Not Anymore

Today is Black Friday - the anniversary of the day that everybody in Europe died from rat bites. That happened exactly one hundred years ago today. People celebrate this horrible occasion by sitting outside of buildings all night and trying to find rats and kill them. If they kill a rat, they get to go inside the building and buy something.

Most people don,t really do the rat killing anymore, though. That,s sort of an old, forgotten part of the holiday. Most people just wait outside of buildings at night and then buy things, but they think about rats while they,re doing it. It,s the thought that counts.

Perfect Pussy - I Have Lost All Desire For Feeling I,ve never celebrated Black Friday. I,ve killed and eaten plenty of rats, but never for any special reason. I just do it to live. There,s no real need to stay up all night in the freezing wind to do it. You can do it in the comfort of your own home if it,s filthy enough. Plus, you can honor the billions of dead Europeans in other ways. You can talk in a funny accent for a little while.

I wrote all of this with a funny accent. I know it,s difficult to read an accent sometimes, but as I read it, I can hear it in my brain box. Celebrating things internally is much more dignified and respectful. It,s like having an erection during class and not making a big deal about it.

Preparation

I am surrounded by maniacs right now. There is a convention at my work for people who like to pay to drink special water. They all seem like they are incredibly lonely and this is one of the few times each year when they are around other people who are insane enough to talk to them for more than a few seconds. They,re loving it. They all smell like they only eat dirt and figs.

One of the guys has teeth that look like they are just one tooth. There are no separations between them. They have melded together to form a lumpy, grey band. It is horrible to look at. It seems like his teeth would crumble if he tried to brush them. They are made out of old, wet clay. I,m sure that it,s a side effect from only drinking the special water that they all hold so dear.

Lindsay Lowend - Wind Fish "It removes every toxin in your body, even your teeth." That,s the tagline on every bottle. Teeth are God,s greatest mistake. You don,t need them. Dissolve them with this expensive water. Clean your organs and get rid of the white waste monopolizing your mouth. The mouth should be a celebration of the lips and tongue. Teeth have been showboating for too long. Put them in their place - the trash. Pay for this water and drink it.

Several Weird Notes

I went to a job interview today. I can,t believe I was a little nervous about it. It was dumb. The president of the company interviewed me. He was wearing a baseball hat. One of the employees is a gross dog. The carpet was in tatters. The receptionist looked like a melting pepperoni. There were crumpled papers everywhere.

He didn,t even know what questions to ask me. The first thing he said was that he hated doing interviews and hiring people. I laughed right in his face. He kept asking me what other questions he should ask me. I told him that I wasn,t hired yet so I wasn,t going to do his job for him. Then I laughed right in his stupid face again.

Jon Hopkins - Immunity I asked him what benefits the company offered and he said that employees get some holidays off. That was so insulting that I actually liked it a little. I bet he pays them in expired wartime food rations. I bet they are all related to him. I bet they ate the other dog that used to be employed there last year for Thanksgiving dinner.

I knew that I wouldn,t take the job right after the interview started, but I sat through the whole thing to find out how bad it would get. I was hoping that the dog would poop on the carpet and then eat it and then throw it up, but that didn,t happen. At least, it didn,t happen while I was there. It probably happened right after I left.

Taco Tuesday

I visited a nerd factory the other day. It was a small, hot room filled to the brim with nerds of all sorts. There were ugly, bug-eyed nerds, handsome, well dressed nerds, greasy nerds, dry nerds, and there were even a couple of professional nerds there. It was outstanding. I have never been surrounded by some many of my own people before.

These nerds were very intense. They had to pay money to get into the factory to watch the two professional nerds show off their wares. What I,m trying to say is that I drove an hour and a half away to watch two geniuses play weirdo piano music for a while. It was awesome. The music was so cool and sounded so ugly that I had to stifle my joyous laughter several times. I loved it. 

Pete Drake - Talking Steel & Singing Strings

It,s weird to think that there were people other than myself who would want to go to a thing like that - a performance of some of the ugliest music I have ever heard. I maybe have been the biggest nerd there, though. I think I get to wear that crown for now. I probably drove the farthest to get there so I probably paid the most and I also sat in the front row. I am so embarrassed and proud of the horrible monster that I am. 

The troll who was taking money would have been the biggest nerd if I hadn,t been there. Actually, I,m not sure how much physical appearance plays into being a nerd nowadays. If it,s still how it was in movies about the fifties and sixties, the uglier they are, the more nerd points they get. Unfortunately, I am terribly beautiful so I may lose some points there. All I know for sure is that I don,t like being around people who like the same things that I do because everybody is gross.