Sideways Computer

I wish I was still growing. Then I could compare my height at the beginning of every year and that would give me something to do on Wednesday. I don,t have any beginning of the year traditions. I don,t really have any traditions. I need more traditions. That will be my New Year,s resolution. That is completely untrue. New Year,s resolutions are for suckers who can,t get stuff done without a contractual agreement.

I just got back from a job interview. I went to a gigantic building and met with a few terrifically miserable people. The interview was supposed to take three hours, but I think I was there for about thirty-five minutes. There were three candidates - myself, a fat, pretty girl, and a tall nerd with a long tie. I was the coolest. The girl was the prettiest and fattest. The tall nerd was the least cool. He probably got the job.

The first part of the interview process was an online test. I started on that part first. I had to look at a screen and answer boring questions about codes. I wasn,t paying very much attention to the test because I decided a few days ago that I wasn,t going to take the job even if they offered it to me. I was much more interested in the beasts of burden that were surrounding me.

Jai Paul - Jai Paul There was a sweaty woman next to me who was on the phone with somebody and getting very annoyed. Her words were incredibly practiced. It,s like she wasn,t even speaking. Her mouth would open and a fax would come out. The person on the other end of the line was obviously being a jerk. If I were to work there, I would have her job. It was her first call of the day and she was dealing with a jerk. I already hated everything.

Then, a few minutes later, the lady to my left started complaining about her desk and how she wanted to move ,,like now.,, She was probably forty years old and she was so upset about a seat. I would have to work with her and seventy other ladies just like her if I got that job. I would not have been able to stand being surrounded by that many miserable people all the time.

At least at my job I get to sit alone almost all the time. I don,t make very much money, but I don,t work with people who complain about nothing all day because I work alone. I only have to deal with a terrible customer every so often. I don,t have to deal with terrible coworkers. I guess that,s what I learned today. I am never going to get a grownup job.

Changing Your Clothes

Last night I got to almost complete one of my life goals. I don,t have very many life goals and the ones that I do still have are very lackluster, but I don,t care because boring stuff excites me to no end. While I was working yesterday, a weirdo came in smoking a cigarette and drink an ice cold beverage. I told him that he had to go outside if he was smoking and then he yanked a phone out of the wall and left. I didn,t care that much about the phone because I never use it, but he knocked over some stuff that I had to clean up and he left his lit cigarette inside so it smelled bad in here all night. That annoyed me. I mean, I threw the cigarette away outside, but it still smelled bad.

Right after he stole the phone and left, I heard a lady screaming outside. I went out there to tell her to use her inside voice and saw that the weirdo was in her car, trying to steal it as hard as he could. Luckily, he was too stupid and weird to do it. I pretended that I was tough and yelled at him to get out of the car and he did. I don,t want to say that I,m a hero or anything, but I completely saved everybody,s life.

He clumsily limped down the street as I talked to the shaky lady for a minute. She was pretty freaked out, but not that much because she got back in her car and drove away without calling the police. I called the police for her and told them what happened. They didn,t care that much. Some scrawny cop came and talked to me for a second a little while later and didn,t do anything. He left and I thought that was the end of it.

Hours later, a less scrawny cop called me and asked me about what happened and then said that he wanted to come hang out with me because he thought that I seemed like a cool guy. ,,I am a cool guy,,, I said. ,,You won,t be disappointed.,,

He came and hung out for a little while and I regaled him with my tales, but I think he was a little disappointed. He had that look in his eye like he thought I would be taller in real life or something. I didn,t care, though. I was just glad that there was a person in the world who was willing to listen to me talk nonsense for once. He left and told me that his friend was going to come hang out with me later.

Vince Guaraldi Trio - A Charlie Brown Christmas This is when I almost achieved one of my life goals. The less scrawny cop,s friend came by a few hours later. He was serious. He looked like a cartoon cop. His head was a rectangle and he never smiled and he looked like he only dated blonde girls who weighed under one hundred pounds and he was bad at math and hadn,t read a book is nine years and he loved running. He and I sat down and had a frank, solemn discussion. He showed me pictures of weird guys and I got to say which one was the weirdo that I had met earlier that day. It has always been my goal to identify somebody in a police lineup. I mainly just want to stand behind a two-way mirror and point at somebody, but this was the next best thing.

I had to look at six weirdies and decide which one was the weirdest. It was kind of tough because they all sort of looked alike and I mostly remembered the guy,s clothes, but he wasn,t wearing the same clothes in his picture. I had to trust my guy and my gut was saying that it was the guy with the weird eyes and pointy head. I think I picked the right one. I mean, I don,t think it matters because they already caught him and brought back the phone and everything, but I just want all of those boring cops to think that I,m good at remembering.

It wasn,t exactly how I dreamed it would be, but I am probably going to die soon so I will certainly take what I can get. Maybe I,ll just buy my own two-way mirror and replace my front door with it and point at people all I want.

It Is All Open

I just got back from a place that was covered in lizards. There were lizards everywhere. I couldn,t tell you how many lizards I saw. It must have been in the hundreds or thousands. It was unbelievable. I can,t believe I hit my lizard quota at such a young age. I don,t have to see another lizard as long as I live and I,ll still get into heaven.

It was really hot where all of the lizards were. They were pointy, fast lizards and they did not like nonsense. I ended up staying there longer than I was supposed to. The entire country froze except for the place with all of the lizards which meant that none of the plane drivers, or ,,pilots,, as they call themselves, wanted to take me back home. It was cool, though. That just meant that I got to see more lizards.

Sam Amidon - All Is Well I also got to drink a lot of orange juice and eat a ton of food and I barely paid for any of it. That,s my kind of deal. I went to three restaurants and ate delicious food every day and I didn,t even spend all of the money in my wallet. Also, I saw a dead horseshoe crab and I,ve never seen one of those before.

Right before I saw the dead horse fish, I saw a sweaty, sunburned fat guy catch a thing that looked like a catfish and a shark mixed together. It was gross, but so was he so it was like they were meant for each other. I watched him kill that monster and I think I saw a part of his soul die as well. It was an intense few minutes. There were snails and lizards everywhere.

Very Close To Something

My belt broke the other day, but I,m still using it. It,s only partially broke. I think it will be completely unusable soon, though. I like this belt. I got it as a replacement for a belt that I had before this one. I liked that one even more. I got both of the belts from thrift stores. The broken one that I,m wearing right now isn,t as good as the first one, but it,s the same kind. It,s the same type.

I tried to look up what kind of belt it was so I could get another one, but I couldn,t figure it out at first. It,s not just a leather belt or a woven belt or a Boy Scout belt or anything like that. It,s weird. It,s like a canvass strap that has parts of a belt attached at either end. After trying to describe it to Google, I found out the name of this kind of belt and I couldn,t believe it. I still don,t know how to say it. I,ve never heard or seen this ,,word,, before.

Hood - Cold House It,s a surcingle belt. It might be said like ,,sir single,, but that,s stupid. I hope it,s ,,sir kingley.,, That,s so much better. I can,t wait to a into a belt store and demand a sir kingley belt and get thrown out. I,m going to name my first born Sir Kingley. I,m going to get them knighted. I,m going to get in trouble for naming my kid something insane.