One Of The First Days Of Wintear

My work had a party the other night. I went to it. That was weird. The party itself wasn,t weird, but it as very weird that I went to it. People kept saying, ,,Whoa, you showed up,,, when they,d see me. I don,t even know anybody I work with, but they somehow all knew that I am not the type of nerd who goes to office holiday parties.

Everything was free there, but the things they had available were not that good. I ate almost ten grapes. That was the best food. I also had a quarter of a sandwich. It was the most embarrassing sandwich I have ever eaten. It was a broccolini sandwich. It was soggy, green florets with some sort of unimpressive sauce on a very mushy Kaiser roll.

There were several other foods that I didn,t eat. There were shot glasses full of cold chili. There were piles of wet salad. There were sandwiches filled with pureed cat food. There were cubes with toothpicks in them. The lights were very dim in an attempt to minimize how gross everything looked. The water was good, though. I had a whole glass of it before sneaking out and leaving without saying goodbye to anybody.

Toro Y Moi - My Touch Now I,m sick. I don,t blame the party, though. I started being sick a few hours before that. I think I was sick last Christmas. Let me check. I bet if I was, I would have written about it on here because that,s what I use this for - a chronological log of my ailments.

Maybe I wasn,t sick. I don,t see any mention of it last December. I,ll definitely get to make up for it this year. My throat feels like I pulled a muscle in it somehow. It is a very weird pain. Swallowing takes a lot of effort. Luckily, this is the time of year when people make a ton of food and if you don,t eat it, you,re rude and they hate you. Also, I am going to be on a plane for thirty hours tomorrow. I hope the diarrhea kicks in when I,m way up high. ,Tis the season.

An Awful Lot

I just found out that ,,Christmastime,, is a real word. That seems weird, but I,m alright with it because Christmas is cool and so is the time when it exists. It,s a good time because the weather is usually good. There was supposed to be a terrible storm here this week, but that didn,t happen. It just rained for two days. Everybody was saying that it was going to be a massacre. There were even people holding candlelight vigils on the side of the highway preemptively.  They were preparing for those whose lives the storm would claim. Those fools.

Nobody died. That,s probably not true. I bet at least one person died during those two days, but it probably was from something completely unrelated to rain. I bet somebody died from being really old. That happens pretty regularly. That,s what this holiday season is about - honoring your fallen elders. They fought for your right to unwrap presents early in the morning.

Oceaán - Oceaán EP I,m going to be very far away from home on Christmas. That,ll be weird, but not that weird. It,ll only be a little weird. The weirdest part is that I will be somewhere really hot. I,m not looking forward to that. I,m also not looking forward to having to abandon my newly formed Christmas tradition of sitting alone in my apartment all day and watching a movie that is so sad that my shirt becomes encrusted with the salt of one hundred tears. I don,t like abandoning fun traditions like that.

I recently learned about bags. I have always wrapped presents the normal way - making sure that I only buy perfectly rectangular gifts and covering them in brightly colored paper. This year has been different, though. I realized that you can put things in bags made out of brightly colored paper and people will still think that you wrapped their gift. It,s completely socially acceptable. I can,t believe I have been missing out on this lazy man,s dream for so long. I will put everything in a bag from now on.

Doing It Wrong

I spent this weekend recording a weird song with my Death Cab For Cutie cover band. Obviously, it was a cover. It was so nice to record a song that we didn,t write. We were so relaxed about everything. We didn,t care about how badly we were playing. Usually, when we are recording our own songs, we get bummed because we can,t play them the way we should be able to. It makes us sad. With this one though, it didn,t matter at all. We weren,t able to play it well and none of cared. That,s the dream - not caring.

We worked on it all day Saturday. We had the television on the whole time with the Kardashian show playing. I know that there is a show called ,,Keeping Up With The Kardashians,, but I don,t think that was it. They were all locked on a beautiful, cold island or something. I couldn,t really tell. I have never seen the show before and the sound was off so I had to do a lot of guesswork, but I enjoyed the show a lot.

Lorenz Rhode - Shake It My dumb keyboard broke today. That was annoying. It still works fine, but there is a little rectangle that shows you numbers that mean important things and now it is constantly changing numbers really rapidly. I think it,s haunted. I hope it,s not because I clearly remember the guy saying that the warranty didn,t cover anything spiritual. Maybe it,s a sign that I should stop playing music. I,m going to assume that,s what it is.

