2012: Will Smith

I was reading about the history of Halloweeg today. The Natives (or Navajo Americans as "they" like to be called. Whatever, they,re not even people really just drunk noble savages. Fire water and thunder sticks, get real.) invented Halloweeg when Christoforo Columbo discovered America. They thought he was a ghost because he was pure and white rather than red, so they threw candy corn at him. Back then it was just called regular corn though because it was just regular corn. The worst part of this example of mistaken identity is that the Navajo Americans were throwing it in a mean way. They were threatened by sweet little Columbo for some reason. He was just trying to give them blankets and stuff. But they became friends later that night. They all made each other cornucopias filled with nature,s bounty.

It,s crazy how much has changed since those simple times 200 years ago. Now there are things like the internet, texting, sidekicks, faceboogs, prom nights, shiny nylon leggings, big glasses, v-neck sweaters, bread, red bull, and Heath Ledger (awww). I miss him a lot. He was a really good actor. I heard he was going to marry Ashley Olsen.


GoodBooks - Control

Now Halloweeg is all about wearing short skirts and bunny ears and seeing how much you can puke to look thinner than any other Beast of Burden. All of that is super fun and whatever, but we have strayed so far from the true meaning of this special holliday. I think we should start celebrating the way people used to. We should start giving each other blankets and corn instead of razor blade filled apples and bullets and stuff. I heard that,s what some people do! Isn,t that terrible?! Ugh. Makes me super sad about people and stuff. Call me a wussy or whatever but I care about people,s feelings. I get sad about puppies and cute things getting hurt. Thats why I don,t eat meat anymore except Panda Express orange chicken, bacon, fish, chicken Mcnuggets from McDonalds, falafel, my mom,s pork chops, and pepperoni pizza (so yummy!). So I,m helping cute little baby animals not get hurt. And I recycle and stuff. It makes me sad to see people waste stuff. There are people out there who have to live in really small apartments and their parents are divorced and the have to take the bus and stuff. I don,t know, it just makes me sad.

All you have fun tonight. And be safe! Don,t drink and drive. My dad has two DUIs already and it,s really stressful when he gets drunk. Thats a whole other thing though. So be safe, have fun, and look for me tonight! I,ll be partying. Until then I,m going to go swimming, we just finished our indoor pool. Our other one is way too cold this time of year, it,s heated but I like to swim in really warm water.

Love,

Colonel Sargent Camouflage Stately Leader


But seriously, if you look up 'bottle of pills' on google image search the first page has a picture of Heath Ledger.

Are You Textually Active?

Hey all you hella cute Beasts of Burden out there, I just thought I would let you know a little bit about my political views or whatever. I know it,s hella boring but bear with me. I don,t typically vote but I figured this election was kind of important or something. So I just finished filling out my absentee ballot. I think I was supposed to vote for some guy named Barack Osama Sadam Hussein Bin Ladin Obama or else people are going to call me a racist. I voted for this rad old guy named McCain. He,s got this babe girlfriend named Sarah or something. Oh well, I think I made the right decision. Oh, and then I voted to put animals in even smaller cages than they are currently in. I think their cages are going to be so small that their heads and wings and legs poke out through the bars like they do in cartoons. That should be cute. Hella cute.


Max Tundra - Parallax Error Beheads You

Love,

6 Members of the Adams Family

Oh So Hot Pants

I can,t believe I,ve waited this long to bring this up. A while ago, when I was heavily into the dating scene and drugs and working out I had some pretty bad experiences. I won,t go into the deets (thats short for details, doi) but I will tell you my life is still a mess because of some bad choices I made over and over again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, Beast of Burden. Fool me three times and I am now paying thousands of dollars a month just to function semi-normally. I guess that is what a sweet, sensuous cocktail of promiscuity, cheap drugs, and bovine growth hormones will get you. All I,m trying to say is that I have learned a lesson that I hope nobody else will have to learn. Taking the time to (alliteration) read this little pamphlet may save your life. I wish I had seen it before it was too late.



Worker Bee - EP

My heart goes out to those I,ve wronged. My heart goes into the hospital quite often because of those that have wronged me.









