hair. It was a good time. I went to the beach but kept all of my clothes on because that,s the polite thing to do when you look like I do. I,m a gelatinous skeleton.

The first night of the trip I got to see a guy dressed up in a very short skirt. His name was Ben. He kept lifting his skirt to show his underwear. He was very full of himself and it made me uncomfortable. People shouldn,t be that into who they are. Nobody is really that cool. I,m probably the coolest person I know and I am not that great to be around a lot of the time. Ben sucked. I,m glad I,m not his friend.

Quiet Countries - The Ancient Motorcade

The next day I was in a very college town. Apparently there was legislature that was recently passed there that made it illegal to wear any footwear that isn,t UGG boots if you are a female between the ages of four and one hundred. There was a restaurant there that I really wanted to go to but didn,t for reasons that I can,t remember. It was a French fry restaurant that offered many, many different seasonings and dipping sauces. I think every block of every city should have a restaurant like that of varying quality and size. That way everybody could have their favorite place and people could say things like, ,,Let,s go get fries over at the spot on nineteenth street, they have the best weird wasabi sauce.,, And then the other guy would say, ,,No way, their fries are way too thick. I like thick fries but their,s are way too thick. They don,t get firm enough in the middle. Let,s go to the spot on twelfth street.,, and they would both agree because that place is awesome even though it,s really busy sometimes.

The day after that I was in a different city. It was cold and there was a famous rat painted on a wall that people were taking pictures of. That night was fun. I met up with some more friends and ate some chips and drove home really late and got three and a half hours of sleep before going to work in the morning. Before all of that driving home and not sleeping business, I sat in a room and somebody insinuated that I was doing heroin. I don,t think I was. I did poop that night though. That was nice. I hadn,t pooped in the few days prior which was strange because I had eaten Taco Bell every day.

The Sun Is In My Face

The other night my Death Cab For Cutie cover band played a dumb show in a really dumb office building. I call it an office building because the ceiling was made out of those big, soft, porous tiles and there were fluorescent lights and one wall was made up entirely of stacked boxes of files. It was sort of a weed office because the fat slob working there wearing the Cookie Monster shirt was smoking weed inside as were several other people. The place was a bummer. There was a swastika drawn on a couch. It was sort of like the show The Office because that show sucks now.

The people there were quite an interesting mix. Luckily, most of them left when we played because we just blasted a wall of noise for twenty five minutes. There were several very young nerds with greasy hair, several horrendous peace punks with bug-filled dreadlocks and ripped pants, several bewildered parents of the young greasies, and many more. All of them bummed me out and embarrassed me with equal vigor. I applaud them for that. It made me never want to grow up and never want to get younger.

Zach Hill - Lil Scuzzy
The only good part about the night was that I didn,t have to carry anything heavy because I kept acting like my nards would explode if I did. That and one of my friends brought two cute girls with him that I got to glance at every so often. Also, I had a tasty dinner afterward but that doesn,t count because I was far away from the office building at that point. So I guess the highlight was me not carrying stuff. That,s a pretty bad highlight.

I tricked one of my famous friends into playing with us and he smelled like an acidic clam afterwards.

Rooms

I finally got to go to the hospital yesterday without having some bald guy tell me that I wasn't welcome there after getting my no-no place scrubbed with poison. This time a stoner doctor (I think his name was Dr. Bad Ass Cool Guy That Surfs) kept referring to my testicles as ,,nuts,, and burnt some stuff out of me. He did a good job, I think because I still have at least one penis. It was an overall great experience and I think everybody should try it at least once.

The best part of the whole experience was hearing the sound of him burning things that belong inside of what he called my ,,nutsack,,. No, the real best part was the scrub nurse telling me that a lot of people get vasectomies because they are cheating on their wives. No, the real, real best part was that the doctor had long greasy hair and kept making strange jokes while he was touching me. No, the absolutely real best part was that he had braces on his bottom teeth. That,s the thing that kept me from falling apart on the operating table. Every time I felt any pain I would just glance up and look at him until I got a good view of his shiny adult braces. That,s the sign of a true professional.

Loretta Lynn - Sings
I don,t really feel too bad, which is nice, but I sort of wanted to so I could have an excuse to be a big baby and make people carry me places. I have been using the phrase ,,I went under the knife,, to try and get people,s sympathy and use them as work beasts to bring me snacks and juice. I didn,t even go under the knife though. There was no knife. He used a needle and a soldering iron to do most of it. I think he may have used a strand of his dirty hair to sew me up because the nurses were on strike that day and they took the, I don't know what they use. They probably use normal thread to sew people up. The nurses took the thread with them to go on strike.