Soothing

A guy said that he was going to sue me yesterday. Is suing the same thing as a lawsuit? He said that he was going to lawsuit me. He was mad because I wouldn,t give him a refund for the dumb stuff he bought. It,s not my fault you bought dumb stuff, dude. Maybe you should stop being into stuff that sucks and then you won,t want to return it later. Also, learn to read.

He called my work and asked for a refund for the stupid stuff he bought and when I told him that he couldn,t have one, his voice got really low and he tried to act really serious and said something like, ,,I just think you should know, I have already successfully brought about a ten million dollar federal lawsuit before and I will not hesitate to do it again.,, I had to hold it together and not scream-laugh in his ugly ear because everything I do on the phone gets recorded, but I wanted to. He then told me about how I was going to get fired and that he was going to garner my wages. He had it all figured out. 

Earn - Hell On Earth

Obviously, he was out of his mind and probably really ugly and covered in crumbs. I didn,t hear any crumbs when I was on the phone with him, but you can sometimes tell how many crumbs a person has on their body by the weird stuff they say and how they say it. I,m guessing that he had a lot of crumbs on himself that he didn,t even know about. Those crumbs had been there for days. You never think to check the back of your neck for crumbs, but sometimes they,re there. That,s where his crumbs were. They were from a hot dog bun. 

Taking A Shower

Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I celebrated by washing my smelly clothes and watching a movie I didn,t like. I also had diarrhea and took a nap. I did those two things separately. It was a pretty good holiday. I didn,t poop the bed.

I have had diarrhea pretty steadily for the past week or so. I,m not sick or anything. I have just had a crazy diet recently. I haven,t really been eating anything other than mandarins and bread. I have a gnarly cut in my mouth so eating anything hurts, but mandarins and bread are delicious enough for me to fight through the pain. My poop make it look like I have been eating nothing but lizard skins.

Mirror To Mirror - Here You Leave Today That ugly cop didn,t get in trouble for killing the kid. That was a bummer. Maybe he,ll get HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. That will be his punishment. That would only be a good punishment if he wasn,t allowed to take medicine. That is a very specific, weird punishment, but that,s what he gets for not having to go to prison.

I had to go to the store last night to get laundry detergent and apparently Black Friday now begins Thursday evening and every single person in the store had at least one gigantic television in their shopping cart. It was very bizarre. I felt like I was going to get in trouble for not buying one. I didn,t get in trouble though. They didn,t care about me at all.

New Shoes

It,s finally the best time of year. Mandarin season started the other day and it is cold enough for me to use my space heater. Those are the only two things I care about this world, but strangely, combining the two isn,t great. Hot mandarins taste like deer pee. A lot of things taste like deer pee.

I have been eating a ton of eggs lately and it,s making my farts smell like the inside of a coffin. I would hate to buried alive for that reason more than any other. I would be forced to lie uncomfortably in a very small, completely enclosed space while I fart myself to death. That is the ultimate torture. My farts are a weapon unparalleled.

1958-2009 - 1958-2009 LP But enough about me. I think my Death Cab For Cutie cover band will be a real band soon. We,re shortening the band name to just Death Cab For Cutie. I think it will help us with getting press. A date has been tentatively set for the release of the forty minutes of wet trash that we recorded earlier this year so that,s nice. I guess having a record out will be cool, but it won,t be that cool when the people who put it out get mad at us when nobody buys it. Whatever. That,s their fault for believing in us.

My left ear has been kind of clogged or something for a long time. I don,t know what to do about it. That,s not true. The thing to do is go to the doctor. What I meant to say is that I don,t know what I,m going to do about it. I definitely can,t afford going to a doctor. Maybe I,ll just sharpen a chopstick and set it in my ear and then fall over and land on it with the full weight of my body and hope for the best. That,s what the ancients used to do.

Not One Bit

Whoops. I try to write four of these dumb things each month, but I guess I only wrote three last month. I will go ahead and blame that on being busy, but it,s not really true. I,ve only been busy this week and this week has been in this month, not last month, so I have no excuse. I,m just lazy and forgetful and my life is so uneventful and uninteresting that it,s really, really hard to think of trash to write about on here four times each month.

I was supposed to write about Halloween after it happened, but that would have been this month anyway since Halloween only lasts for the very last second of October. During that last second of October, I went to a terrible bar filled with terrible people who looked terrible. They were covered in dirt and fake hair and there were so many of them. I went there with friends and they all got up at the same time to go do whatever people who go to bars like to do and I was left sitting by myself at a table in an incredibly crowded bar on Halloween. That,s when one of my coworkers came in and noticed me.

