Cypress Hill

But seriously, we went to this rad movie premiere last night. It was fun. There was a surprising amount of goofy rich girls there spending money and not laughing at the funny parts. The movie was good, it was called "Goose vs Pussy". It was about these three brothers in Alaska and they have to fight all these bad guys to get their money back. It had Adam Sandler, Drew Barrymore, Patrick Swayze, and Scatman Crothers. Oh yeah and the bad guy was played by Tom Arnold. Here is a trailer for it.

There were these three or four rich Beasts of Burden there who were comletely lost. They kept identifiying with the wrong characters, "He,s a pig" kind of stuff. You know? They left way early in the film, the part where that guy jerks off for like 4 minutes straight and it,s just the sound of his breathing. Wussies. Busies.

Tera Melos - Drugs To The Dear Youth
So check out that movie if youre into it. Here. Don,t be crazy lazy ding dong.

Love,

Bernie Mack

First Day of Wintear

I just got done cleaning the bathroom. Not really the bathroom, just the toilet. That thing didn,t even look good enough for me to let things fall out of my body into it. Gross. I gave it a good swipe or two so don,t worry. It wont be gross like that again for another eight days or something.

I was reading my CPF,s (Close Personal Friend,s) blog today and it made me think about how great it is to take yourself so seriously and to use pretentious language to explicate thine most inner convictions and postulations. It would be really fun to act like you,re writing something really deep and meaningful in your journal but then put it some place where everybody can see it. But not only can everybody see it, you thrive on the comments they give you and you feel like you,ve helped explain the enigmatic, cornucopic being that thine is. Blogs are great.

Then I started thinking about how important and biting somebody must feel if they just make their own blog to criticize other people,s work. They would feel so smug and clever for saying their point of view to probably nobody when they,re really just dumb jerks. They would try to find the coolest, weirdest music they could to put on there to make it seem like they were ahead of the current trend when really they just got it off of some other Beast of Burden,s blog. I hate those kind of guys (I say guys because girls are usually kind of too dumb to make blogs) that think they,re so hot. They go around and take pictures at parties and dress all weird. Just a bunch of jerks if you ask me.

Owen Hart - Demo
I saw a blog that this lesbian (see, lesbians are more like guys so they can write blogs) put together of girls that she thought were hot and it had her poetry and writings and stuff. There was a write up on Cassie Steele, you know, the slutty one from Degrassi. It said that she had a band and I checked them out and they,re pretty good. They sound like a mix between Sublime and Ben Harper and the lyrics are pretty rad. I guess she also has a sigg nose ring. Sooo hot!

This will be the last article for the Bline Zogazine. We,re done. It has been fun but we realized that this is just making things worse. Like when you,re having sex with a girl and she starts bleeding but she says to keep going because she is pretty sure it,s just her period and you don,t really believe her so you pull out and go in for a closer inspection and you realized she just miscarried so you pop the little guy in your mouth and you have to swallow it or she,ll notice so you have it in your mouth and it,s gross because it,s the first time you ever had sex with her so you know it,s some other guy,s kid but at least she,s not freaking out and cutting herself anymore. It,s not helping anybody. We,re sorry if we hurt you. We,re going to go eat some bleach. Today is the two year anniversary of me being edge.

Love,

Dr. Cracked Peppercorn Bagel with Garden Vegetable Creamed Cheese

Getting My Own Place

School is hella over. Today was my last day. It,s been hella lame lately, bunch of finals and stuff. I,m only taking two classes this semester but I still had a hard time. I took Phys 181 - Shape Identification and Art 21 - Color Matching. I had to take both finals today and get up all early and stuff. Hella lamez! The first final was for my color class. We (and by we I mean myself and 6 other kids) had to look at a series of pictures of common objects, things like a car, a boot, two fishes, a man raping another man, coffee, and bong hit and write down what colors we thought they were. I,ve been taking color classes since middle school and I can tell you this test was the hardest. Instead of having just one or two colors for the test, each picture was a different color. It was hard. My shapes class wasn,t any easier. We had to not only identify four different shapes (squares, circles, that kind of stuff) but we had to draw our own. Free hand! It was even harder than colors.