They really were on strike yesterday. I got an email a couple of days ago saying that they would go on strike and picket the hospital for just one day and that,s when I was having my surgery, so that was nice. I liked knowing that the good nurses were outside, trying to get a living wage for the difficult work that they do while the backup, imported nurses were there to see to my safety. The scrub nurse that scrubbed my unmentionables was cool though. I couldn,t understand anything she was saying because of her thick Peruvian accent but I sure acted like I could. I hope I signed a waiver saying that they can harvest my organs in two years.

The River Had Tires In It

The other day I went on a weird, exhausting trip. I went over eight hundred miles so I could sit outside of one bar and get peer pressured and then sit inside of another bar and drink a glass of orange juice for two hours. After that, I went home. I was only there for five or six hours. I also ate some French fries and something called ,,Cheese bread sticks,, at a restaurant that had saddles for seats and offered an item called ,,Chicken rings,,.

I normally don,t hang out in or around bars because I get called a fag enough at home, but I did while I was there because everything else was closed. It was a Tuesday at six PM when I arrived and even the quilt shop had already shut its doors. The free museum too. I was planning on staying the night at one of the many great equine-themed motels but all of them were full because of a horse convention or something. I figured I was going to have to stay up all night or sleep in a discarded mound of chicken rings, so staying warm inside of The Wild Horse Saloon until two in the morning seemed like an alright idea.

The first bar I went to was called the Green Gander Bar. I didn,t actually go inside because I was driven away by one man,s repeated attempts to buy me a beer or mixed drink. He got mad when I politely declined and said, ,,Man, you need to start drinkin,. It makes it go a lot faster,,. He then told me a bunch of incorrect information about the area and then told me he used to work in a mine before he went to jail. Whoops. He said he was working now but didn,t tell me what he did so I,m guessing that means he,s a professional boxer of women that he is currently dating. I finally left the plastic bench in front of the Green Gander after he and two of his friends yelled incomprehensibly in my face after I turned down their friendly offer to ,,smoke a bowl,,.

Matmos - For Alan Turing
I then headed over the the beautiful Wild Horse Saloon. I like to think of it as more of a salon though. Not the hair kind of salon but the French philosopher kind. It was just a really great gathering of open minded people who were willing to exchange ideas about life, literature, art, and culture. When I arrived, three women were getting out of a truck, each with a beer in hand. I heard one of them say to another, ,,Bloody Marys won,t make you sick, they,ll just mess you up,, as they walked into the bar. The bartender was wearing a big black wig, very short denim shorts, and a big black hooded sweatshirt. Her body resembled a Fudgesicle. She kept calling me sweetie because she liked that I bought a one dollar glass of orange juice and didn,t tip her anything because I watched her put her ugly sausage fingers on my mouth,s end of the straw.

The patrons were all great. There was a man and a woman kissing passionately and it was everybody else,s job to watch them intently so as to make sure the image was burned into their brains for them to later recall when they were masturbating in their kids, bedrooms. There were a few people playing pool - a man and what I at first thought was a man but ended up being a woman. The man that wasn,t trying to trick me about being a man kept playing Marilyn Manson songs on the jukebox. Actually, it went from new country songs in which women sang about being one of the boys and drinking beer and having unprotected sex with strangers to club anthem rap songs to goth industrial mall metal. It was a very strange mix but I enjoyed all of my time there.

Eventually I had to leave because I was getting suicidal so I went to sit out in the cold. They had speakers outside to make sure I could hear what was playing inside. That was nice of them. I,m sad to be gone and I will miss all of it very much.

My Voice Sounds Bad

There are a ton of Hispanic-seeming girls at my work right now. I specifically chose the word ,,ton,, because most of them are kind of fat and once of them looks like three tractor tires stacked on top of each other covered in irregular clothes that Target tried to send back to the manufacturer. There are a lot of black Capri pants here. Her face looks a pumpkin that scared itself with black earthworms hot glued above its heavy, meat-filled eyelids. She,s the heftiest sow. Her neck looks like a decorating bag filled just beyond capacity with raw ground chicken. What if I wrote this entire thing describing how one person looks?

