Silence

Today is the last day of this year. That doesn,t mean much, but it does mean a few things. It means that I will be writing the date incorrectly for the next two months and it means that mandarin season is almost over. I guess I hate the start of each new year for the second reason. I wish mandarin season was longer. Two months is a pretty dumb amount of time for the world,s most perfect food to be ripe for the plucking. Six months is much more reasonable.

Now don,t get me wrong, I enjoy a good can of mandarins as much as the next guy, but they don,t compare. They are a completely different thing. They are also absurdly expensive. You don,t get to peel them and I usually only treat myself to one of those tiny cans with the racist portrayal of a Japanese woman on the label about three times a year. They are a dessert item, not a substitute-for-every-meal-and-beverage item like actual mandarins are.

Pete Drake - The Amazing And Incredible Pete Drake Maybe it,s a good thing that they are not readily available all year long. I would probably get pretty sick. My fingernails would fall out. My teeth would turn even yellower than they already are. I would go blind in one eye. My tongue would be covered in citric acid burns. My urine would become worryingly buoyant. My blood would move too quickly. My bones would develop strange curves. My kidneys would burst. Things would get ugly.

My New Year,s resolution is to never write anything again for the rest of my life because this is stupid and I can,t believe I have continued to write for so long. I am an idiot and you are too if you,re reading this. I apologize for making you dumber. Now I am sad.

I have been feeling like I haven,t been wiping very well after I poop lately. I,m usually mistaken. I,m a pretty good wiper, but I have been overly worried about it recently. None of this is related to what I was saying a minute ago, but I felt that it was important.

The First Day Of Wintear

My Death Cab For Cutie cover band played another weird show the other night. We got paid. That was the weirdest part. I,m still sort of half-expecting the manager of the place to call me and tell me to give his money back. Lord knows that we didn,t earn it. I don,t know if I have ever really earned money. I,m white, so probably not.

The first band that played were a bunch of older funny guys and girls with hats and sunglasses inside at night. They sounded like a group of fourteen year olds who had asked for an instrument for Christmas and got a used on and immediately started playing shows with the other five fourteen year olds because they also had instruments. They never wrote songs or practiced, they just showed up and ,,jammed,, their hearts out. ,,That,s what music is about,,, they,d say as they played four different, nonexistent songs at the same time.

Toro Y Moi - Anything In Return They looked like the mothers and fathers of those fourteen year olds. They were so proud of their children,s aspirations. They lived vicariously through them. They tried to make up for their own personal failures with the failures of their children. They ended up losing even more. The parents turned to alcohol and ignoring their spouses, but it was the fourteen year olds who really suffered. They had to grow into their parents, shoes. I guess that,s what the band was. I didn,t like them very much.

Good Cut

Every year I rediscover how bad I am at wrapping things in colored paper. I guess I am really bad. I don,t understand how people can wrap a cube and have it still look like a cube. All of my cubes look like partially deflated sports balls. I should have bought a bunch of partially deflated sports balls for people.

My Death Cab For Cutie cover band played a show in a freezing cold bicycle garage the other night. The floor was so wet. Most of the people there were wearing all black. I don,t think I looked serious enough to be allowed to be there. I almost backed my car into a bike that was chained to a pole. I saw Justin Bieber stockings at a gas station that were on sale for thirteen dollars.

Jay Reatard - Blood Visions I think I wiggled a bit too much that night. My entire body doesn,t work anymore. I don,t know what,s happening. My thighs hurt somehow. I don,t know if that is related to wiggling, though. I think that might be from crossing my legs super hard when I,m at work. I,m crossing them right now. I uncrossed them. I bet this is what riding a horse feels like.

I wonder if anybody has ever gone to the hospital because they wiggled too much or too vigorously. Maybe I,ll be the first. I,m not really going to go to the hospital. I made soup. That,s nature,s hospital. I think cans of soup should say that on the label. It would probably help the diminishing soup industry. Soup used to be the only food.

And Other Stuff

It,s time to buy presents for people. It was time to buy presents for people a little while ago, but I generally wait until after it makes sense to buy stuff and then I do it. It,s time to buy those presents now that they are probably more expensive than they were a few weeks ago.

I like giving people gifts for Christmas, but I don,t like the work that comes with it. I don,t want to have to think about something good to get you. I want you to tell me what it is and then for me to say, ,,No, that,s too expensive. Try again.,, Then you will say, ,,Fine, get me this book instead.,, That,s all I want and most people won,t do that. They should. They end up getting stupid gifts from me if they don,t tell me. I will buy them things that I want or like irregardless of their personal tastes just to spite them for being unhelpful. That,s what the holidays are all about.