Color Dream - Darkslide On The Moon He approached me and asked me what I was looking at. I guess I was staring longingly at a dark corner where extra tables were stacked. I told him that I didn,t know what I was looking at. He looked kind of sad and concerned for a second and then he asked me if I was there by myself. I could tell by his tone that he was worried about me. He was worried about me in the way that anybody who saw somebody sitting by themselves at a table in a crowded bar on Halloween would be worried. He was worried about what terrible things I must have been plotting. He was worried about what I would do to myself once I got home.

I wasn,t wearing a costume. I was just sitting there - silent, without a drink, without any food, without any company. I was sitting and staring at a stack of extra tables in the corner of the bar. The tables were small and circular. One was standing normally and another was upside down on top of it. This meant that the bottom of the table on top was visible for all to see. It was covered in gum. There were so many pieces of chewed gum stuck to it. I have only ever seen more chewed gum in one place one other time. It was by the ocean.

New Show

I have eaten so much soup in the last few days. I,ve had it for every meal. My turds are liquid. My pee is liquid too. I,ve been sick this week so I,ve been filling my body with liquids. That,s the worst part about being sick - having to drink a ton of water and pee all the time. I have always heard that you,re supposed to drown your sickness with water so I always drink a lot when I,m sick. I don,t know if it makes me feel any better, but it makes me feel more annoyed because I have to pee every eight minutes.

Somebody stole my bike the other day. That was annoying. Luckily, the weather finally got nice so it means that I won,t be riding my bike for several months. I like to enjoy the nice, cool weather from the comforts of my car. I don,t like feeling the weather on my face. I want to know what it looks like, but have to imagine what it would feel like to be in it. I,m a modern man, not a heathen. 

Bing & Ruth - Tomorrow Was The Golden Age

I think I,m almost done being sick so I,ve stopped drinking so much water. Hopefully it,s not the eye of the storm. I,m much too much of a weak baby to put up with any more sniffling. I hate the sound of people sniffling and when I have to do it myself it,s a million times louder because my nose is only two inches away from my ears. Each wet sniff sounds like a shotgun blast. Each throatful of mucus that I swallow sounds like a family of hogs being thrown into a breaking wood chipper. My body is an orchestra of horrible sounds. 

Back Pain

What is up with me going to shows all of the sudden? I don,t like it. I don,t like being at shows and I don,t like paying for them or driving to them or staying up super late. I don,t what what my problem is, but I definitely have one.

I went to a show the other night in a giant, palatial building that was filled with middle aged white guys who wore ugly hats. I had been to the building before, but it was very different this time. Instead of being a big, pretty, open room, it was filled with tables and chairs. Everybody was sitting down and eating thirty dollar steak dinners with garlic French fries and eleven dollar drinks. It was so bizarre and great.

Warthog - Prison EP I didn,t get pushed or bumped into or yelled at all night. I loved it. Everybody was so old and rich. They were so old and rich that I was the only person who stood up and moved to the front when the good band started playing. It clearly bummed the band that only one person was within twenty feet of them so after the first song, they said that it was alright if people wanted to move closer. Most of the millionaires scoffed, but a handful of people wiped the onion gravy from their jowls and stepped forward. They didn,t stay standing, though. They lowered their great, heavy bodies to the floor and tried as hard as they could not to fall asleep in the dark, warm room.

It was pretty much a perfect audience. They were quiet and there was only one weirdo doing strange uncle dances. He sucked and so did the lady who sat next to me when I first arrived who wouldn,t stop talking to her friends about her kids, Zephyr and Indigo. I feel so bad for those kids, but I feel even worse for me because I had to hear her talk about them. Everybody else was alright. I can always appreciate a group of wealthy white people who love shoveling beef into their failing bodies.

Too Full

I went to a big, gross music festival the other day. It was big and gross. There were four inches of finely powdered dirt all over the ground which was immediately kicked up into a swirling hurricane of allergies and brown snot. It was not a great place to be. The only reason I was there was because my work offered me free passes and I instinctively said I wanted them because I like free things that are worth a lot of money even if I don,t like the actual things.

The worst part, other than the subpar performances and having my lungs filled with filthy dirt was that one hundred percent of the festival goers were the exact type of people who made fun of me in high school. I was surrounded by brightly colored tank tops, backwards hats, bulging muscles, really bad facial hair, and an overwhelming stink that was a perfect mixture of caramel corn and old weed. It was like if a high schooler hot boxed one of those carts in the mall that sells flavored corns. It was awful.

