Yellow Teeth

Last night my Death Cab For Cutie cover band played a show at the horrible place where we always play. If we were better maybe people would ask us if we wanted to play anywhere else. Or if we weren't so lazy maybe we could take some initiative and get our own shows. Nope! We are both lazy and of poor quality.

I have had a neat little habit of not sleeping enough the past few nights; getting between two and a half and four and a half hours of sleep. I feel pretty terrible. I felt worse last night. I was out of my mind tired and I kept coughing up gummy bear sized pieces of what felt like gelatinous lung in my mouth. It was gross. On top of that, I ate five or six pieces of sub-par pizza a little before we played. I figured I was going to puke on all of my stuff while we played. That would be neat. Pure spectacle. But, no such luck.

Nôze - Live at Suxul Club
I don't throw up very often. It's a rare day when stuff comes out of the wrong hole. When I do end up partaking in a little reverse-diarrhea, it is always extremely violent and long lasting. I hate it. And, my knees always hurt after. I think that,s because my knee bone is connected to my stomach bone and my stomach bone is connected to my puke bone. You,re supposed to read that like the song. The bone song.

It,s the best when girls puke. When I do it, my eyes always water so it looks like I,m crying. Yeah right, I just say that so people don,t know that I,m actually crying. But when girls do it, their makeup runs all over the place and if they have long hair there is usually some fun remnants left dripping from their soiled locks. I guess that,s why it is prudent not to wear that much makeup if you are bulimic. I always assume that any girl not wearing makeup is bulimic.

Quit Copying Me

Famed director, Peter Danish, has recently completed his compelling and bleak documentary chronicling my life. It has been an extremely daunting and emotional task. The crew, as well as myself, are all extremely exhausted. The final product is so much greater than anybody ever imagined. I am not much of an empathetic figure but somehow Peter has painted a portrait that is surprisingly touching as well as intriguing. I am so grateful to have been a part of this.

Below is the finished film. It is short and concise but it,s brevity is made up for by the thought provoking questions it raises about who we are as a people, where we are going, and what it means to be. I cannot stress enough how greatly this whole experience has effected me. I hope you all can take away something from this film. I know a lot was put into it. Please enjoy.

The Beach Boys - Pet Sounds

The First Day Of Summear

I saw part of some thing on the news the other night about how this is going to be the Summer Of Spiders. I say ,,part of,, because for most of the story, the television was muted and I was watching some rap video or something on my dumb computer. Everybody at my house has a white computer. I think the spider thing was supposed to be funny because the camera operator kept holding a big rubber spider in the bottom of the frame way too close to the camera so it was very out of focus and just looked like a handful of old spaghetti. The Italian spider and the fact that I wasn,t really sure what the story was about left me very bewildered.

I guess the news joker was right, though. I have already walked into a bunch of spiderwebs today. Most of them hitting me squarely in the the mouth, eyes, or throat. Each time I fall into another spider,s trap, I flail and wiggle around violently, sure that there is at least one family of spiders now setting up shop in my hair. I wonder if the spiders put the webs in front of my door or sidewalk on purpose because they know that they are tougher than me and could easily either kill me and devour my fragile body in a matter of hours or colonize the land that is my pallid skin and use me as a brainless host; dictating my movements and commanding me to rape again and again.

Coldplay - Trouble Norwegian Live EP
That would be the perfect crime. Being infected by a spider-virus and being controlled to do something ,,against,, my will. I would be called the Black Window Raper because I would only seek out elderly, windowed African women. When my spider business was finished, I would slash a hearty hourglass of flesh from their swollen bellies. This is what the real Spiderman was based on. I think this really happened in Moscow in the twenties.

The last time I used the word Summear I provided all of you with soft-core pornography of a girl I went to school with. Scour as I might, I came up short this solstice. Hopefully you,ll forgive me and go act out your own spider fantasy. Make them pay for what they have done.