Dorian Concept - Her Tears Taste Like Pears
Her lips look like used tampons. That,s it. It,s a simple but fitting description. I have very little experience with menstruation and the type of things that fall from a woman,s body during the process but I am willing to bet that much of it is dark red in color. Maybe it fluctuates, but I think it would be between dark crimson and black on the blood-spectrum. Her lips are like swollen, wet cotton tubes filled with black and red blood speckled with endometrial lining chunks. The ghastly off-white color of her skin just makes the severity of her lips more apparent and nauseating. I want to kiss her because I want to puke in a girl,s mouth while kissing and I would no other option in that scenario.

Her face has a permanent, bewildered scowl on it. I don,t really think that,s all her fault. The bewilderment is probably her fault but the scowl is surely due to the weight of her jowls pulling down on her greasy mouth. God, her throat is so fat. Her arms look like mashed potatoes that were made with some of the skins still left on. She has pockmarks and spots of discoloration all over every inch of skin I have seen oo her. She is like a big grub. A big, hungry, confused, angry, scared, hungry, lonely, sad, hungry, swollen, hungry larva. I just want to feed her leaves and watch her pupate.

Staying Up Late And Watching Television Can Be Fun

Webster,s Dictionary defines the ,,D.M.V.,, as a zone which has been demilitarized. Webster,s Dictionary defines ,,demilitarize,, as the act of dissolving or making the army invisible or at least the army men much smaller. Webster,s Dictionary defines ,,or,, as a thing that means a paddle for a boat or something. The moral of these definitions is that I went to the D.M.V. earlier today.

What if somebody put out a really nice looking dictionary in which about thirty percent of the definitions were wrong? It would be marketed as a normal dictionary but it would be in the fiction section of bookstores and libraries. It looks like I just thought of my next project. I'm going to call it Webster Dictionary and use the same fonts and colors they use.

Guess what kind of people were at the D.M.V. Great people were at the D.M.V. I wasn,t there long so I probably missed it, but I did not get to see any surly black dudes listening to distorted music on the speaker of the phone that they procured (and will undoubtedly later try and sell) on some form of public transportation. They are a cornerstone of any mandatory mass gathering of people. I did, however get to see a floppy Hispanic girl covering her mouth with a piece of paper while asking somebody on the cellular phone she was trying to hide, ,,So, does like up mean right? Like, if you put your arm up that means right?,, as she was in line to take the written portion of her driving examination.

Hella - Tripper
My favorite character of the morning was a horrendous beast of burden. She was dressed how she imagined a raver would dress without ever having seen one herself. She looked fifty but smoking ice and sniffing crushed up Xanax can age you pretty rapidly so I can,t be sure of her age. She was a rough cut of meat though. She wore beautiful blue lipstick completely encircling her unevenly dilated eyes. She kept quickly looking up as high as she could without moving her head. The action seemed as if it was done against her will and caused her pain. She barked gravelly words that were often in English but were sometimes monosyllabic tones. She acted as if these tones were words but there is no way that it was any kind of formal language. She knew that. She was probably just too embarrassed to admit it.

She told some woman that she planned on looking beautiful for her driver's license picture and that she hasn't had a picture of herself with black hair since she was nineteen. She then asked the woman how long ago that was. I hope she somehow passed the driving portion of the examination while being completely intoxicated. She grabbed another woman that was walking near her and shouted, ,,Baby! Baby! Baby!,, because the poor girl was holding an infant. She then hugged the frightened Mexican and kissed the small child,s face, leaving it to live the rest of its life with several surely-incurable diseases.

The Gravy Plug

A cool girl with bleached top hairs and a tattoo of a cassette tape that said Punk Rock under it that was staying at my work went to Vans® Warped Tour ,11. She is gone now but she was nice enough to leave some stuff in her room for me to find. She left some Vegan Outreach literature as well as a PETA2 leaflet. She probably left it hoping that whoever found it would learn the error of their meat eating ways and become a vegan fashion punk. She is in luck. I am a black page readily waiting to be filled with the ideologies of those that have the means to print and distribute pamphlets.

Did you know that ,,Animals Are Like Us,,?

,,Pigs are smarter than dogs and young children. They are affectionate and like to play video games.

Hens and their chicks talk to each other ... even while the chick is still in the egg.

If you give an apple or a small ball to a group of turkeys, they,ll play with it together, kind of like they,re on a football or soccer team.

