A Drug

Last night I went to a weirdo noise show in a town next to the town that I grew up in. It was full of dads wearing sandals. That made me kind of uncomfortable because I don,t really like seeing dads, toenails unless they are my dad,s and even then I only tolerate it because he has given me so much money throughout my life. Apparently ,,tolerate,, only has one L. I had no idea.

My favorite guy there was a dad wearing cutoff cargo shorts. Maybe they weren,t actually cutoff. They could have been made to look like that. That sounds much more likely. He was shopping at Target with his fourteen year old son who he got to see for two weekends out of the month and he saw those and could not resist buying them. ,,My son,s friends will totally want to come over and hang out at my house when they see me wearing these,,, he thought. ,,I,ll be the coolest dad around. I bet I,ll look like I,m not even old enough to drink when I,m wearing these. I,ll get carded everywhere I go.,, Then he thought, ,,I wonder if I could show my mugshot and the police report from one of my DUIs as valid form of ID.,,

Kaki King - ...Until We Felt Red He was wearing sandals and he used those sandals to carefully rock back and forth on a plastic whammy pedal while he strummed the same chord for fifteen minutes over a short looping beat that was playing on his phone. Needless to say, it was exactly what you would expect from a dad who just started playing guitar eight months ago to impress his son who doesn,t care about him because he still remembers when he was a little kid and his dad was drunk and fighting with his mom while driving and they crashed and now he has that weird, red scar on his leg.

My friend played some music and I left right after because I was worried that my facial hair would start to get patchy and my clothing would turn orange or tie dye and I would start being really into organic coffee and music comprised entirely of hand drums. Only a few of those changes have occurred since last night so I,m glad I left when I did. I could be wearing a sarong right now if I had waited around.

Allergic To Bread

I have been spending so much money lately in very dumb ways. My roommate moved out a week ago so my living expenses doubled. Now I have to pay for a tiny living room/kitchen, hall, bathroom, my room, and an empty room. I should probably put something in that empty room so I feel like I,m getting my money,s worth. I was thinking that I would put an ironing board in there. Maybe I,ll put a dirty, stained mattress in there and take off the glass cover off of the overhead light so it,s just bare bulbs and if I ever trick a girl into coming over, I,ll keep the room to my door closed and bring her into the diarrhea mattress room and immediately shut the light off. I guess I have to board up the window in there too so it,s extra spooky and romantic. That,s going to cost even more money.

Dan The Automator - Wanna Buy A Moneky? Instead of doing what a human would do in this situation, I went out and spent the most money I have ever spent on groceries and I bought a stupid phone so my phone bill will be twice as expensive. That makes sense. Now that I,m not forcing somebody to share the financial burden of my disgusting apartment, I increase my spending by a lot. That,s what America is all about. Maybe I,m doing it so people will think I,m cooler. They,ll look at me and whisper, ,,Look at that guy. He spends so much money and doesn,t make that much. I,d like to be his friend because I think that,s cool and risky. He,s like a more skeletal John Wayne,,

Maybe I,m having a midlife crisis. Old guys usually spend a lot of money on something stupid when they realize that they,re old. If that,s happening, I,m not going to live to be that old. I guess fifty is kind of old. Not upgrading my living space but instead paying more for it is my version of buying a fancy red car and having sex with an ugly, emaciated blond girl. I think I,m fine with that. I,ll do that other stuff during my end life crisis which will happen during everybody else,s midlife crisis. I want to never write ,,Crisis,, again.

Wet Socks

There are so many blind people at my work right now. I,m at my work too, but I,m not blind. Usually when I,m at work writing about people I have to keep looking over my shoulder to make sure they,re not around. That,s a ridiculous precaution to take. There is no way anybody would look at what I am writing. I guess the bottom line is that I keep doing that even though I don,t have to. One of the blind guys looks like Kid Rock. I wonder if people have told him that before. I can hear people smashing cups in the kitchen.

I generally feel kind of bad when I look at girls because it,s not that cool to look at a girl and sometimes think, ,,I bet she looks cool with less clothes on,,, but I feel even worse doing that to blind girls. Two girls here are kind of cute and very blind and I feel like I,m taking advantage of them. I don,t know if that feeling is warranted. Maybe I should feel that way when I look at anybody. I,m sure it doesn,t feel good to have some weird ghoul look at you. It might actually be better that they don,t know that I,m doing it. This is the craziest rambling I,ve ever done. I am just continually changing my mind about a subject that doesn,t matter and is uninteresting to everybody including myself.

Colin F - Raw Dawgin Some of the blind people wanted to watch a movie. I didn,t know what that meant. Apparently it means that they wanted to watch The Social Network. That movie was made especially for blind people. It,s extremely bright and loud and a narrator describes every scene in exquisite detail. I thought that was very cool of Facebook. I think that movie is about Facebook. I haven,t seen it. I haven,t watched a movie in a while. Last night I slept through a really bad episode of a show about some nutcase who was sad because some relative of his killed some people four hundred years ago. That doesn,t count as a movie though. That,s what I learned in college. Episodes of television shows aren,t movies. 

Overwhelmingly Bad

Last night I went to a pretty weird show. It was weird because it was at a bar and I was the youngest person there and I had never heard any of the bands and I didn,t really want to be there and I found out that all grown ups smoke cigarettes and all grown up ladies have really bad tattoos. I also found out that grown ups are not any different than kids. Both groups are very stupid and loud and have dumb voices that hurt my left ear because you,re standing right next to me. I don,t care that you spent a lot of money dying your hair an unearthly red/orange color and buying an ugly, blue pinup dress. You look like your personality. You,re a bummer. Quit yelling. I don,t think the weirdo guy you,re talking to is that interested in what you think about dogs.

I spent most of the evening near my friend who I went with. I listened to him talk to people I didn,t know. He was telling them stories I had already heard, but he,s a good storyteller so it wasn,t bad. Plus, it,s always nice to hear about an old man pooping in some lady,s truck. I could listen to stories like that all night long. So that,s what I did.

Pregnant Women - Dead Meat At one point, a woman with piss colored napkins for hair and grossly misshapen features started talking to me out of pity. She asked me how old I was, what my favorite color was, how drunk I was, what I did, and if I came there often. She bad to look at and listen to. She was right on par with one hundred percent of the other people there. She got mad that I didn,t have a favorite color and I got mad that she was talking so close to me. She had lipstick on her teeth. She also had lipstick on her lips. I,m not sure which was worse. Eventually I went back to my straight ahead staring routine and she went inside to probably continue being a miserable bag of mop water. 

When I finally went inside I got to see two weird looking adults lying on top of each other. I guess they were fighting, but they were moving so slowly that it confused me. One of them was caressing the other and they both looked like they were smiling. Everybody got mad and made them leave. I think they were just trying to take a nap. Later, a big fat guy ran into a girl and a glass broke.