Frolicksome

I work the morning shift every Saturday and Sunday. I have to be at work by 7AM to make sure all of the derelicts and addicts clear out for the new batch. I also have to make sure that all of the guests here know that we do not provide breakfast or coffee and that they should go anywhere else if they want those things. The rest of the time I sit here and write these sordid ramblings.

Today I woke up to my boss calling me. It was the old it,s-eight-in-the-morning-you-were-supposed-to-be-at-work-a-long-time-ago gag. I love those. I don,t really. I got really confused and I ran to work in a gross shirt and didn,t brush my teeth. Now my breath smells/tastes like flies and it still feels like the Sandman left his sperm in my eyes. When I got to work I was still so out of it I started doing all of the closing stuff. I put up the CLOSED sign and turned off lights. My boss just looked at me like the goon that I am and told me to calm down before I do anything else. So I brushed my teeth without toothpaste which did nothing.

The Goslings - Between The Dead
When I was in Community College I did this same thing twice. Both times it was the first day of the semester. I think the first time I did it may have actually been my first day of school. It was horrible. I was so sweaty and lost and didn,t know what to do. I was completely unfamiliar with the lack of care or effort involved in those schools so I figured that if I was late the first day I would get dropped from all of my classes or expelled or they would call my dad and tell him I was playing hookie. The latter being the worst of the three options.

There was never any place to park for the first three weeks of school before everybody would drop their classes so I had to drive around forever before I parked two miles and got to class for the last six minutes. It was great. I would just apologize really loudly with my cracking voice and sit down in the only seat available which was always the one furthest from the door in the front row. Everybody hated me for ruining PE that semester.

This is my new favorite website.

Gekko Poisoning

Today at work, my boss asked me to make a sign to advertise the coffee that we just started selling. He told me to make sure it ,,popped,, and caught people,s attention. My wormy friend Andy helped me outline some great ads that will surely catch the public,s attention as well as entice them to purchase a tiny plastic bag with a little bit of trash-flavored, year old coffee grounds in it for way more money than it,s worth. That picture up there is just one of the many ideas we dumped out of our bag. We went halvsies on a bag of ideas. Everything Andy came up with was much better than any of my abortions. I think he majored in Advertising or Digital Communication or something.

I hate it when people in school refer to Communications classes as Comms classes. ,,Nah man, I can,t make it to the keg fashion show tonight, I,ve got to study for my Comms midterm final scantron tomorrow. Smoke ya later!,, I have probably heard that conversation word for word before.

Air Conditioning - Catneck
You can see the rest of our coffee ads here. Make sure and vote for your favorite one. And don,t try to steal them though. We have already trademarked them. We put them in an envelope and mailed them to ourselves. When I was younger, kids always told me that was the way you did that stuff. I never bothered to see if that was true. Little kids are pretty smart though. Yeah right, kids are horrible.

Your Internet Personality Is Stunning

I think if I had been alive a few hundred years ago I would have died at a super young age. Now don,t get me wrong, I still plan on dying at a young age so I can leave a strange and magnificent legacy behind me, but I would have died way sooner back then. My allergies would have killed me. I keep finding out that more and more normal things make me ill or feel like I want to kill myself. And then, since I,m such a wa-wa baby, I don,t do anything about it. I don,t blow my nose or kill myself so I guess I should stop complaining. But I won,t.

I,m allergic to stuff like wind, trees, pillows, cold weather and nutrition. If there is any wind at all I can,t see anything and my giant Matterhorn nose either stops working or Summer hits the mountain a little early and all the snow-melt decides to runoff in sickening torrents. When coupled with trees, wind can do severe damage to my frail, semi-translucent body. Besides twigs snapping off and crushing me like the worm that I am, tree dirt and leaf stems hit my eyes and I am blinded for agonizingly long stretches of time.