Sean McCann - Sean McCann The only good part about buying things for people for Christmas is that I get to leave feedback for the people that sold me the things on Ebay. That has been one of my favorite activities for a long time because as long as you click the button that says ,,Positive,, you can write whatever comments you want and nobody cares. This is where I write my poetry.

Here are some examples.

If Donald Duck was real, I would drown him and go to prison. I don,t care.
He had a small dog with him in the lonely shop.
The baby is born.
fero nthekke tni htjesssorr rlerotnnfew theidjtjd tjj itdelllrs vmoothatjls it
I,m feelin, weird.

Buddhism

What if you couldn,t remember the last thing that you ate that wasn,t macaroni and cheese? It wouldn,t be because that,s all you ate, it would be because you had a weird problem where you could only remember that food. That would be a strange brain disease. I hope I don,t get that or have that now. I am going to have macaroni and cheese for dinner.

I am a firm believer that the macaroni and cheese that is cartoon shapes rather than standard macaroni noodles taste better. I have thought this for years and have not understood why. I now think I have a theory which might explain this.

I have noticed that when you get a box with shapes, it weighs less than a standard box. This is probably because the people at the macaroni and cheese factory are idiots. Both boxes should weigh the same. There is no reason to put in fewer noodles just because they are shaped like dog heads.

Miles Davis - Miles In The Sky The spice packet (AKA the cheese) is the same in each. This makes me think that the higher yellow/orange powder to noodle weight ratio is the cause for the better flavor. It kind of makes sense except for the fact that I once tried the kind where it has extra flavor or something and it was gross. Also, the kind in the cup that you microwave is gross. I,m a horrible human being, but even I won,t buy that stuff.

The end result is that I don,t know or care why it tastes better. I am just mad that it usually costs more than the regular noodles even though there is less of it. I am also really mad about the fact that I am a grown man who regularly eats things out of a box that take no skill or craft to create. I know how to cook some things, but I choose not to. I choose to wallow in orange slop.

Weeping Openly

I went to a roller derby match the other day. Is it a match? I went to a roller derby game. I went to a roller derby tournament. I went to a roller derby disaster. I went to a roller rink and watch people who were equal parts juggalo and rockabilly ride around in circles and get yelled at from a crowd of people who adored Coors Light and having very long goatees.

I didn,t see any, but I can guarantee that a huge amount of green animal print clothing had been purchased by the players as well as the spectators. They all loved neon colored stand up basses and not having to think when talking to their significant other. Also included on their list of preferred activities are mudding, collecting DUIs, ignoring the needs of their children, making fun of their children, construction, and making fun of kids who wear tight pants.

Sean McCann - Midnight Orchard The referees were my favorite people there. My favorite of the favorite was a guy whose referee name was Zombiegoat. He had zebra print roller skates and skull socks and absolutely no ambition in life. He made me extremely happy and extremely sad at the same time so I felt nothing when I looked at him. It was bizarre. I have never experienced anything like that.

I felt very sticky by the time I left even though I tried my hardest not to touch anything. I guess that,s the prize you get for going to one of those things - a feeling of stickiness. I bet it would have been less expensive if I had had a tattoo. That seems like the place that gives tattoo discounts. You get fifty percent off for a normal tattoo and seventy five percent off if you can prove that one of your tattoos used to be a swastika.

Very Good Cook

I just cut my fingernails because the most important day of the year is coming up and I want to be ready for it. This Friday I am going to go to the mandarin festival which is the best thing. I get to go and walk around in the cold and eat free mandarins. I get to eat the best food in the world for free and I probably get other good foods for free as well.

I,ll spend the morning surrounded by bewildered old people who will wander the frosted grounds looking at unbelievably expensive olive oils and stupid ceramic plates designed to grate ginger and wasabi. They will buy these plates and oils for their ugly children and grandchildren who will never use or appreciate them and then they will return to the old person caves.

Marc Johnson/Eliane Elias - Swept Away They are a sad yet honorable bunch, but they are not important. The free fruit is important. I will bring a few changes of clothes so it will be more difficult for the vendors to recognize me when I return again and again to their booths to ,,sample,, their delectable, little, orange spheres. They,ll never know what hit them.

Sometimes there are hot tubs there because apparently people who sell hot tubs think that a festival based around citrus fruit is a good place to try and trick people into buying expensive, outdoor bathtubs. If I don,t like a particular grower,s mandarin, I will throw it in the boiling tubs of gross water and let it cook. It will make me feel like a warlord because I have no concept of what warlords did.

Fix Your Throat

It,s time to elect a president. I did my part by not registering to vote ever. I figure it is the same as me getting a vasectomy - I am doing the entire world a huge favor by not being able to spread anything about me. I do hope a lot of people vote for me though. I bet if at least one hundred people vote for me, I,ll get a ribbon or prize or something. I would be fine with that. I would hang it next to my homecoming award. I won homecoming king when I was in high school and didn,t go to the game or dance or assembly. That,s how I celebrated my rule as king.