Love,

Senator Terry Schiavo

Rotator Cuff

My friend got his bike stolen on his birthday. He got the bike for his birthday too, so it was double bad (like when the ice melts and then it,s like second drink). He had a bike before that though. It was brown and small and sung folk-punk songs about justice and equlity and the man and coffee and stuff. He left his folk-punk bike in this Beast of Burden,s kitchen and the it got trashed, everybody was mad about it.

We are now accepting donations to get my friend a new bike. Minimum donations start at 85 dollars. When you donate you get a free hand crafted, blurry tattoo of your favorite political symbol. Just to let you know, the house specialty is that sigg A with a circle around it, or a heart, or a smiley face. All great options in my opinion.

We were walking ((alliteration) oh, I should have said with) and we (alliteration) saw this goon, gooning around on his specialty goon bike that he said cost 4000 dollars. We did,t have any intention of taking his picture but he kept pulling his weiner out and treating it like a lassoe. Unfortunately, by the time we put our weiners away and pulled out the camera his weiner had retracted and he was just riding his ketchup and mustard goon bike. Boring. Fortunately, he handed us a brochure (or pamphlet, I don,t remember) about his upcoming art show. He creates almost all of his art by slathering his lassoe ween with ketchup and mustard and rubbing on canvas. It looked kind of ok.



Andy Dixon - The Mice of Mt. Career

Yours truely,

Dr. Ownership Regions Manipulation Officer Tendril Ph.D

Eagle Wing

Today was fine until my nose got stuvved ubb. Idd suggz. I guess Bline Zogazine is a real bummer. The other day some Beast of Burden told me that reading Bline totally wrecked his afternoon. He was checking out a sigg lingk (probably the one about being TOTAL DORKS) and his ipod quit working. Keep in mind he did leave it outside the night before and it rained quite a bit but he swears it is our fault. Apparently it earased all of his M. Night Shallyman movies and his live Lisa Loeb bootlegs. He paid top dollar on ebay for those I guess.

Needless to say he is pretty upset. He called me a bunch of weird names and made me buy him dinner. It was alright I guess. We went to this gross delicious place and got some cheap sandwiches. The Frenched Fries were pretty great. He almost got a small orange juice but we all know what that means. The large was an expectedly small amount. Whatever though, it,s just juice. We talked about what we want to be for Halloween and how good it feels to break edge and to break veg and to break an edge-uh-skedge. Does anybody even know when that voting thing is anyway?





John Cage - Indeterminacy






Love,

Mother Potato

Rohnert Park, California

I really miss being in Spain. We had such a good time there. The girls were just so hot and wet. You know? Yeah right. We always sat on the veranda and drank French drinks and spoke Spanish and complained. I wish I was still there with my real friends and our free wifi and cheap rent and freedom and health and lots of money. We would always sit on the roof and drink European drinks and speak European to each other and complain in European.

Last night we walked around the scape of the city taking advantage of people. We saw the cops beating up Blobby and taking him to jail. Funny enough, it was the same cop mentioned in the first digital Bline Zogazine article. I,m pretty sure they busted, or should I say, blasted out one of Blobby,s eyes with their stabbing sticks. It was mezzed ubb. I guess he beat up some 14 year old girl and stole some crack cocaine from her. I know it was bad on his part but she was dressed so sluttily that she was sort of asking for it.
The Cribs - The Cribs

We also saw this cool motorcycle and these cool Beasts of Burden walking around trying to blow up the twin towers. They kept saying they were looking for something explosive so they could fly to New York (but they kept spelling it New Yourk, we were texting each other) and put it on ground zero and blow it up more. What a bunch or jerks. I bet they,re going to vote for Barack Osama Saddam Hussein Bin Laden Obama. Then they molested some bread thieves.
Nôze - How to Dance
Password = djtrian.blogspot.com

Love,
David Spokecard

Kill Kanye

So, congradulations to all my super-tight rebels who brought back those fly Ray Bans from the 80,s and 90,s. I must admit that I look particularly debonair as I cruise down the street on my razor style scooter. I just love how the oversized shades keep the wind out of my eyes as I blast around downtown looking for hella hot indie girls to come and listen to Smiths records with me. That way when I pull up alongside them as they gaggle amongst themselves my eyes don,t look all puffy like I've been ripping an abnormal amount of hoogah blasts.