Cows are excellent mothers - they even take turns babysitting for each other!

Fish grow underwater algae gardens. Using their mouths like we use our hands, they weed out algae they don,t like so the tastier kinds can grow.,,

Arvo Pärt - Fratres
Wow, that,s some great, compelling information. Fish grow weed. This pamphlet was right, it really is everything I need to know about animal rights. I am so glad that that dumb punk rock girl left this for me to find. What an angel.

She was also gracious enough to leave the Vans® Warped Tour ,11 Official Program ,,We Are Warped,, Band Guide And Autograph Book. Let,s see if she got any great Warped bands to autograph this Alternative Press publication. Nope, no autographs. Bummer. But skimming this little magazinette has made me want to join the United States Marines and/or Army as well as wear brightly colored sleeveless shirts and have long, straight hair. I hope they have vegan and vegetarian meal options in the Army for me.

Happy Birthday

I went on a weird trip the other day. I went halfway up Oregon and then turned around and came home. I didn,t mean to go to Oregon. I don,t really care about that place. I meant to go to Wyoming because I like to pretend that I,m a cowboy because I listen to country music sometimes and Wyoming used to be called ,,The Cowboy State,,. Now it,s called ,,The Equality State,, which is fitting because that kid was tied to a fence and beaten to death there in the nineties because some hicks thought being gay was dumb. They are the dumb ones. Being gay is cool. I,m joking. It,s not cool. It,s as stupid as being anything else.

Oregon was alright. I ate some dust covered berries. They were growing next to the road and I just couldn,t help myself. They tasted fine but they were weird to eat because they were cooked by the sun. I had never eaten a hot berry before. It was very sensual and I don,t think I was in any sort of mood for anything sensual at that time. I also got some hose water from a blue Catholic church. That was nice of the good Lord and his hose. There were two wastoids watching me while I got my water. I knew that there were two of them but could only see one because they were sort of trying to hide. I overheard them mumbling and burping at each other incoherently until one of them shouted, ,,Old Hickory! He had wooden hands. He had wooden hands. He,s the guy. ,Don,t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!, That was a long time ago,,.

Das Oath - Mini LP
Later, I bought small tub of pasta salad without thinking things through (alliteration). The small tub ended up being gigantic in the hot August sun. I also learned that mayonnaise is not a great breakfast when you don,t like mayonnaise. It was nice wasting two thirds of it but I figured my body would thank me for throwing away two dollars worth of slop rather than subjecting my bowels to howling diarrhea and anal sweats. I ate some French fries later and those were fine.

I spent much of the trip falling asleep whenever I wanted. I stayed up the whole night before and was in a constant state of near-collapse from exhaustion. It was weird being able to immediately fall asleep in an instant. I have never enjoyed that luxury before. I usually have to think thoughts before I can fall asleep. Not this time. I just had to decide that I would sleep and in under a minute I would be having hunger induced night terrors. I would later wake up confused and disoriented. I would not know where I was and my head would itch and I would be convinced that I had lice.

Slingshot

Here,s something dumb. I made some tapes with my sweet little roommate and I am going to show you what they look like with a picture. I,m not talking to anybody. Nobody is reading this. Whatevs. You can buy one if you want or listen to the music on the tape. It,s rock and roll music, ever heard of it?

Drunkdriver - Born Pregnant
So if you want to hear the songs we pooped out or buy the cool looking tape we pooped out you can go here.

In other news, I didn,t poop for three days but I,m pooping normally now. That was weird but nice. I wish I only pooped once every three days. I would save water and I would probably steal less toilet paper from my work. What if people only pooped for four or five days out of the month sort of like the way girls squirt blood from their underwear? That would be alright too. It could get you out of doing P.E. in high school and you would have to learn that it,s a normal part of growing up in your sixth grade Sexual Education class. I,d like to see the state mandated videos they would show in that class to education boys and girls about their four day long turd fests.

Preparation

I,ve been spending far too much time dealing with medical stuff lately. First that doctor wouldn,t remove my balls, then my sweet little roommate had to go to the hospital because some girl broke his heart. Then today I had to go to a low income clinic with a friend of mine because they haven,t been feeling too great and they are poor. That was the worst of all of them.