I,m not registered to vote, but I just had to register on a bizarre blogging website for people whole like to travel. My boss said that everybody had to do it. He said to ,,have fun,, with it so I put the ugliest picture of myself on there and filled out all of my information with insane stuff.

You have to have motto on there so I put the lyrics to TLC,s hit song ,,Waterfalls.,, You also have to provide very uninteresting information about yourself like your favorite airport (Pittsburgh Steelers) and the last place you traveled (THE LAKE). I also had to fill out an About Me section so I wrote this.

The Rentals - Return Of The Rentals ,,oh boy i never kno what to say with these stuff. ahhah. its crazy. i dunno i just like travel. i love to visit the exquisite place and see new people of all types and kinds. ahhahaa. i just dunno. its so fun. i cant ge tenoguh of it most times i just wanna be out their and experience the world for the with new eyes. im just youre normal guy for most part. i love to eat and swim and dancing. im in my twenies but i wont say how old cuz im geting older hahaah. im a big goof at heart and i love swiming. i love a good joke and me favorite m ovie is south park moive.

if it was up to me i would see it all the whole world and everthing inbetween it all. i love me firneds like family and music is my life. i wish txting was free oh well i guess it is because i dont pay for it hhhaa. i like to lonboard when i get chances if i can and i love to swime. the ocean is so majestic if yo think about it. im just average. i dont really like school that much but whateve. it s all good. just have fun an dbe yourslef while you can. :),,

Living By Yourself

I went to Los Angeles the other day. That was a long drive. I drove a thousand miles. I don,t live a thousand miled away from Los Angeles, though. I mean that I drove that much all together. When I got there I stayed in a rich person,s house for free. That was pretty nice. The pillows were really squishy and the blankets weighed a lot. I guess that,s what rich people like - soft, heavy stuff.

There were a lot of political signs and stickers in the neighborhood. There were also a lot of people who liked to ride surfboards while holding kites. There were also a lot of oceans. There was only one ocean, but that,s a lot more than I usually see. It was a pretty big ocean.

I could see a bunch of ships in it. They were all cruise ships, but some of them were the kind of cruise ships that are covered in shipping containers. Those are the working cruise ships. You have to not understand English very well to go on those. You also have to wear dirty clothes and have hairy muscles. They are very exclusive.

Porteur - LKBK I ate a lot of expensive food there. Some of it was very good and some of it was bad and all of it was expensive. I noticed a strangely high proportion of couples consisting of ,,pretty,, girls and weirdo, ugly, fat guys. I guess that,s what,s in now. Weirdo ugly guys are having a ball down south. They,re going crazy and hanging out with gap-toothed Urban Outfitters models who are only familiar with books that they were assigned in school.

There was a bunch of bad wind on the other side of the country yesterday. I mailed a postcard to a friend of mine who lives over there a few days ago and if the wind messed up its delivery, this will be the first natural disaster that has directly affected me. I hope the postcard is safe. I hope it,s dry and comfortable and pressed between two sexy letters right now.

Vegetable Medley

I live in California and right now everybody here is pretending that they like baseball. This means that anywhere there is a television, people are screaming and yelling and clapping and wearing hats at nights. It,s all very bizarre and make believe to me. Last night some of my neighbors were yelling mean, taunting things at the television. I bet they know that the people they see on the screen can,t hear them very well. I wonder why they still yell. Maybe they ignore their conscience when they do it. They sort of seem like the kind of people to do that based on their extremely long t-shirts and denim shorts that look like weird tubes. They dress like sixth graders in the nineties who all have older brothers who smoke cigarette butts that they find on the ground. 

The other night my Death Cab For Cutie cover band played a show in a big room to one person and that one person was friends with us so we played to zero strangers. I guess that,s not totally true. There was also a guy in the room who was packing stuff up and trying to leave. He must have heard some of the noises we were making. I don,t think he wanted to though, so I won,t count him.

Charlie Byrd - Mr. Guitar I drove over an hour to get to that stupid show. It was at a bar in a small town on a Sunday night - the perfect storm. I was talking to a friend of mine outside and a kid  interrupted us to say that his name was Rage. I was embarrassed when he introduced himself. I hope he was too. He said that he used to have a mohawk for a while because he was a punker, but then he cut it out because "I don,t need a label, I,m just me." You,re just you - a kid wearing pajama pants and a stained jacket who calls himself Rage.