Steve Reich - Music for 18 Musicians
When I was 7 years old we lived in Allen Park, Michigan. During the frosty season it would get hella cold. Me and my cousin Madison would skate on the frozen goose pond that was near our guy,s shack. Our guy was this little withered colored guy that cleaned our horse,s assholes. I fell in once. It was mid April and the ice was getting pretty thin. There was not a single Beast of Burden around so nobody could hear me screaming. I had to muster the strength to pull myself out. When I finally made it inside I was half dead. Luckily Uncle Doctor was there to revive me. He blew hot air from his mouth into my pee-pee. Uncle Doctor said that I had a pretty bad inner ear infection.

It wasn,t long before my motor skills started going. I couldn,t tie my shoes anymore and doing normal stuff was hella hard. I think thats why it has taken me so long to learn my shapes and stuff. Luckily I was able to get a job at a cool place selling snowboards to hella hot gurls. It allworked out in the end, you know.

From,

Senor Mal Tiempo Salsa Verde

Getting Married

A good Beast of Burden hung out for a few days. It was nice. She painted our faces and put us in oversized goat robes and took pictures of us. We sent them into a fine publication known as Menstruation Monthly. Hopefully we,ll hear back from them soon. I think it,ll be our big break, you know, into the industry (the meat industry).

It all went by pretty fast. One of the nights we had a feast of vegan lobster. It,s not that the lobster was made of pussy gluten or banana husks, it was raised vegan. It only ever drank soy milk and kombucha. Tis the season.

Charles Ives - Piano Sonata No. 2
I learned some things this weekend.

1) I really like that show that might be called human tetris.
2) I like it when huge crowds of people surround one guy and throw him in the air.
4) I hate movies with ships.
5) I like The Office but not as much as The Office. You know?
6) Look at this.

Yours Sincere,

Ice Queen Simpsons Teeth

All Over Print Clothing

So I know we haven,t written a new article in eight weeks or whatever but we have good reason. It may come as a shock to some of you Beasts of Burden, but one of our dear authors has recently passed away. You may remember the compelling article written by one Mother Potato. It was an award winning piece discussing and questioning the values of the human endeavour, the meaning found in personal relationships, and the difference between faith and belief. I don,t think I need to tell you that it was extrememly well written and awe inspiring. You can read it here.

Sweet Mother Potato will be missed by all of us here at Bline Zogazine. She was an outstanding woman - full of purity, kindness, benevolence, gummy bears, intelligence, huge boogs, hospitality, and a smile so warm you could roast a marshmellow on her lips.

The Fall of Troy - Phantom On The Horizon

The details of her death are somewhat ambiguous but what we could find out was that she did in fact end her own life. Apparently she has had a pretty severe drinking problem for about the last eight months, ever since her old drug dealer got her pregnant and forced her to have and in house abortion. You know, the kind where you go to whatever cheap dollar store and get that plastic shovel and pale that kids play with at the beach and just scoop the sin out of her guts. It really effected her, emotionally I mean. She was not quite the same after Starflake (her old drug dealer) excavated that semi-formed body out from between her rich, creamy thighs. So she hit the bottle and she hit it hard.

Rumor has it that she got into weird beastiality videos to help pay for the sauce. But it didn,t stop there. She moved from booze to the real stuff. She starting going to Home Depot and stealing fluorescent lamps, smashing them open and inhailing the sweet, stimulating mercury vapor hidden beneath the glass. Her addiction took over her life. She would show up to work with bleeding gashes around her nose and lips from jamming those broken bulbs in her face to get a quick high. She was getting deeper and deeper into the flame game and before she knew it our dear Mother Potato had gone off the deep end. All I know is that she was found with a couple of broken fluorescents in her pooper, a half pint of Uncle Tiggly Wiggly,s Old Timey Stink Whiskey hanging from between her clam strips, a map of Jerusalem in one hand and an empty revolver in the other. She had shot her self in the nose trying to sniff the burnt gun powder out of the barrel. She mentioned in passing once that her Chinese friend told her that if you get a good hit of hot, burnt gunpowder it,s a high unlike any other.