Sam Amidon - Lily-O Both of the bands I watched the first night were not very good live. One of them was whatever and the other was bad. The bad one sounded fine, but the people in it were so ugly. One of them looked like a young Matt Dillon and the other looked like greasy Matt Jones. I didn,t know who Matt Jones was until I watched them play and was immediately reminded of some weird looking actor I had seen before. That,s Matt Jones, claim to fame - I thought of him when I saw a weird looking guy.

I went back for a little while the next day and it was so hot that I looked like I had peed my butt within ten minutes of getting there. My entire shirt was soaked with my disgusting body juices and my butt looked like I had sat in a deep, terrible puddle. That was the highlight. 

Never Doing It

My Death Cab For Cutie cover band played a show the other night in a house. We,ve done that plenty of times, but this time was special because not only did it have a cat living there, but it had three cats living there. Also, somebody was boiling a pot of water the entire time so it was nice and extremely humid and warm in there. The place was pretty clean, but it was completely disgusting because it was so hot and so allergenic.

I played really badly because my hands were so sweaty that my fingers were slipping around and hitting wrong buttons. That has never happened before. Also, some terrible goon that looked like he puts drugs in girls, drinks unplugged the microphone for a long time and then yelled at me about it. Whatever, dude. You,re the guy wearing the headband, not me. It was a strange night.

Aphex Twin - Syro I,m at work right now. I,m working a lot for the next two weeks. I,m covering for somebody, but it,s weird. I,m covering for her, but she works for a completely different company than the one I work for. That means that I got two hours of training to do this job and I,m sitting in a weird room surrounded by nerds. Being surrounded by nerds is kind of nice. I don,t feel as conspicuous as I normally do. These are my people, except they talk about computers and football. They,re all dorks, though. That,s nice.

The amount of work I have to do here is out of control. It is almost nothing. I have been here for five hours and I have had to answer the phone once. I,ve written a handful of sloppy emails and spent the rest of the time rubbing my eye because it,s been twitching nonstop for five days. It,s driving me nuts. I hope it,s not symptomatic of a larger issue. Maybe I have pinkeye that is so intense that it starts with long-lasting tremors.

Sweating With No Underwear On

My job is so cool. Today was wild. It was very normal for most of the morning until everything started smelling terrible all of the sudden. All was quiet for a bit and nobody was saying anything to each other and an overwhelming wave of sour, penetrating stink rolled it. We sat in its murky depths for maybe thirty seconds until one of the dudes I work with quietly asked, ,,Did one of you guys fart?,,

It was great because we were all thinking it. We all wanted to know who to congratulate for their otherworldly aroma. We wanted to find the culprit and give them the accolades that they deserved. Strangely though, the source of the stench was not any of our innards. What,s strange about that is that our office is pretty separate from everybody else. How could such a foul turd gust have made its way into our little home?

Somebody suggested that maybe it was the trash. I thought that somebody had snuck a baby into work and that it exploded with diarrhea. It was about that time that other people in the building started walking by us covering their faces. It was infecting everybody. We were all dead in a matter of minutes.

Holly Herndon - Chrous I still don,t know exactly what caused such a seismic shift in odor, but everybody in the building got hit with it. It lingered for about twenty minutes and then it was gone. All of the windows were opened and scented candles were distributed to those in need.

The most agreed upon rumor was that it just a standard dump that somebody had taken in one of the bathrooms. It was flushed and everything, but its long-lasting memory crawled out from the porcelain grave and grabbed everybody by the throats. I hope that,s what happened. I hope a single person, a tiny woman perhaps, emptied her bowels and expelled something so potently horrible that it upset an entire company. And people say that there are no real superheroes.

Suggesting

This week was the first time I have had to work by myself at all. It,s been nice. I,m alone for the first two hours. I am completely alone. Nobody else is in the building. It,s wild. I can,t believe they trust me. I,m glad they do, though. It gives me a chance to fart and listen to whatever weird music I want. I just have to be sure not to fart within twenty minutes of when the other dudes arrive in case it,s an especially permeating, lingering stink.

Now that my Death Cab For Cutie cover band is done with our dumb album, we have to figure out what to do with it. My first choice is to trash it and never let anybody hear it, but the other guys aren,t into that because they „spent tons of money on it„ and „worked really hard.„ Whatever, dudes. That,s not my problem. You should have done what I did and not put any effort into it.

Shintaro Sakamoto - Let,s Dance Raw It,s pretty weird trying to convince people or companies or whatever to pay a ton of money to have the annoying music you made put on a small or large disc. It,s even weirder to try to convince people to do that and have them not immediately tell you to shut up and get out of their face. I can,t believe there are people in this great big, beautiful, smelly world who are wacky enough to even consider doing that. Fools. Don,t they realize that they,re all just Death Cab For Cutie covers?