Rage didn,t even watch us play. I think I heard him say that he was underage. Whoops. I hope Rage is going to have a happy and safe holiday season. I bet he is going to dress up as a drunk, slightly racist teenager for Halloween. I bet his mom has the jawline and bone structure of an alcoholic. I bet his siblings look like they have only eaten candy their entire lives. 

Straight Edge

I egged houses a couple of times on Halloween when I was a younger. That was fun, but I think it was a little lazy. It doesn,t take that much effort to drive around with your friends and roll down a window and toss a white chicken ball at a place where somebody lives. Everybody does that. There is no mystery or whimsy involved. It,s a proud tradition, but it,s not pushing any boundaries.

If I were younger, or more accurately, if I lived in a neighborhood where I could do stupid stuff without getting beaten up or chased, I would still egg stuff on Halloween, but I would vary it. I like that during one night each year ,,Egg,, is a verb. Language should be time sensitive like that more often. Things should only have certain definitions at specific times. School would be really hard.

Nico Muhly - Drones & Viola
Nico Muhly - Drones & Violin
Nico Muhly - Drones & Piano I would egg people. I wouldn,t throw eggs at people because that still sounds pretty normal. I would walk around with a small cooler full of eggs - some of them in the shell, some of them out of the shell, some of them scrambled, some of them poached, some of them fried, some of them prepared as an omelette. I would carry these eggs with me as I walked around the neighborhood and I would stop children and take their pillowcases or whatever they were using to hold their candy and I would carefully choose what kind of egg I was going to mash into their candy based on their costume. Then I would mash some eggs into their candy.

I think I might go to a rich neighborhood and try that this year. I am going to start cooking the eggs now so they will be ready and potent come Halloween. There should be more craft involved when picking on people. Today,s youth watches The Office and believes that it provides the height of pranking. That,s completely wrong. There is always a smile that accompanies those shenanigans. Pranks should be carried out with extreme malice and contempt. Eggs represent that.

A Bag Of Leaves

I have been writing stuff on this stupid thing for four years. That is very embarrassing. I am going to delete everything as soon as I finish writing this. I,m just kidding. I probably should though because I bet somebody is going to try and use this stuff against me in court someday. Maybe that will work in my advantage and the judge/doctor will think I am a maniac and they,ll let me hang out in a hospital rather than a mean jail.

I think most jails are probably mean except for ones in fancy countries where they let you walk around outside and go to a lake and plant vegetables. I,m pretty scared of getting in trouble and going to jail. It,s mostly because of my leaf-like bone structure. I guess all of the adults, plans worked. They made me afraid to do fun stuff because I could end up in jail. The system kind of works when it comes to weak, boring, well off kids.

Goldmund - Famous Places I think the worst thing about jail would be having to learn to draw pictures in the style that all prisoners do. I would have to draw long, low cars with Hispanic girls sitting on the trunk. I would have to draw those drama masks where one is smiling and one is crying and it says Baby Joker Is Dead in the middle. I would have to only draw clown faces.

Jail is kind of like an art school though. If you get accepted to jail, you learn the art of clown face drawing. I think it skips some stuff like perspective and shading and things like that, but you get to draw a lot of clown faces and pictures of Jesus. That,s not my favorite kind of art, but at least I would be learning a skill that I could put to good use if I ever got out. I guess jail isn,t so bad after all.

My Dad

I think the only purpose this thing serves is a record of when I am sick. I feel kind of sick right now. I,ll go through all of the stuff I have written at that beginning of next year and see how often I was ill and I,ll make a chart. That,ll be nice. Then I,ll post it somewhere; maybe at work. Then I,ll get a B+ on it. Then I,ll be satisfied.

I went camping the other day. It was nice and cold there. I locked my keys in my car and had to call somebody to break into it for me for the first time in my life. That was weird. It was especially weird because I was at a campground that was a small strip of land surrounded by ocean on both sides. I wish the guy would have come on a row boat. He came in a dumb tow truck. He was very uncreative. He was also very sweaty and fat.

Young Waves - We Grew Up EP When I was sleeping there, I heard skunks outside of the tent fighting over a bag of hamburger buns. That was nice. Also, a bird tried to open the tent at one point. I think the campground owners have trained them to do that and steal people,s wallets. It walked up to the tent and bit the zipper and tried to unzip it for a second. It was lazy though so it didn,t put too much effort into it. I wanted to catch a bird and eat it. What happens if you boil a whole bird?

Birthday

I,ve been spending a little bit of time around an old woman with one eye from Texas recently. She,s great. Not only does she have a cool glass eye and a sassy southern accent, she is also full of weird sayings and phrases that I have either never heard or have only heard in old, racist cartoons. She also knows how to cook and she has a real life glass eye.