I spent some time researching the perils of fluorescent guffing (that,s the term they use). This will give you an idea of what,s happening. If you want the whole truth though, here is a link to David Groot,s shockumentary on the subject. He,s been involved with the bulb guffing struggle for years and knows exactly what,s going on. Read it. Get involved! All the resources are there!

So that is how it happened.

We held her funeral service on November 19th and thought it would be a good idea if we all sort of took a break for a while from the whole writing thing to pay our respects to one of the finest women ever born. So that is why this month has been a little lacking in articles. But now that that stupid bitch is in the ground we can get back to our meaningful work.

Mournfully Yours,

Principal Opal Regence Diagram Scepter

The BBC Took My Baby Away

Remember my homie that got his bike stolen? Well, thanks to all of you sweet little Beasts of Burden out there he has a brand new one. It,s a rad figgzed gear. It,s also a rad folding bike and it,s made to go off road. It,s really just one of those off road skateboards. What are those called? He really likes it though. We built this mud ramp in my back yard. I even figured out how to put coping on it. He can do tail grinds and flip flops. Fun stuff. Here is a picture of the new bike.

The Chap - Builder,s Brew
I just wanted to say thank you. Within 3 weeks we recieved enough donations from you generous Beasts to get him a top of the line motor-off road-bike-board. Soon I,ll try and post some pictures of him doing grabs.

Thanks again.

Senior Capitol Gardener Ship

Coeur d,Alene is Full of Racists

We changed history today. Well actually, we didn,t really. When I got to the polling place they told me a few things. They said I couldn,t vote because:

A) I am a convicted fellon. (I guess all it takes to be called a convicted felon these days is to just hang out with Blobby, sell drugs at a middle school, kill Tupac, and make it on this weird list called Megan's Law. Whatever.)
B) I am not a legal citizen. (A little known fact about me is that I was born on a commune in Idaho. I am completely undocumented and my real name is Loveweather Unicorn Fist.)
C) I look like a terrorist. (A guy can,t even grow out a beard and wear a turban and wear that same hat that Che Guevara wore and carry the Qur'an and carry bombs and wear a shirt that says "I,m a Terrorist!" without being accused of something.)

So I couldn,t really change history, but I tried. My friend did though. He voted for me to be mayor. I think I have an alright chance.


Black Lips - Good Bad Not Evil

The polling place was weird. I guess it,s pretty hip to vote now. There was this one Beast of Burden there with cool tattoos and bikes with no brakes and a hat too small for his head and rolled up pants. I think his name was Madison. He gave me the cold shoulder but I,ll always look up to him. Sigh. Besides being a mecca for hipster fashion and irony, the place was full of homeless people looking for soup and blankets. It looked like a miniature Loaves and Fishes. They were nice enough though. A cute young homeless couple invited us to this 80s dance party and this guy named Francis, house. We couldn,t go because we were too busy either voting for our proud white leader McCain or being escorted out of the building because we,re not American enough to vote. We tried to find that party after we rogged the vode but had no luck. You know how those parties are, always trying to look so inconspicuous and hidden. They were probably just elitest jerks anyway.

I really hope John Kerry wins. I think he could take the primaries this year and pull the hat-trick.

Sincerely,

The Very Next Mayor of The Wiggle Worm Express

2012: Will Smith

I was reading about the history of Halloweeg today. The Natives (or Navajo Americans as "they" like to be called. Whatever, they,re not even people really just drunk noble savages. Fire water and thunder sticks, get real.) invented Halloweeg when Christoforo Columbo discovered America. They thought he was a ghost because he was pure and white rather than red, so they threw candy corn at him. Back then it was just called regular corn though because it was just regular corn. The worst part of this example of mistaken identity is that the Navajo Americans were throwing it in a mean way. They were threatened by sweet little Columbo for some reason. He was just trying to give them blankets and stuff. But they became friends later that night. They all made each other cornucopias filled with nature,s bounty.