Nothing has happened with it yet. There is no guarantee that anything will ever happen with this obnoxious recording of ours so maybe my dream will come true and we,ll get to drag these files to the garbage can, or „Poop Bowl„ as it,s labeled on my desktop, and they,ll disappear forever. More bands should do that. Write and record songs and make sure that nobody ever hears the messes they,ve made.

Goo

I have been treating myself so poorly lately. I ran out of food stamps a few weeks ago and they just refilled this morning so I didn,t have any real food in my home for a little while. I didn,t even have the proper condiments to make the things that I did have (rice) taste good (soy sauce). It was a rough few days. I was living on cold water and long naps.

I just got back from the grocery store and I went wild. I spent one hundred dollars. It was great. The best part is that I still feel like I don,t have any food. My refrigerator is somehow still very empty. I guess that means that I only buy dry food, but it,s still a bummer to have spent over half of my monthly food allotment and open the fridge to find a piece of broccoli and some tortillas.

Aphex Twin - Come To Daddy Instead of eating, I have been watching a cooking show that I used to watch when I was a kid. It,s about this ridiculous, ugly British guy who loves sliding down banisters and having really wet lips. He,s gross and really loud and he,s always throwing stuff around so I should definitely hate him. I don,t though. I,m not sure what it is about him that makes me not want to die, but he has that indefinable quality. He is a shining example.

I think my Death Cab For Cutie cover band finally finished our dumb record yesterday. We haven,t really been working on it for the past month or so. It,s just been our friend who recorded it sending me mixes and me telling him, ,, No dude, this isn,t good enough. You need to make it sound like we know how to play our instruments and write songs. Try again. Try harder.,, He came through in the end, though. I,m guessing that he just rewrote and rerecorded the entire thing, but as long as we get the credit for it, I,m happy.

No Tomatoes

This month is almost over. That,s good. I am not usually one to want time to go by faster, and that is not what I am really saying about dumb August, but it,ll be nice to out of it and into September because August is usually the hottest time of the year and September is usually not the hottest time of the year. Also, there is some cool stuff happening next month that isn,t happening this month so that,s nice too.

I don,t know what has been going on, but I have been hurting myself really badly in my sleep lately. For a really long time, I would bite my tongue and cheeks in my sleep and that was terrible. Luckily, I stopped doing that about six months ago. Not luckily, that activity has recently been replaced with me hurting my back and/or neck in my sleep. I have no idea how I do it. I haven,t been sleeping in any unusual positions, but a few times in the past month, I have woken up in unyielding pain. I woke up this morning gasping for air because my neck hurt so badly. It still hurts. I,m going to die.

A. G. Cook - Nu Jack Swung I went to a job interview the other day in a windowless box. It was so bleak. Everybody there was wearing pajamas and looked like they had only eat ham for the past two years. The guy who interviewed me chewed on a toothpick the whole time and his smudged, ugly throat tattoos looked cryptically racist. It was a very standard job interview experience.

Going to job interviews reminds me of look for apartments. It,s so lonely and it is an overwhelming let down almost one hundred percent of the time. You look at pictures of dirty, empty rooms on the internet in neighborhoods where you don,t want to live and the rent is way too high and the walls are painted cinder blocks and the stove only has one burner. The light in the pictures is cold and bluish-green. You can see two dead spiders in the bathtub.

I am so glad that I live in a rad, clean box and work in a nice, clean box. I am satisfied with my boxes and I am thankful. I am thankful that I don,t have to wear pajamas and eat ham every day as part of a job. I,m thankful that I have running water that isn,t brown.

Twice In One Day

My Death Cab For Cutie cover band played a show with another Death Cab For Cutie cover band last night. That was embarrassing. We covered all of the same songs. Luckily, nobody was there watching us so it wasn,t a big deal. There was nobody to notice how bad of a job we did. That was a nice bonus. It was just a really bad band practice that we got paid twelve dollars to do.

I still need to get a new television. Mine is still acting very racist even though I took it apart and pushed on some stuff like you,re supposed to do when something breaks. That,ll be a nice two hundred dollars to spend that I don,t have. Hopefully I,ll start making a little bit more money. I doubt it, but I always like to hope for ridiculous things.

Adult Jazz - Gist Is I got another ,,job.,, I,m still in the unpaid training process where I have to read stuff about grocery shopping that seems like it was written for fifth graders. The job is shopping for groceries for people and delivering it to their homes. I,m glad I have a bachelor,s degree. It,s all paying off big time.