The clinic was next to a condemned cafe that had a sign on the door that said that they would be closed for the summer because somebody had ,,turned their ankle,,. There were still dirty dishes in a sink inside. The clinic waiting room was filled with everything you would expect from a business like that. An elderly black man, two little girls pushing and punching each other and shouting, outdated signs and brochures about when you should get your children/pets vaccinated, bewildered staff, bare brick walls, and filthy chairs. It was incredibly gloomy.

Ernst Reijseger - Requiem For A Dying Planet
Right after I showed up, another woman came in, probably to have the lifeless fetus yanked from her tangled guts. She was excellent. She sat mostly in silence listening to her phone play the MP3s that were on it when she bought it from the convenience store by her ex-boyfriend,s apartment. She only had one earphone which she let drag on the ground behind her until she sat down. She was probably in her mid-thirties but had clearly been through plenty of fun relationships and looked as if she were near fifty. In her lap she held a piss gray bag with a great urban camouflage pattern of pink, white, and black handguns.

Those two little girls just kept slapping each other, completely unattended until some eighteen year old, fuzz mustached, hoop dreamer came out and started telling them that they were dumb and pushing them around himself. It was a great little family unit. I hope they were his kids. I hope the mother was the girl working at reception with the ,,gold,, necklace that said ,,Chola,, or something and had a butterfly on it. The butterfly represents her free spirit. She also loves to laugh and hang out with her friends.

The staff were great and surely well-trained for working in medicine. They would call somebody,s name and walk away for minutes at a time before stumbling back and asking the tired person at the window, ,,What?,, My favorite little piece I heard out of them was when my friend had to pay. They needed exact change ,,cuz we havn,t had no money come in yet,,. It,s nice to see those community college degrees paying off. I immediately washed my hands and killed myself when I got home.

New Couch

I,ve got some good news and I,ve got some bad news. The good news is that I got to check off a major accomplishment on my lifetime to-do list because a middle aged black woman roughly scrubbed my balls with some soap or something. That counts as getting to second base so I have basically had sex with a hot black girl. She wasn,t hot but she was black and nice.

The bad news is that the doctor refused to give me a vasectomy because I got mouthy with him and he didn,t like that. Also, I think my age and lack of a family may have had something to do with it. When he saw me lying there with my two disgusting milk eggs hanging out he immediately asked me how old I was and if I had kids. Then he asked me why I wanted this done and I told him that I never, ever want to have kids ever no matter what. Then he started asking me to explain that to him and I said no and he got mad and then told on me to his boss and threatened me with not doing the surgery. I just told him that if he didn,t do it I,d find a cooler doctor to do it and that made him made to. Then he said he wasn,t going to do it so I went into the bathroom and scrubbed the weird brown sauce off of my ass and legs and got out of there.

Ballard - Songs To Remind You That I Will Always Love You, Forever
Whatevs though, I already found some other doctor who is probably way cooler that agreed to do it and doesn,t care about my age or the fact that I,m a bad ass. I bet this new doctor drinks while he surgeries and only schedules appointments for 4:20. The only downside is that I can still make some very real, expensive mistakes until the middle of September so I,ve got to keep my peenie in check. Another bummer is that I shaved for nothing. That,s the worst part of all of this.

A Fun Trip

I have a neat little headache right now because something smells overwhelmingly of a wrinkly woman,s perfume. I can,t locate the source of the aroma but it,s so strong that I think it,s coming from me. I,ve spent much of the last hour sniffing things around me to try and find the epicenter to no avail. Luckily, I have been getting paid to do it. It is not a great job but it is necessary.

To accompany this noxious odor, the room I am sitting in is filled with shrill, screeching, middle-aged Australian women. One of them sounds like a normal Australian woman but louder and much more needy. The other sounds like a cartoon version of a human-sized stick bug that wears what she would call a ,,Safari hat,, and loves picking berries. She is always worried that somebody forgot that they left the kettle on and is always late to get someplace. She,s very proud of her figure for how old she is and how many eggs she has laid. Her veins are prominent and even they produce a horrible pitch. I hate her and she makes me sick.

The Blind Slye Twins - It,s Me Again Lord
Somehow the stick bug,s husband is almost inaudibly quiet when he mumbles and has an accent that no other person has ever had. It,s like he took every word that does not translate from English into another language and built his vocabulary out of that so it is impossible for him to be understood by me. He walks behind the stick bug and carries her bags of food as she screams about the kettle. He,s a ,,builder,, back home and is awful.