It,s crazy how much has changed since those simple times 200 years ago. Now there are things like the internet, texting, sidekicks, faceboogs, prom nights, shiny nylon leggings, big glasses, v-neck sweaters, bread, red bull, and Heath Ledger (awww). I miss him a lot. He was a really good actor. I heard he was going to marry Ashley Olsen.


GoodBooks - Control

Now Halloweeg is all about wearing short skirts and bunny ears and seeing how much you can puke to look thinner than any other Beast of Burden. All of that is super fun and whatever, but we have strayed so far from the true meaning of this special holliday. I think we should start celebrating the way people used to. We should start giving each other blankets and corn instead of razor blade filled apples and bullets and stuff. I heard that,s what some people do! Isn,t that terrible?! Ugh. Makes me super sad about people and stuff. Call me a wussy or whatever but I care about people,s feelings. I get sad about puppies and cute things getting hurt. Thats why I don,t eat meat anymore except Panda Express orange chicken, bacon, fish, chicken Mcnuggets from McDonalds, falafel, my mom,s pork chops, and pepperoni pizza (so yummy!). So I,m helping cute little baby animals not get hurt. And I recycle and stuff. It makes me sad to see people waste stuff. There are people out there who have to live in really small apartments and their parents are divorced and the have to take the bus and stuff. I don,t know, it just makes me sad.

All you have fun tonight. And be safe! Don,t drink and drive. My dad has two DUIs already and it,s really stressful when he gets drunk. Thats a whole other thing though. So be safe, have fun, and look for me tonight! I,ll be partying. Until then I,m going to go swimming, we just finished our indoor pool. Our other one is way too cold this time of year, it,s heated but I like to swim in really warm water.

Love,

Colonel Sargent Camouflage Stately Leader


But seriously, if you look up 'bottle of pills' on google image search the first page has a picture of Heath Ledger.

Are You Textually Active?

Hey all you hella cute Beasts of Burden out there, I just thought I would let you know a little bit about my political views or whatever. I know it,s hella boring but bear with me. I don,t typically vote but I figured this election was kind of important or something. So I just finished filling out my absentee ballot. I think I was supposed to vote for some guy named Barack Osama Sadam Hussein Bin Ladin Obama or else people are going to call me a racist. I voted for this rad old guy named McCain. He,s got this babe girlfriend named Sarah or something. Oh well, I think I made the right decision. Oh, and then I voted to put animals in even smaller cages than they are currently in. I think their cages are going to be so small that their heads and wings and legs poke out through the bars like they do in cartoons. That should be cute. Hella cute.


Max Tundra - Parallax Error Beheads You

Love,

6 Members of the Adams Family

Oh So Hot Pants

I can,t believe I,ve waited this long to bring this up. A while ago, when I was heavily into the dating scene and drugs and working out I had some pretty bad experiences. I won,t go into the deets (thats short for details, doi) but I will tell you my life is still a mess because of some bad choices I made over and over again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, Beast of Burden. Fool me three times and I am now paying thousands of dollars a month just to function semi-normally. I guess that is what a sweet, sensuous cocktail of promiscuity, cheap drugs, and bovine growth hormones will get you. All I,m trying to say is that I have learned a lesson that I hope nobody else will have to learn. Taking the time to (alliteration) read this little pamphlet may save your life. I wish I had seen it before it was too late.



Worker Bee - EP

My heart goes out to those I,ve wronged. My heart goes into the hospital quite often because of those that have wronged me.









Love,

Senator Terry Schiavo

Rotator Cuff

My friend got his bike stolen on his birthday. He got the bike for his birthday too, so it was double bad (like when the ice melts and then it,s like second drink). He had a bike before that though. It was brown and small and sung folk-punk songs about justice and equlity and the man and coffee and stuff. He left his folk-punk bike in this Beast of Burden,s kitchen and the it got trashed, everybody was mad about it.