Someday I,ll get a real job, but for now I,ll continue answering phones and talking to idiots and going to the store for people who are too lazy and rich to do it themselves. I haven,t even had to go to the store yet. I wonder how stupid this job is going to be. I told the interviewer that I love grocery shopping, but I don,t really. I,m going to quit the first day because I won,t be able to find the figs.

Hot Plastic

I think my television is broken. I have to run some more tests to be totally sure, but I think it,s broken for good. It still turns on and everything, but any dark colors turn into weird cubes. My TV is racist now and refuses to let anything that isn,t white show its full potential. I wish my things would stop breaking and/or being racist.

When I got back from my punishment trip, I found a bunch of mail piled on my front step. One mail was for me, but the big tube mail was definitely not for me. It,s addressed to my apartment, but not my name. It,s a very big tube so I can,t just throw it back in a mailbox and expect it to go away. I don,t know what to do with it. I already have more than enough tubes. I have too many tubes. I don,t want another.

Michael Cera - True That The best part about that trip I took last week was that I bought a shirt in a thrift store hundreds of miles away from my home that says, ,,Powell Family Reunion 2012,, and has a weird picture of some creature barbecuing meat for a smaller creature on it. It,s great. The picture reminds me of Ping Pong von Laserstein if he were into grilling meat.

Now that I,m back, I have to get a job. I mean, I don,t have to, but I should if I know what,s good for me and I do know what,s good for me because I,m smart. There is one job that is almost always available near me. I can get paid minimum wage to sit in a box with a bunch of morons and call other morons and ask their opinions about things. It sounds soul crushing, but it would mean that I wouldn,t have to waste my life savings on rent each month. I could also take longer showers and use the oven sometimes.

Still Thinking

I can,t believe how full I am. I am out of food right now and I,m out of food  stamps until tonight at midnight, but last night I took my last remaining morsels and baked a big pile of macaroni and cheese. It was good, but I didn,t have regular milk so I had to use soy milk which made it kind of sweet. That was weird, but I evened it out by putting a ton of that salt from Red Robin on there. I ate the leftovers for lunch today and I still feel like my innards are going to rupture.

I,m leaving for a little trip tomorrow. My Death Cab For Cutie cover band and I are going to drive around in the overwhelming heat and spend a bunch of money and play annoying music in empty rooms for a few days. We,re just trying to atone for our sins, you know? This will be a good punishment for our wrongdoings and then we,ll get to be horrible people for a few more months before doing it again to wipe our slates clean.

Hank Wood & The Hammerheads - Stay Home I have gotten into a really great napping schedule lately and I think this trip is going to totally throw it off. That will be my biggest punishment. I have worked so hard to get my napping into a comfortable groove. It takes a lot of effort to ruin your body,s natural sleeping patterns and mold your own. Now all of that will be lost. If that,s not the purest form of self-flagellation, I don,t know what is.

She Resembles You

Last night I went to a real punk show. It has been a very long time since I went to a punk show on purpose without having to play there myself. I now totally remember why I don,t do that anymore. The people there are awful. There is no demographic that makes me feel less comfortable than smelly, drunk, obnoxious kids wearing all black with spikes and weird jewelry.

I went to see one of the two good punk bands that currently exist and they were great. They were respectful. They played at a reasonable volume for a reasonable amount of time. They sounded good and they performed well. I couldn,t have asked for a better experience from them. The people watching them, however, were intolerably gross.

Nirvana - In Utero I know that,s to be expected at a punk show, but I thought maybe it would have calmed down a little bit since 1981. I was wrong. There were still goons throwing full beers at people, idiots jumping off of stuff onto my brain holder, and there was even an aging, bleached punk troll who spit on the singer of the good band on purpose. I had never been surrounded by more terrible cartoons in my entire life.

I got home at one thirty in the morning and immediately took a shower, but the memory of having somebody,s disgusting head of filthy hair repeatedly pushed up against my face will never leave me. I am absolutely not cut out for punk music or any kind of music really. As the late, wonderful Charles Ives once said, ,,I sort of hate all music.,,

It Happens Nightly

I went to the food stamp office yesterday. That wasn,t fun at all. I hadn,t been there in years. Luckily, this time was better than the last time I went there and didn,t get any free money, but it was still horrible. I guess I just don,t like being in any enclosed space where screaming children are the accepted norm. Nobody bothered to quiet their ugly kids because there was nobody setting a good example. The world needs more good examples.