Pigeon Religion - Dead Boss
To escape the pain and new found disability, I sometimes try to hide in my damp cave of a room and sleep the worries away. There are no allergies in my dreams. Unless I,m having a nightmare. Then it,s only allergies. But I find no sanctuary under my covers. Just debilitating illness. Pillows and blankets make my tissue-paper lungs even more useless. The same goes for cold weather. It,s the best when I,m really cold and can,t breathe and then can,t sleep with any blankets because I might die. The perfect combination.

The most obnoxious and annoying of the bunch are the things I am slowly finding out as I get older. Maybe I,m just growing into my full-blown allergic state. Once there, I will not be able to touch or see or smell anything. I,ll be allergic to color at that point. Good thing all of my friends are white, right? Whoops!

I,m finding out that I,m allergic to food now. I,d like to think that I,m allergic to milk but I just think it tastes bad. Mayonnaise too. But I am allergic to mushrooms. If I eat too many, it feels like a fat guy is punting a football into my stomach. I also can,t eat too many avocados. I just ate a sandwich with some on it and now my mouth feels like it,s full of bumblebees.

Hours And Hours

Remember that fake band that I,m ,,in,,? Yeah, me neither. We have this show next week and it is going to be dumb. It,s with a bunch of chuggers. One of the bands is called The Chuggers. They just mosh and chug and wear backwards hats and have dark green Ibanez guitars with wireless setups. Dumb as can be. I think the plan is that we are just going to bum everybody out and blast twenty minutes of terrible noise. I,m not sure what would bum people out more actually, if we play noise or our actual awful songs. Probably equal bum-factor. And that night I think we will be called Bum-Factor. And we,ll just play Fear Factory songs or the theme song to Fear Factor. I never saw that show. I don,t know if it had a song. Joe Rogan sucks though.

I just wasted a ton of money on an annoyingly cumbersome and heavy box to play music out of. I didn,t really rationalize it before I bought it, but why would I ever need something like that when nobody will hear anything that gets played out of it anyway?

Ashlee Simpson - Autobiography
This whole article is starting to sound like a poosy, woe is me, Pobre Ana tale. I don,t mean it that way. I mean it in the way where I don,t know what to write and I,m bored at work. I wish I had cool stories to tell like the interesting guy that writes on here. Did you read his past few? Top notch. They keep making mine look like the halfhearted fabrications that they are. I guess it,s my fault for not doing anything ever. I just look for blawgs about me on the internet. I,m the most vain person I know.

Speaking of tattoos, some psychobilly girl I used to know keeps covering her lonely body with some of the most horrible abominations I have ever seen. She is a moron. Her newest one is just a mirror that says vanity under it. The mirror doesn,t even reflect anything. And there is no reason for her to get that because everybody can already tell how vain she is by measuring the amount of leopard-print bra sticking out from under her ex-boyfriend,s fitted Ed Hardy muscle shirt. She has a bunch of stupid diamonds tattooed all over her neck and that pregnant angel from the Nirvana record tattooed on her back. The crown jewel however, is the gaudy, cursive Latin phrase smothering her hips. It says, ,,Love Conquers All,,. Yeah right. I wonder how she,s going to feel when she looks at that as she is dying alone from alcohol poisoning. I,m sure it is translated completely incorrectly and it probably just says something that the tattoo guy read at a courthouse. That,s what I would do.

Hundreds Of Owls

I just bought some stupid thing on Eggslist today. That website is full of jerks. Everybody writes advertisements that are so bossy and rude. They always tell you not to low ball them or they spell things wrong and act like it,s the right way. Big jerks. They only good part of that website is the casual encounters section.

Once, I put an ad on there looking for a woman who would let me spit in her face, preferably in front of her children, for twenty dollars. Sweet deal, right? I thought so, but the only responses I got were from African princesses who,s emails were all very long-winded and misspelled about how their fathers had just been wrongly jailed and how they needed thousands of dollars to return him to the throne. Return Him To The Throne would be a good metal band name. I was so expecting throngs of Light Rail mommas to read my posting on their way to the food bank on their stolen 2002 blackberries and make a quick stop at my front door so I could cover their open sores with an American Loogie. They would then thank me for my kindness and walk away holding their stunned daughter,s hand.