We are now accepting donations to get my friend a new bike. Minimum donations start at 85 dollars. When you donate you get a free hand crafted, blurry tattoo of your favorite political symbol. Just to let you know, the house specialty is that sigg A with a circle around it, or a heart, or a smiley face. All great options in my opinion.

We were walking ((alliteration) oh, I should have said with) and we (alliteration) saw this goon, gooning around on his specialty goon bike that he said cost 4000 dollars. We did,t have any intention of taking his picture but he kept pulling his weiner out and treating it like a lassoe. Unfortunately, by the time we put our weiners away and pulled out the camera his weiner had retracted and he was just riding his ketchup and mustard goon bike. Boring. Fortunately, he handed us a brochure (or pamphlet, I don,t remember) about his upcoming art show. He creates almost all of his art by slathering his lassoe ween with ketchup and mustard and rubbing on canvas. It looked kind of ok.



Andy Dixon - The Mice of Mt. Career

Yours truely,

Dr. Ownership Regions Manipulation Officer Tendril Ph.D

Eagle Wing

Today was fine until my nose got stuvved ubb. Idd suggz. I guess Bline Zogazine is a real bummer. The other day some Beast of Burden told me that reading Bline totally wrecked his afternoon. He was checking out a sigg lingk (probably the one about being TOTAL DORKS) and his ipod quit working. Keep in mind he did leave it outside the night before and it rained quite a bit but he swears it is our fault. Apparently it earased all of his M. Night Shallyman movies and his live Lisa Loeb bootlegs. He paid top dollar on ebay for those I guess.

Needless to say he is pretty upset. He called me a bunch of weird names and made me buy him dinner. It was alright I guess. We went to this gross delicious place and got some cheap sandwiches. The Frenched Fries were pretty great. He almost got a small orange juice but we all know what that means. The large was an expectedly small amount. Whatever though, it,s just juice. We talked about what we want to be for Halloween and how good it feels to break edge and to break veg and to break an edge-uh-skedge. Does anybody even know when that voting thing is anyway?





John Cage - Indeterminacy






Love,

Mother Potato

Rohnert Park, California

I really miss being in Spain. We had such a good time there. The girls were just so hot and wet. You know? Yeah right. We always sat on the veranda and drank French drinks and spoke Spanish and complained. I wish I was still there with my real friends and our free wifi and cheap rent and freedom and health and lots of money. We would always sit on the roof and drink European drinks and speak European to each other and complain in European.

Last night we walked around the scape of the city taking advantage of people. We saw the cops beating up Blobby and taking him to jail. Funny enough, it was the same cop mentioned in the first digital Bline Zogazine article. I,m pretty sure they busted, or should I say, blasted out one of Blobby,s eyes with their stabbing sticks. It was mezzed ubb. I guess he beat up some 14 year old girl and stole some crack cocaine from her. I know it was bad on his part but she was dressed so sluttily that she was sort of asking for it.
The Cribs - The Cribs

We also saw this cool motorcycle and these cool Beasts of Burden walking around trying to blow up the twin towers. They kept saying they were looking for something explosive so they could fly to New York (but they kept spelling it New Yourk, we were texting each other) and put it on ground zero and blow it up more. What a bunch or jerks. I bet they,re going to vote for Barack Osama Saddam Hussein Bin Laden Obama. Then they molested some bread thieves.
Nôze - How to Dance
Password = djtrian.blogspot.com

Love,
David Spokecard

Kill Kanye

So, congradulations to all my super-tight rebels who brought back those fly Ray Bans from the 80,s and 90,s. I must admit that I look particularly debonair as I cruise down the street on my razor style scooter. I just love how the oversized shades keep the wind out of my eyes as I blast around downtown looking for hella hot indie girls to come and listen to Smiths records with me. That way when I pull up alongside them as they gaggle amongst themselves my eyes don,t look all puffy like I've been ripping an abnormal amount of hoogah blasts.