I didn,t have to go to the food stamp office, I chose to. I have nobody to blame but myself. That,s what I get for being impatient and hungry. My stupid card still hadn,t come in the mail and I wasn,t about to buy food knowing that I could get it for free if I were to have that card, so I just went there and got it myself. I saw it as a form of atonement for all of the crazy free food I was about to get.

Being in that place is quite the experience. I never realized how many people have Oakland Raiders tattoos and how many of those people can,t stop shaking no matter how hard they may try. It was a giant, smelly, loud bummer. I also never realized how many poor people have iPhones. Maybe there is a social service program that provides homeless people with iPhones. I can totally get behind that. I love that idea.

Passion Pit - Manners After I got my card, I immediately drove to the store. I bought myself a bottle of water (something I almost never do because water should always be free) to make sure that my card worked. I felt such an intense surge of joy and refreshment as I drank my free, ice-cold beverage in the hot sun outside of the overcrowded supermarket.

As soon as I finished it, I went back in and filled a shopping cart to the absolute brim with the fanciest, most extraordinary items I could think of. I think I got five boxes of cereal. I got some fancy juice. I even got cookies so that I will have a sweet snack for any of my guests that happen to like that kind of trash. It was wonderful. I got so much stuff.

As I was laying my items on the filthy conveyor belt, I got sort of worried that I wouldn,t be able to pay for it all with food stamps. I had never bought food with such reckless abandon before. I was wrong. I paid for it easily and I even have a ton left over for the rest of the month. I,m glad I,m finally getting to spend some of the taxes that I have been paying for the past ten years of my life. I am going to drink juice until I throw up.

Getting To Know

I,m getting so good at naps. I have been practicing a ton lately. I,m getting to the point where I can wake up at the same time each day without even setting an alarm. I don,t know if that is they type of skill that one puts on their resume, but I,m going to do it. If I were an employer, I would appreciate that. If I were an employer, I would be in jail.

I went to a bar for the first time in years. The place wasn,t very cool. It was full of noisy, obnoxious people who were shouting into their phones at the significant others about how angry with them they were. People blew smoke directly into my face and lungs and an ugly man with blonde dreadlocks did yoga very close to me.

Oren Ambarchi - Stacte Karaoke Sitting next to my friends while they drank poisons and regaled me with stories about famous people doing completely insane amounts of drugs was fun, but being surrounded by so many goons was not. It was like going to a show, but it was a little bit better because it wasn,t so loud, but it was also a little bit worse because it wasn,t so loud that I couldn,t hear what the morons around me were saying.

The best part of the evening was when we went to a Mexican restaurant that I hadn,t been to in years. The chips were so hot that you had to blow on them and my burrito was embarrassingly large. It was pretty good, but the real pay off came the next morning when I was at work and had to hold my overwhelmingly dense farts in for four hours because the office that I sit in does not have any windows and I haven,t worked there long enough to feel like I am able to rip an incredibly gnarly fart without getting fired.

Luxuriant Softness

I went to a gigantic metal show the other night. That was strange. The show itself wasn,t that strange, but it was strange that I went to a metal show. I don,t even listen to metal. The place was completely full of weirdos and everything was too loud and one of the people I went with got a stomachache from eating burnt yet undercooked chicken at a convenience store. It was a weird mix of things.

The best part of the night was watching some fourteen year old rip a huge vape load and then blow the smoke directly into the back of the head of the stranger in front of him. That guy,s hair was steaming and smoking for several minutes afterward. I had never seen anything like it. It was like he was a cartoon that was really mad. There truly was steam coming off of his brain. He probably got contact high via osmosis.

Pregnant Women - The Bagel Town Diaries The other best part of the night was getting home so late and being so tired that I didn,t even brush my teeth before going to bed. I haven,t done that in a while. I felt like a kid again. It was nice. I liked knowing that my teeth were getting destroyed at a faster rate that night because I was lazy. It feels good to destroy your own body on purpose.

I had to work the next morning at seven, but it didn,t matter because my new job is so insane that I only have to work for about the first quarter of the time I,m there. I don,t make any money, but I guess that,s to be expected. I am going to die soon because I,m going to run out of money, I signed up for food stamps, but they,re going to have to send them to my grave.

The First Day Of Summear

My Death Cab For Cutie cover band is recording an album right now and last night I had to record some singing and it almost made me throw up. It was crazy. It also gave me the worst, most piercing headache I have ever experienced. Now I feel like I got beaten up. I am way too old for music. I can,t even say words into a recording machine without hurting myself. My body was not made to last this long. I can,t believe I,m still alive.