One of her eyes is made out of glass. It,s not normal glass. You can,t see through it. That might be cool though. It,s glass that is made to look like a human eye. Do you remember in that movie Last Action Hero when the bad guy had a glass eye and he was always changing it according to his mood? I liked that movie when I was a kid. I wonder if she,s seen that.

1958-2009 - II She said some pretty good phrases the last time I was around her. She was talking about hopefully being able to go on a trip next Spring and she said, ,,God willing and if the creek don,t rise.,, I loved it. If the creek rises and drowns everybody, she definitely will not be going on that trip. She,s a practical woman. Later she was having some coffee and was talking about how strong it was and said, ,,This will put hair on your chest... Or take it off.,, I had never heard the second half of that before. I am going to start drinking strong coffee so I can stop looking like an overcooked hot dog that was dropped on the floor of a barbershop.

The best part about hearing her say all of this wacky old stuff is that her voice is really quiet and sort of sounds like she just woke up all the time. I want to be like her when I grow up. I want to be a tiny old woman with one eye and a southern accent who says weird, archaic phrases and knows how to make biscuits and was alive during World War Two. I think that is a realistic goal for myself, but I know I,ve got a lot of work ahead of me.

Not Busy

I wonder if people make trips to New York City to celebrate September eleventh. They probably do. People probably spend a lot of money to fly there so they can go to the place where those buildings were and act bummed and then eat at Red Lobster and fly home and tell everybody about it. I wonder how many photo albums there are on the internet that are named things like ,,My trip to NYC to mourn 9/11,, or ,,I hate those Iraqis they suck :(,, or ,,My trip to honor the heroes.,, I bet almost half of every online photo album has one of those three names.

The way I am celebrating the lives of all of those people that got smashed to death by planes and buildings is by working today and wondering if I am getting paid time and a half. Does the mail get delivered today? How much of a holiday is this? I don,t think you,re supposed to ask that stuff because it might make it seem like a fake holiday if somebody admits out loud that the mail still gets delivered. Then the terrorists really will have won.

Milk Party - Dos Leches I can barely remember what happened on September eleventh. I was fourteen. I remember watching television in the library at school. It was my first year of high school and I thought it was awesome that classes basically stopped and nobody did any work that day. I thought high school was going to be awesome. I was right. Nobody did any work and everybody graduated.

When I was in middle school people figured out that making bomb threats would shut the school down and nobody would have to do any work so that happened a lot for a while. I think people were calling them in from the pay phone that was at the school. That,s pretty gutsy. I think I only knew one kid with a cellular phone.

Another time part of the school got burnt because a kid dropped his bong in a field. I don,t know if he got in trouble for that. I think he kept going to school with me. There are no repercussions for doing drugs and accidentally burning a big field. That,s what I learned in school. Also, peer pressure isn,t real and kids have sex when they,re really young and it,s gross.

Mythic Farts

The other day I woke up early on one of my days off so I could drive to a place full of old people and then drive to a small orchard and pick pears. It was strange. The first place I drove to was gigantic and full of old birthday cakes and pillows. Everybody there was one hundred years older than me. Nobody knew what was going on and I saw a forklift moving without a driver. All of the old people couldn,t hear and were mean to each other. I liked that. It,s nice to see small, wiggly old people saying mean things to other small, wiggly old people. It takes you back to a time when things were simpler and more vicious.

After sitting in an office for an hour the old people drove me and some other people to a small, rotting orchard. The owners of the orchard didn,t know that anybody was coming so they were terrified and unprepared. They said that there was no fruit to pick. I proved them wrong. I picked several fruits. Most of them were actual fruits but a few of them had turned into melted crayons and when I would go to grab them my thumb would sink inside of them and I would want to throw up. Others had turned into bees. Those were the dangerous ones.

XXYYXX - XXYYXX One of the old people kept saying that certain things gave him flashbacks of the war. I think he said this to keep us on our toes. He wanted everybody to think that he was about to freak out and start snapping necks. It worked. I think everybody picked fruit faster because of it. Maybe he was being serious. I don,t know how many pear orchards there were in the war. Maybe there were a lot. Maybe that,s what the war was about after all.

Telling The Truth

Do you remember five seconds ago when I wrote about there being a bunch of fruit flies in my disgusting apartment? I do because it just happened. It,s happening again too. I hate bugs. They land on my expensive bread. I think it keeps happening because now that I don,t have a roommate to make a bunch of trash with me, the garbage can fills up a lot slower so those jerks have time to fly in and then call their friends and have them fly in too. Then they have a weird trash party in my trash without even asking my permission and they fly into my eyes and mouth, again without my permission.