Void - Condensed Flash
So the email correspondence I had a few hours ago with the goon I was buying my drugs from online was disheartening. Call me old fashioned, but I remember a time when people could construct coherent sentences and ideas. Apparently, those days are well and gone. Here is a little taste of what my new friend Mark Wroblewski and I wrote to each other.

First, like any destitute young gentleman, I asked if I could purchase his wares at a price well below what he was asking. He responded with -

ye. i need 60 for it. i live in midtown, u can come pick it up. txt me 412-370-7307

I then attempted to arrange a time for us to meet up for the drug deal. He responded with -

ok. it would be better if u could come like now...i mite be busy later, i can bring it to you if yr in midtown or downtown or werever.

I obliged and told him we could meet ,,like now,,. He responded with -

ye that works. i live rite by there. il c ya in an hour

It seems that the more he was forced to interact using the written word, the further he digressed into a state of txtual childhood. It just got crazier from there. When I actually met the guy he spoke the same way. He said ye instead of yes or yeah. I didn,t get it. He just kept telling me about his new guitar and how cool it was. I quickly backpedaled to the safety of anywhere that wasn,t near his weird, patchwork facial hair. I hate that guy. The drugs he sold me were all sticky.

R.I.P. Richard Dunn

We Are Having Pig Pot For Dinner

Last night I went to a pretty tough show. I saw the Baines play at a horrible, horrible place. It really is horrible. I did get a few surprises though. I had no idea that The Bainiacs were all 48 years old with big earrings that looked like they weighed a lot and pulled their lobes down. That singer was a horrific ghoul of a man. His nose looked like it was made out of white hamburger meat. He did have some good dance moves though. He spent most of his time on stage alternating between yelling and doing that move that kids do when they are imitating a ballerina. You know, arching one hand over their head and pointing their finger at their skull and with the other arm arched to their waist and spinning. What is that move called? Hold on. Apparently that move doesn,t exist because I just looked for over 40 seconds to try and find it but I couldn,t. The closest thing I could find is called a Chaînés Turn but the only similarity is that it involves spinning and ballerinas.

I planned on keeping a running tally of how many pairs of mesh jersey shorts I saw last night but nobody was wearing any. Ultimate Bummer. The only ones that I saw were being carried in by the Bane-ana Splits merch guy. They sell shorts. Just like they do at the Bane-ana Republic. I did see a lot of fitted hats and black shirts and tattoos though. And a lot of blood from when this tiny, little girl got smashed in the face by the football team that jumped on her when she was trying to passion her way to the front to sing her favorite meaningful lyric about sadness and love.

Growing - His Return
I don,t really understand tattoos. It seems like everybody had them on their legs last night. They were mostly birds or horses or knives or bible verses. Don,t get me wrong, tattoos of skulls and snakes and flames and more skulls and lizards are cool but some stuff that I see is way over my head. That deep quote from your favorite Chuck Palahniuk book (the only one you ever started to read and you even almost finished) tattooed in fancy cursive above your lopsided, stretch marked gig-bags is only going to attract people that like that sort of thing. Who would want that? Is that why people get tattoos you think? To attract people that like tattoos? That,s weird. I bet that,s the reason behind it most of the time. That topic will probably be covered in some teen drama pretty soon. Hopefully it,ll be Degrassi. Manny will probably fall back in love with Craig and the only way to win him back will be to get a tattoo on her crotch that says, ,,Burn Ward,, above a portrait of Duke Nukem. But then J.T. will visit her from beyond the grave in a dream and tell her that she doesn,t have to change herself to impress anybody, she is perfect just the way she is.

See, there is all that schooling I went through put to good use. I just wrote my first episode of a television show that used to be cool but now it sucks and nobody reads this.