I also appreciate the fact that their unisex styling allows me to tell the hip girls from the skeezes just by matching my glasses to theirs. As an added bonus, I just realized that Ray Bans and the poser Ray Bans have become so hip and popular that I and all you Beasts of Burden can now pick up a new pair in a variety of totally siqqqqq neon colours at the Sahg Stade Boogsdore.

Secret Mommy - Hawaii 5.0 EP
I,m so excited that people with crappy vision can even look as good as me by puting prescription lenses in them. It,s such a suckfest that I have 20/21 vision because I can,t get my insurance company to pay for a set of frames and clear, non-prescription lenses. Total crap. I,ve started staring at the sun reflecting off my toaster in the window in the hopes that my vision will become blurred.

Well, I better get out of here because I heard there,s a new art show opening up at the Crocker. I love that place.

Much love,

The Grand Editor-inside-of-Indian-Chief-Sitting-Bull Intern-for-Life

Mythbusters

Hi, I just wanted to come on here and like, share something about myself that most of my friends don,t even know. I just want to introduce myself and stuff. Hopefully this isn,t too boring or dumb or something! :P

I really like that show The Office. But what about the new season though? It could go either way. But I want everybody to know that I,m taking it really seriously. You know I heard it really is a documentary, well at least some parts. Like Jim and Pam really are engaged now. And Dwight really does own and live on a beet farm. How weird! LOL! I think Jim and Pam are so cute together. I can,t wait for their spin-off to start. I read about it yesterday at this website. I love that site! It,s going to be called "Jim and Pam Kissing" LOL that is so awesome!


Matmos - Supreme Balloon

But seriously, I really like that show. It like, is so like, real and stuff. I don,t know, it just reminds me of how my freinds and I would be if we worked in an office, we,re TOTAL DORKS! Anways, I,ve got to go to school. LAME!!!1 But I,ll be back on here to write to you soon you little Beasts of Burden.

Luv Ya,
Kisses,
Smooches,
Tickles,

Grand Owl Harem Offical

OMG I almost forgot about this! It,s like the cutest thing ever!

Zogging a Bline, an Important First Step

This is exactly what you thought. Bline Zogazine, a hybrid, super-sexual, electronic, analog, gender-bending, trash eating, machine created for consumption by sumptuous Beasts of Burden like yourself. We here, in the office, think you,re magnificent. We,re working on it. Have you ever heard of figgzed gearz? Have you ever heard of trying to look like you don,t try? We,re working on you. I, personally, think of you as both bold and italic. You amaze me every single day.

You know that one song The Dream did that I like? Here it is.

Right next to me, he,s working on the other part, right next to me he is. We,re doing it better than other hip kids. It,s not hip to know you,re a hipster. We know better. He really is using a 1950s era styled typing writer. When he writes, it sounds like this one cop rushing onto a highschool playground because there is a huge gang fight. But the cop is scared so he just starts shooting. And he shoots this girl that got stabbed in the throat by one of the other gang,s guys. And all the girls around her are puking because it,s so messed up to see something like that when you,re in tenth grade. But this cop just keeps shooting the stabbed-in-the-throat-girl and her puking friends because he thinks they,re bent over grabbing weapons (they,re just bent over because it hurts to puke so much in one day). So the cop grabs the stabbed girl and is dragging her to his car to take her to jail, but she,s super dead so she can,t walk or anything. He just keeps yelling, "Quit resisting!" Her friends that were puking keep yelling back, "She,s already dead, she,s not resisting." That cop is just shooting her in the head over and over and it,s in slow motion and he keeps shooting that same spot on the top of her head and her friends are still screaming and puking and crying. That cop won,t stop shooting though. And that is exactly what it sounds like when he,s typing.

This could be the start of a super-sexual relationship. Fingers crossed.

Love,

Supreme Working Author C.E.O. Curator Captain Owner