There were so many fruit flies in my kitchen this morning. Luckily, I have the internet and they don,t so I was able to look up stuff that makes them die. Apparently if you fill small cups with gross liquids, they will touch it and die because they can,t swim because they are black. That is a pretty racist thing to say. No, it isn,t because I,m talking about bugs instead of people. Still though, I think it sounds kind of racist. Whatever, dude, you,re a wimp.

Tera Melos - Where,s The Worm? I don,t know if bugs can hear anything. I made a loud noise near some of them and they didn,t move so I don,t think they can. They also might just be lazy or stupid. It is also possible that they are deaf and lazy and stupid. That would explain a lot about bugs. Only something lazy and stupid and deaf would eat poop on purpose. I guess that,s not true. I,ve seen videos of girls that I am almost positive could hear and they had quite a bit of poop in their mouths. At least they were creative with it though. They were wiggling it around and some of them puked at one point. I think they were Brazilian. That,s the main difference between people and bugs - people have nationalities.

Wash

I have been watching a lot of bizarre television lately. I just spelled both ,,Television,, and ,,Lately,, incorrectly. It,s probably from watching so much bizarre television lately. I have split my television watching between a weird, unfunny, strange Korean drama about a girl whose name might be Pasta who is verbally and emotionally assaulted while working in a kitchen and a show about black girls screaming. I,m not sure which one is less rewarding to watch, but I do know that I have spent way too much time watching them in the past week.

The Korean show is nuts and it keeps playing the same song over and over and the girl named Pasta always talks like a fat baby with a mouth full of stewed apples. I think I hate her. The show does make me want to eat pasta though, so that,s a plus, I guess. I don,t know any of the character,s names or the story line or anything and I have watched several episodes. All I know is that there is one fat Asian girl in it and she,s not even pretty so it,s a complete waste. Also, one guy talks with a lisp.

Son Of A Bricklayer - Moose Without Antlers The show about black girls screaming is also nuts. For the past few years I have thought that someday I would want to date or at least hang out with a gnarly club girl chicken head who got drunk and fought other girls and wore really bad outfits all the time. After watching this show, I don,t know if I would be physically capable of handling that. It,s not like any crazy chicken head would ever want to hang out with me, but if one accidentally did, I don,t know if I could stand up to the extreme volume. They scream so much and repeat short phrases over and over. It,s like somebody sneezing words repeatedly and it makes me feel sick. I also think that they would hit me and any girl could beat me up so that wouldn,t be a good deal.

I,m not saying that I have taken dating a chicken head off of my list of ways to punish myself before I die, I just think that if it happens, it will be the reason that I die. That would be a cool way to go out though. She would love me a lot and feel bad about yelling at me to death so she would make me a leopard print tombstone that would say something like, ,,yous a bitch but imma miss u.,, It would probably also have a picture of her looking sassy and holding a glass of alcohol and it would have her phone number somewhere on it.

Eating Out Of A Bowl

I think this is going to be one of those days where I don,t have anything to write but I still feel compelled to write something on here because I,m stupid. Last week was like that, but so much so that I didn,t even bother. It doesn,t matter. Everything I have ever written on here doesn,t matter. I don,t even look back through these things after I have written them to feel nostalgic or to remember what was going on in my life at a certain time. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn,t be able to because the stuff I write on here is either lies or so menial that I would never remember it happening.

I went to the mall the other day for the first time in a long time and had to stop myself from yelling stuff. That felt weird. I had overwhelming urges to be rude to strangers. I wanted to tell people that they were ugly and their hair looked dumb. I wanted an employee to ask me if I needed anything so I could ignore them or give them a mean look. I didn,t though. Most of the people looked stronger and richer than me.

Hot Chip - Coming On Strong I spent a lot of money. I spent a lot of money for me. Normal people probably spend way more when they buy things. I don,t buy things though. I bought two things that day. Now I have two more things. I got rid of several things recently so I,m trying to recoup my losses. I live on a tiny boat so I try to always have the same amount of stuff on there so it stays balanced. That,s what they did in the olden days and that,s what I do now.

There was a store in the mall that had furniture that millionaire women would buy. I sat in there for a while and looked at a whiteboard calendar on the wall. Next to the calendar there were several horse-related pictures. Some of them were pictures of horses while others were horse components and schematics. Before I left the millionaire women,s store I wrote on the whiteboard calendar, ,,Horse photography class,, on one of the days in the middle of the month. 

Stop Saying That

Today is my tenth day of being at work in a row. That,s a lot of days even though I don,t work very hard. I have had to spend at least eight hours here each of those days. I,m going nuts. It,s making me like people that come here even less than I already did. I was supposed to work tomorrow as well but I think my boss could sense the violent rage silently building inside of me and he decided it would be a better idea to let me not work one day than to deal with me catching a bird and boiling it in front of a bunch of people or something.

