Learning To Drive A Sitck Vehicle

When I was seventeen or eighteen a friend of mine told me that he almost made somebody,s mom vomit when he farted during a card game. I immediately knew that this was something that I wanted to be a part of. I wanted to make somebody vomit using only the horrific stench of my homemade fumes. It seemed like a difficult and maybe even impossible goal but I at least wanted to try.

I had never known anybody that had ever accomplished this feat nor anybody that had ever been the victim. For a very long time it seemed the thing of legends. You read about it happening in the time of the settlers but who knows how much of that was true and how much was fabrication? Over time, my yearning to make somebody sick subsided. I had almost forgotten about how important this task once was to me when one night about two years ago I released a secret surprise in a crowded room and somebody started gagging. It didn,t come to fruition that night but they did tell me that they were close. The flame had been rekindled and my faith in the improbable was revitalized.

My diet as of late has been pretty normal. I have been eating way too many simple carbohydrates, very few vegetables, very little protein other than the occasional gross burrito, and drinking lots of water. The only variable that I have been able to identify is that I have been eating Raisin Bran for the past few days. Raisin Bran isn,t very good but it was cheap. I think it might be this little addition that has created such a volatile chemical reaction deep within my bowels.

Mount Kimbie - Sketch On Glass EP
My already terrible excreted gasses have been dramatically more severe as of late. Not only have they been much more frequent but they have been piercingly pungent and lasting. They permeate clothing, fabric of any kind really, they hang in the air for very extended periods and don,t even get me started as to what the chair I sit in at work smells like now. It is absolutely disgusting. I have been marinating and stewing in my own hot, sour egg farts for far too long now. They are singularly awful. They smell as if somebody had boiled vinegar into a thick reduction and then covered hard boiled eggs in this greasy mix and cooked them in the hot summer sun. It is so much more than that though. It is much more organic and sharp. It,s like getting stabbed in the throat with and acidic icicle and being thrown into a garbage can that has been sealed for a long time in intense heat and all of the contents have been removed but somebody has poured a lot of a gallon of milk in there a few days before. If eliminating that horrible cereal from my diet doesn,t clear things up, then I am going to have to see a doctor.

I have been spending a lot of time with a very pretty and tolerant girl lately. We all know that there is almost nothing more satisfying than farting on or near a pretty girl. Obviously I have been doing that as much as I possibly can. I sneak up behind her when she is sitting on the couch and I rip it loud and proud on the back of her head. I pin her down by sitting on her stomach and vibrate her intestines using only the expelled gasses from mine. I sit near her and admire her unending patience and symmetrical facial features while secretly releasing the foul concoction into my hand and shoveling it into her mouth. The pure joy and delight I get from these simple acts is of near-unimaginable proportion. I would like to think that she enjoys it as well but she most certainly does not.

I spent much of last night torturing this poor girl with my violently bad odors. The apex of the evening came just as I was about to go to bed. I let out what I thought was a standard awful dry diarrhea. I noticed nothing out of the ordinary. It was as silent as an assassin in the night. The sweaty aroma didn,t even hit me. Suddenly, she gasps for air. Her eyes look pained and sick. She runs to the door but it,s much too late. She gags. She gags again as I laugh in a mixture of horror, disbelief and ecstasy. She reaches for the garbage can that I assume she is using as a comical prop. She gags again and tells me, with tears in her eyes, that she is going to throw up. I am roaring with laughter but now feeling slightly sick myself to have made this kind young woman suffer so greatly. She vomits a black slick of oil into the can. I give us both a round of applause as she chokes out, ,,It,s chocolate cake,,. She has thrown up the chocolate cake that she had right before dinner but somehow managed to keep the pasta down. I lay in a state of weightlessness, of bliss, or enlightenment as she ties the garbage bag and brings it outside and washes her mouth out.

My Money

The other night I went miniature golfing with some of my friends. I spent a good majority of the evening screaming and demanding that people climb into things and throwing my club. I started demeaning those that were playing with me and telling them that they had to be somebody else if they made a hole in one. Everybody ended up being Kurt Loder and Adam Richman.

Being exposed to the elements for that brief period of one night really got my allergies excited. My nose was, and still is running almost constantly. The fluid that is escaping through my dragon-style nostrils is not like the normal stuff that dumps out when I get sick. It is the exact color, flavor, consistency and viscosity of water. It is water. My body is turning into a 1915 New York tenement and my face is a rusted pipe.

James Blake - CMYK
The worst pert about my drippy brain water is that it is the exact temperature of my skin. This means that I can,t always tell if it is dripping down into my mouth. Sometimes I can because it tickles my lip but other times, like when I,m focusing on how pretty the girl is that I have tricked into letting me look at her, I don,t notice it and it can make for weird situation. My nose juice dripped onto a girl the other night is what I am trying to say. She acted like it wasn,t a big deal but it totally was. Nobody wants any fluid that I have produced anywhere near them.

I accidentally cut my hair really, really short. I have been toying with the idea of committing suicide because I now know how far my hairline has receded. I look like a forty-something Jewish guy but with a smaller wiener and much less control over major media outlets. I don,t know if that was directed at somebody in particular but it sure was racist. The plus side to having almost no hair is that it makes wigs look much more realistic. I am going to start cycling through my grocery bag of old women,s hairpieces. I have enough to have a new, great head of hair everyday for about two weeks before I have to repeat. I just need something to cover up my chronic high forehead acne.

Timed Anal Sex

I just checked and I wrote an article on here about Weed Day exactly one year ago because it,s Weed Day today. Now I don,t know what to write about. I did a pretty good job covering all of the major topics of this special day - The history, the politics, the controversy, the culture, the costumes etc. I highly suggest that you all go read that inspiring bit of literature right now.