I also appreciate the fact that their unisex styling allows me to tell the hip girls from the skeezes just by matching my glasses to theirs. As an added bonus, I just realized that Ray Bans and the poser Ray Bans have become so hip and popular that I and all you Beasts of Burden can now pick up a new pair in a variety of totally siqqqqq neon colours at the Sahg Stade Boogsdore.

Secret Mommy - Hawaii 5.0 EP
I,m so excited that people with crappy vision can even look as good as me by puting prescription lenses in them. It,s such a suckfest that I have 20/21 vision because I can,t get my insurance company to pay for a set of frames and clear, non-prescription lenses. Total crap. I,ve started staring at the sun reflecting off my toaster in the window in the hopes that my vision will become blurred.

Well, I better get out of here because I heard there,s a new art show opening up at the Crocker. I love that place.

Much love,

The Grand Editor-inside-of-Indian-Chief-Sitting-Bull Intern-for-Life

Mythbusters

Hi, I just wanted to come on here and like, share something about myself that most of my friends don,t even know. I just want to introduce myself and stuff. Hopefully this isn,t too boring or dumb or something! :P

I really like that show The Office. But what about the new season though? It could go either way. But I want everybody to know that I,m taking it really seriously. You know I heard it really is a documentary, well at least some parts. Like Jim and Pam really are engaged now. And Dwight really does own and live on a beet farm. How weird! LOL! I think Jim and Pam are so cute together. I can,t wait for their spin-off to start. I read about it yesterday at this website. I love that site! It,s going to be called "Jim and Pam Kissing" LOL that is so awesome!


Matmos - Supreme Balloon

But seriously, I really like that show. It like, is so like, real and stuff. I don,t know, it just reminds me of how my freinds and I would be if we worked in an office, we,re TOTAL DORKS! Anways, I,ve got to go to school. LAME!!!1 But I,ll be back on here to write to you soon you little Beasts of Burden.

Luv Ya,
Kisses,
Smooches,
Tickles,

Grand Owl Harem Offical

OMG I almost forgot about this! It,s like the cutest thing ever!

Zogging a Bline, an Important First Step

This is exactly what you thought. Bline Zogazine, a hybrid, super-sexual, electronic, analog, gender-bending, trash eating, machine created for consumption by sumptuous Beasts of Burden like yourself. We here, in the office, think you,re magnificent. We,re working on it. Have you ever heard of figgzed gearz? Have you ever heard of trying to look like you don,t try? We,re working on you. I, personally, think of you as both bold and italic. You amaze me every single day.

You know that one song The Dream did that I like? Here it is.

Right next to me, he,s working on the other part, right next to me he is. We,re doing it better than other hip kids. It,s not hip to know you,re a hipster. We know better. He really is using a 1950s era styled typing writer. When he writes, it sounds like this one cop rushing onto a highschool playground because there is a huge gang fight. But the cop is scared so he just starts shooting. And he shoots this girl that got stabbed in the throat by one of the other gang,s guys. And all the girls around her are puking because it,s so messed up to see something like that when you,re in tenth grade. But this cop just keeps shooting the stabbed-in-the-throat-girl and her puking friends because he thinks they,re bent over grabbing weapons (they,re just bent over because it hurts to puke so much in one day). So the cop grabs the stabbed girl and is dragging her to his car to take her to jail, but she,s super dead so she can,t walk or anything. He just keeps yelling, "Quit resisting!" Her friends that were puking keep yelling back, "She,s already dead, she,s not resisting." That cop is just shooting her in the head over and over and it,s in slow motion and he keeps shooting that same spot on the top of her head and her friends are still screaming and puking and crying. That cop won,t stop shooting though. And that is exactly what it sounds like when he,s typing.

This could be the start of a super-sexual relationship. Fingers crossed.

Love,

Supreme Working Author C.E.O. Curator Captain Owner