These last ten days have been extra weird. A bunch of robberies have happened. I think I may have dreamt some of them, but I,m pretty sure at least a few were real. Some guy came and stole some people,s stuff one night and then came back a few days later and stole a ton of money. Maybe it was me. I don,t think it was, but the days are blending together and my eyes have been bad recently. I can,t trust my senses right now. I hope the police aren,t reading this. I wonder how many times I,ve written that sentence on here.

Thelonious Monk - Thelonious Alone In San Francsico There were a bunch of fruit flies in my apartment the other day because I hadn,t been home enough to notice that my trash was gross. I killed them all. I bet I swallowed some. I hope I did. I should have kept a small, cool light in my mouth while I was sleeping so they would be attracted to me and I could have breathed them in. I want them to die in a lung.

I,m having a lot of trouble writing this right now. I keep spelling everything even more wrong than usual. I,m really losing my mind. I can,t see anything far away. Everything smells like sour milk. I cut open a tomato today and it was full of vines and it scared me. I,m tired all the time. My throat feels weird. I keep going deaf in one ear for short periods of time. I won,t be surprised if I wake up dead soon.

A Drug

Last night I went to a weirdo noise show in a town next to the town that I grew up in. It was full of dads wearing sandals. That made me kind of uncomfortable because I don,t really like seeing dads, toenails unless they are my dad,s and even then I only tolerate it because he has given me so much money throughout my life. Apparently ,,tolerate,, only has one L. I had no idea.

My favorite guy there was a dad wearing cutoff cargo shorts. Maybe they weren,t actually cutoff. They could have been made to look like that. That sounds much more likely. He was shopping at Target with his fourteen year old son who he got to see for two weekends out of the month and he saw those and could not resist buying them. ,,My son,s friends will totally want to come over and hang out at my house when they see me wearing these,,, he thought. ,,I,ll be the coolest dad around. I bet I,ll look like I,m not even old enough to drink when I,m wearing these. I,ll get carded everywhere I go.,, Then he thought, ,,I wonder if I could show my mugshot and the police report from one of my DUIs as valid form of ID.,,

Kaki King - ...Until We Felt Red He was wearing sandals and he used those sandals to carefully rock back and forth on a plastic whammy pedal while he strummed the same chord for fifteen minutes over a short looping beat that was playing on his phone. Needless to say, it was exactly what you would expect from a dad who just started playing guitar eight months ago to impress his son who doesn,t care about him because he still remembers when he was a little kid and his dad was drunk and fighting with his mom while driving and they crashed and now he has that weird, red scar on his leg.

My friend played some music and I left right after because I was worried that my facial hair would start to get patchy and my clothing would turn orange or tie dye and I would start being really into organic coffee and music comprised entirely of hand drums. Only a few of those changes have occurred since last night so I,m glad I left when I did. I could be wearing a sarong right now if I had waited around.

Allergic To Bread

I have been spending so much money lately in very dumb ways. My roommate moved out a week ago so my living expenses doubled. Now I have to pay for a tiny living room/kitchen, hall, bathroom, my room, and an empty room. I should probably put something in that empty room so I feel like I,m getting my money,s worth. I was thinking that I would put an ironing board in there. Maybe I,ll put a dirty, stained mattress in there and take off the glass cover off of the overhead light so it,s just bare bulbs and if I ever trick a girl into coming over, I,ll keep the room to my door closed and bring her into the diarrhea mattress room and immediately shut the light off. I guess I have to board up the window in there too so it,s extra spooky and romantic. That,s going to cost even more money.

Dan The Automator - Wanna Buy A Moneky? Instead of doing what a human would do in this situation, I went out and spent the most money I have ever spent on groceries and I bought a stupid phone so my phone bill will be twice as expensive. That makes sense. Now that I,m not forcing somebody to share the financial burden of my disgusting apartment, I increase my spending by a lot. That,s what America is all about. Maybe I,m doing it so people will think I,m cooler. They,ll look at me and whisper, ,,Look at that guy. He spends so much money and doesn,t make that much. I,d like to be his friend because I think that,s cool and risky. He,s like a more skeletal John Wayne,,

Maybe I,m having a midlife crisis. Old guys usually spend a lot of money on something stupid when they realize that they,re old. If that,s happening, I,m not going to live to be that old. I guess fifty is kind of old. Not upgrading my living space but instead paying more for it is my version of buying a fancy red car and having sex with an ugly, emaciated blond girl. I think I,m fine with that. I,ll do that other stuff during my end life crisis which will happen during everybody else,s midlife crisis. I want to never write ,,Crisis,, again.