Those car exorcists finally got the ghost out of my ugly vehicle. They sure charged me a pretty penny for it. I could have definitely bought a car in the same condition as mine for that money. I guess that,s what I get for being a dope. I made the guy at the car hospital promise me that if I paid him that crazy amount of money, nothing bad would ever happen to me or my car again, though. So I guess I,m invincible now.

The Soft Pink Truth - Why Do The Heathen Rage? I only have four more days of work at my dumb job. Thank heavens. I like being so close to the finish line that I can see it. It,s comforting. It,s so comforting that I am doing an even worse job than I normally do. It,s great. I,m not worried about being reprimanded and I,m certainly not worried about being fired. That would actually be a good thing. Then I could get unemployment.

Speaking of unemployment, I,m excited to try my hand at the food stamp game again. I am sure that I will definitely be poor enough to qualify for them after this week. I am not looking forward to having to go to the food stamp factory and sit in a big, smelly room with a bunch of ghouls, but if that,s what it takes to get a free eighty dollars every month to spend on popsicles and noodles, then I,ll do it.

Wearing A Hat

I really don,t like riding my bike. I,ve had to do it a lot for the past few days because my car has a ghost inside of it. I took it to a specialist who is currently trying to lure it out with promises of Ecto Cooler flavored Hi-C, but in the meantime, I can,t drive anywhere. I have to pedal around on my smelly, ugly bike. I actually don,t think it,s smelly or ugly, but I still don,t like riding it.

I used to ride it a lot when I was really poor and couldn,t afford to drive. I guess I,m going to be in that position again shortly because of my whole quitting-my-job-without-a-reasonable-source-of-income thing, but whatever. Discomfort brings about epiphany, right? I am an idiot.

Cherub - 100 Bottles I didn,t like riding it back then, but I like it even less now. I think in the five or so years since I last regularly rode that thing around, I have discovered that I enjoy comfort a whole lot. Riding a bike is uncomfortable. I have a plush leathery, springy seat on there, but that,s not enough. I still have to pedal. I still have to have leaves and bugs blown in my face. I still have to get sweaty. It takes to long. I am a gigantic baby.

I,m glad I still have a bicycle, though. This week would be even less fun without one. My only other options would be the bus which I really don,t like because it,s gross and costs money, walking which is pretty good, but takes too long, or skateboarding which would be the worst because even though I used to skateboard a lot when I was a kid, using it as a form of transportation is terrible. Every pebble is an enemy. Every crack is an angry foe. Every cool kid that sees me trying to skateboard would laugh at me.

Good And Nice

About two square feet of the floor in my kitchen has been very slippery for the past week or so. It,s confusing and dangerous. I didn,t spill any lube in the kitchen. I don,t know why it,s so slick. I almost fall every time I,m in there. I tried scrubbing it away, but it,s still slippery. Maybe that is just part of the life cycle of a kitchen floor. I don,t know. I have never seen a documentary about kitchen floors and that is the only way I learn things.

A few minutes ago, I quit the job that I have had for over five years. I,ve never missed a day of work. I,ve never called in sick. I,m bragging. I like quitting jobs. It,s a rare experience. I tend to keep jobs for either very long or very short periods of time. Quitting is nice. People should quit things more often. I want to become addicted to heroin so I can quit.

My other job doesn,t pay me nearly enough money to live so this is going to be a fun, stupid transition. I was super poor for a year or so when I was in college. I,ll just go back to living like that. That means that I,ll have eat warm water for dinner and ride my stupid bike everywhere. I,m not looking forward to either of those things, but I am looking forward to not working as much for a while. That will be alright.

Death Grips - Niggas On The Moon I have wanted to quit for a long time, but I could never motivate myself to do it. I don,t make very much money, but I have really great health benefits and the job is often extremely easy. I have been paid to watch television a whole lot during these past five years. It is also very annoying. There is a gigantic kitchen that I can use to make meals, but I do not get any breaks so if I try to cook something and then somebody needs help, my dinner is ruined. I don,t like making beds and cleaning up after people. I don,t like plunging toilets and getting diarrhea water in my mouth and eyes.

The real catalyst for my quitting is the terrible Cimex lectularius. I have hated them for as long as I can remember. They are the essence of terror. They bring about both itching and infestation; two of my very least favorite things. Yesterday, there was an overwhelming outbreak at my work and it made me so uncomfortable that I decided with absolute certainty that I would tender my resignation. The best part about all of it was that I got to use the word "tendering."