My roommate is looking for a job right now and might have some mandatory drug tests coming up so he can,t rip the bubbler as hard as he should today. He loves to bub and I don,t blame him. Actually, I don,t think he grubs the bub as much as he used to. I don,t even think he knows what a bubbler is. He,s in new band now and the singer is straight edge so I don,t think he is allowed to even talk about that stuff anymore.

Secret Mommy - The Mall
Yesterday morning I woke up early to drive to a hospital to sit in a room with old men and talk about testicles and sperm. It was alright. It reminded me a lot of being in college. Not so much the topics, but the people in there were exactly like the people I had in every one of my classes. The worst guy was the know-it-all hunchback. We had to sign in when we got there and his name was the first on the list because he had arrived twenty minutes before anybody else. He mentioned that he was a dentist a few times during the hour that we were in there and he even wrote Dr. on the sign in sheet. I understand that he probably paid a lot of money to learn how to look down girls, throats and feel them up when they are unconscious but he doesn,t need to brag about it so much.

There was also a bizarre amount of laughter when the word ,,penis,, was said by the instructor. I was the youngest person there by at least ten or fifteen years. I was pretty embarrassed to have been there by the end of the hour. That horrible dentist kept underlining everything he read which completely negated the act of underlining something that he thought was important. I really hated that guy. I hope when he gets surgery they mess up and he dies.

Be Good

My sweet little real roommate moved out yesterday. He told me two days ago that he was going to and now he is gone forever in Iraq, fighting for my freedom. Thank you. Please keep him in your prayers. He didn,t really move to Iraq. He just moved down the street because he,s a rich bitch now and doesn,t want to live in a little mold box anymore. He wants to live in a bigger, more expensive mold box and be able to have missionary position sex as quietly as his little heart desires. Good for him. I wish him luck on his journey of discovery.

I,m going to miss him but probably not that much because I plan on making a copy of his house key the first chance I get so I can be in his bed when he gets home at night after a twelve hour work day. I think he would like that. I don,t want him getting lonely. I can cook him a steak dinner and wash his feet with my hair and let him hit me every night just like all good couples do.

Nico Muhly - Speaks Volumes
My fake roommate is now transitioning into my real roommate which is quick, easy, convenient and fun. It is the quickest move I have ever seen because all he has to do is move his sleeping bag from the couch in the living room to his new bedroom. In my head he has an insatiable thirst for women. I am very excited to see the constantly rotating cast of beautiful, exotic women he brings home to kiss and/or kill. I don,t really know if he kisses that much. He probably does. He,s a good looking guy and he has tattoos. I think most people get a tattoo each time they kiss somebody pretty and he has quite a few of them. He gets tattoos of everybody he kisses. So far he has kissed a skull, a bird, a knife, a flower, a wing, an Egypt, a branch and some words. He,s doing pretty well for himself.

I hope I can be like him when I grow up. I have never kissed a flower. He skateboards and wears dark clothes and listens to rock and roll and tonight we are having a potluck. We haven,t done that in a long time. I,m making the only thing I know how to make and he is making stuffed peppers, or as he calls them, ,,Raped Mexicans,,. He made those last time we did this and it was a great success. That was at Christmas so maybe they only tasted good because of the holiday spirit that was in the air. I guess we,ll find out tonight. Two other people are making stuff but they are probably just making bags of chips and napkins and soda.

I recently met somebody that calls soda ,,Pop,,. That is never acceptable. I can almost understand if you want to call it soda pop but you should not take the dumb second half of the term. Who wants do drink an onomatopoeic word? Is ,,Queef,, onomatopoeic? Some queefs (queeves?) sound like a hog,s throat being cut.

Standard

Everybody is sick except me. Now that I wrote that I,m going to get sick. Thanks a lot. Both my real and fake roommates are always coughing. I sort of think they are doing it as a joke because they know that I don,t like repetitious bodily sounds. I bet one of them got sick and then kissed the other one to make him sick too so they could double team me with hacking wet coughs and spitting in the shower. It started around April first so it makes sense that it is a prank. The joke is on them though because they think they are just normal sick but I reversed the prank and gave them a sweet little case of hantavirus.

I guess I,m sort of sick too. It recently stopped being rainy and gloomy and started being windy and sunny. Bummer. That means that I get to sneeze all the time and I am too hot at night so I have to figure out different configurations and ratios of exposed to covered body in order to find the proper temperature to sleep. I wore a surgical mask for a good portion of the day today and that helped a little bit but my breath smells like pig skin so it made my stomach hurt. You win some, you lose some.

I have only eaten bread or bread-based foods for the past several days and my body is dying. It,s making me breath smell like a phone booth. I have been trying to not spend too much money so I have been eating whatever is in my apartment rather than buying new, good, healthy food. I have eaten plenty of noodles and cereal and that,s it.

Nôze - Piano EP
I kicked a French fry the other night and my roommate ate it. I just stole a slice of pizza from the fridge at work. It was clearly labeled as somebody else,s property. Is it a ,,slice,, or a ,,piece,, of pizza. Which is more appropriate? Which is more Italian? I think it depends on the kind of pizza. If it,s cold, then it,s always a slice. If it,s hot it can go either way.

This is the worst thing I have ever written. It would probably be better to trash this and start over. Maybe I,ll do that. I,ve already written so much garbage though. This is actually about on par with everything I have ever written and will ever write. Thank god I spent four and a half years of my life learning how to write about stuff. This is probably the most academic thing I do anymore. Well, this and adding two numbers together at the end of every shift I work. I don,t even use a calculator and there is one in the drawer that I could use if I wanted. I like to challenge myself as is obvious by my choice in pursuing a film degree and not doing anything after I graduated. If anybody has ever been proud of me then they are an idiot.