Wet Socks

There are so many blind people at my work right now. I,m at my work too, but I,m not blind. Usually when I,m at work writing about people I have to keep looking over my shoulder to make sure they,re not around. That,s a ridiculous precaution to take. There is no way anybody would look at what I am writing. I guess the bottom line is that I keep doing that even though I don,t have to. One of the blind guys looks like Kid Rock. I wonder if people have told him that before. I can hear people smashing cups in the kitchen.

I generally feel kind of bad when I look at girls because it,s not that cool to look at a girl and sometimes think, ,,I bet she looks cool with less clothes on,,, but I feel even worse doing that to blind girls. Two girls here are kind of cute and very blind and I feel like I,m taking advantage of them. I don,t know if that feeling is warranted. Maybe I should feel that way when I look at anybody. I,m sure it doesn,t feel good to have some weird ghoul look at you. It might actually be better that they don,t know that I,m doing it. This is the craziest rambling I,ve ever done. I am just continually changing my mind about a subject that doesn,t matter and is uninteresting to everybody including myself.

Colin F - Raw Dawgin Some of the blind people wanted to watch a movie. I didn,t know what that meant. Apparently it means that they wanted to watch The Social Network. That movie was made especially for blind people. It,s extremely bright and loud and a narrator describes every scene in exquisite detail. I thought that was very cool of Facebook. I think that movie is about Facebook. I haven,t seen it. I haven,t watched a movie in a while. Last night I slept through a really bad episode of a show about some nutcase who was sad because some relative of his killed some people four hundred years ago. That doesn,t count as a movie though. That,s what I learned in college. Episodes of television shows aren,t movies. 

Overwhelmingly Bad

Last night I went to a pretty weird show. It was weird because it was at a bar and I was the youngest person there and I had never heard any of the bands and I didn,t really want to be there and I found out that all grown ups smoke cigarettes and all grown up ladies have really bad tattoos. I also found out that grown ups are not any different than kids. Both groups are very stupid and loud and have dumb voices that hurt my left ear because you,re standing right next to me. I don,t care that you spent a lot of money dying your hair an unearthly red/orange color and buying an ugly, blue pinup dress. You look like your personality. You,re a bummer. Quit yelling. I don,t think the weirdo guy you,re talking to is that interested in what you think about dogs.

I spent most of the evening near my friend who I went with. I listened to him talk to people I didn,t know. He was telling them stories I had already heard, but he,s a good storyteller so it wasn,t bad. Plus, it,s always nice to hear about an old man pooping in some lady,s truck. I could listen to stories like that all night long. So that,s what I did.

Pregnant Women - Dead Meat At one point, a woman with piss colored napkins for hair and grossly misshapen features started talking to me out of pity. She asked me how old I was, what my favorite color was, how drunk I was, what I did, and if I came there often. She bad to look at and listen to. She was right on par with one hundred percent of the other people there. She got mad that I didn,t have a favorite color and I got mad that she was talking so close to me. She had lipstick on her teeth. She also had lipstick on her lips. I,m not sure which was worse. Eventually I went back to my straight ahead staring routine and she went inside to probably continue being a miserable bag of mop water. 

When I finally went inside I got to see two weird looking adults lying on top of each other. I guess they were fighting, but they were moving so slowly that it confused me. One of them was caressing the other and they both looked like they were smiling. Everybody got mad and made them leave. I think they were just trying to take a nap. Later, a big fat guy ran into a girl and a glass broke.

Wear Your Glasses

Is it weird to just have one sweaty part when you have two that should be sweaty? You know, like if only one leg is sweating but the other is fine. That seems weird to me. One of my armpits has been sweating while the other has remained dry. I don,t know which armpit I should worry about. It would be cool if they both didn,t sweat, but then I,d probably die from sweat poisoning or my body would just fill up with salt water like a balloon. Obviously I have no idea how the human body works. I just suggested that not sweating would turn your body into a latex balloon. That hasn,t happened in hundreds of years. We are way beyond that.

Old Softy - Wrestling I have health insurance and there is a number I can call to talk to a real live nurse about things whenever I want. Maybe I should call and talk to the nurse about my uneven sweating. I,m pretty sure that I put the same amount of deodorant under each arm flap. Maybe that would throw it off. I,m good about that though. I,ve got a rigid routine that I never deviate from. Maybe I should call the nurse and ask them about Obama.

My smell is very important to me. I have been trying for years to figure out how to remove my smell completely, but I have come to the conclusion that that is impossible. Instead, I just make sure that I smell the same all the time. I have been using the same brands of things that smell for a long time. That,s probably a good first step towards becoming a completely crazy person. I am terrified to do things that might make me smell even a little bit different. I won,t ride in new cars. I won,t be in the same room as girls. I won,t eat foods that contain any spices or seasonings. I won,t celebrate Christmas. I won,t go down water slides. I,m not sure that I,ve ever done anything.