If the stick bug is the one that stinks I will ask her to leave. I don,t want to get too near her because she is so piercingly loud and cackling but it would be nice to identify the sulfur spring that is leaking these poisonous gasses into the world. I am starting to feel sick to my stomach. If I throw up I,m doing it right here - in plain view of them. And I will face them. And I will keep my eyes open. And I will look at them.

Better Than I Thought

I,m getting my pee-pee cut off in about a week. That,ll be cool. I don,t use it much anyway. I,ve already written about this stuff but it,s getting closer to the end of the period in my life when I,ll be able to accidentally have a horrible mistake of a kid and I,m getting excited. I have saved up a special little bit of money for the procedure and I have secured myself a ride.

All I have left to do is buy something to wear that will keep my horrible balls pressed against me after the surgery. I,m not sure where to buy one. You can,t use a normal cup for it I guess because it,s supposed to really keep them smashed against you. The only time I ever wore a cup was when I played baseball as a kid because they said you had to. I remember it being incredibly uncomfortable and that, coupled with the fact that I am the least athletic person I have ever met, made me stop playing baseball and participating in anything that involved activity or movement for the rest of my life. I should probably be fat.

Henry Thomas - Complete Recorded Works
I,m still not scared of getting a needle inserted into my scrotum. I don,t like my scrotum anyway so it,s about time I paid somebody to punish it. The only thing I am sort of worried about is that it will take longer than I want to heal. It,s only supposed to take about 5 days to completely heal but I,m worried that I,ll have a really forceful sneeze and my body will tear apart. I have some fun plans lined up about two weeks after I get circumcised and I don,t want my bleeding balls to interfere with them. I guess I,m also scared about having to shave the day before. I,ve never done that before and there is a great likelihood that I will either cut myself or be so unwilling to spend the proper amount of time and effort that I will show up without having shaved and they,ll kick me out and have me arrested.

I,m hoping that they,ll give me some weird drugs to take home with me. I would really like to sell drugs for once in my life. I wonder how weak of a drug somebody would be willing to buy. Would somebody buy street ibuprofen? If they give me that I,ll still try and sell it. I,ll sell it to my roommate if he ever has a headache. I don,t plan on taking any pain medicine after I leave the hospital. I want to know what it,s like to get a vasectomy and really feel it, you know? I,m done babying my balls. I,ve been doing that for over twenty years and enough is enough. They have done nothing to show me that they appreciate the endless effort I put into their well being. I hate my balls.

Expensive Evening

I was sort of relying on there being free food at work today. People come here and leave their food that is bad or about to go bad and I usually eat it if I can. Today there is only a thing of cottage cheese, a bottle of Ragu and a half of a bottle of some kind of tea. I believe the Native Americans made a paste by mixing these three ingredients and then fried it into a sort of ceremonial cake on a hot rock using deer fat as a cooking agent. I would be interested in trying this but we all know that Ragu is the very worst of all pasta-style sauces. It,s the Domino,s Pizza of tomato sauce.

Interestingly enough, Domino,s does not use Ragu as their sauce of choice. They actually crush fresh, vine ripened tomatoes using employees, small and large intestines. They then proudly dump their holdings onto a freshly baked, seasoned crust. I just looked up Domino,s tomato sauce to try and quote something but it was really hard to find a company write up about their sauce or their pizza in general. I did find that the tomato sauce has chicken bones in it though. That,s pretty cool. A whole chicken skeleton is ground into every pizza.

Scrateboard - Holiday Spirituals
I am going to have to eat ramen or penne pasta with olive oil like I do almost everyday that I work. I guess it,s my fault for being a moron and never bringing anything different to eat, but I like to blame others for not knowing that I,m an idiot and leaving me food scraps. Luckily, there has been free breakfast food at work everyday for the past month due to the fact that my work started serving breakfast. We set out a plate of bruised, wooden apples and and some stale English muffins with warm tubes of cream cheese and strawberry jam that I scoop back into the jar if people don,t finish it. I cook up two English muffins each morning and rub some butter on there. It,s whatever.

The best part about breakfast is scooping the crumb-filled jam back into the jar. I hate jam and I really don,t like getting my hands sticky but I always make sure to ,,accidentally,, stick my thumb into the spoonful that I,m putting back in the jar if people are watching me. It lets them know that they are valued customers and that their satisfaction is my biggest priority.