Proven Eye

I went to a Halloween party the other night for under thirty minutes. I was surprised to only see one girl dressed up as the ballerina with black eyes from that movie called The Ballerina With Black Eyes. Everybody was great. The living room was full of weird gangsters and the balcony was full of girls yelling. Somebody offered me a marijuana, that was nice of them. A group of girls asked me to take their picture and to make them feel more comfortable I started yelling instead of talking and I took their picture on two instead of three in hopes that they would all have their eyes closed.

The next night I went to a weirdo music performance that I paid thirty five dollars to see. The music was weird but the weirdest part was going from watching a girl dressed as a bear yell at some guy standing eighteen inches from her about how she always fails quizzes in all of her classes the night before to being surrounded by bummed out old people who were not into what was going on on stage. It was cool that some of them walked out. I always like it when my Death Cab For Cutie cover band plays and people walk out. Sometimes that,s the point but even when it,s not, it,s still nice to bother somebody so much by something that you make that they have to leave. People are usually lazy too so it really means a lot to me if I can compel somebody to use energy and effort to move their body away from mine.

Jimmy Wakely Trio - The Fabulous Jimmy Wakely Trio
I,m surprised that nobody has harassed me about dressing up today. I spent all year planning on what I would say when somebody asked me why I didn,t dress up for Halloween. If it happens, I,ll tell them that I,m dressed as a child molester because they can look just like you and me. It,s a didactic costume really. Also, there is always that slight chance that I would say that to somebody who was either molested as a child or is the parent of a child who has been molested and they will beat me up. Almost anything I do anymore is motivated by the hope that I will get punched in the face.

I guess I could also say that I,m dressed up as the photographic proof that Osama Bin Laden is dead. I,m not wearing a costume because there is no proof and he is really alive living just outside of Las Vegas counting his money.

Wheezing

This morning I woke up early in order to give the hospital a fresh sample of my seminal fluid. That was fun. It wasn,t really that fun. It cost me ten dollars. That was a bummer. I did finally have the opportunity to say, ,,I am here to give you my sample,, while sliding a brown paper bag across a counter towards a middle age woman while raising and lowering my eyebrows repeatedly. I should have whispered to her, ,,Don,t worry, I won,t tell if you keep a little for yourself,, and then winked at her.

I hope they find out that I have been sterile my whole life and that me getting my tubes removed was useless. That would be a neat little surprise. An even nicer surprise would be if they told me that I have even more potent sperm than before. The best surprise would be if they told me I am H.I.V. positive. Let,s hope for that one. What a great Halloween that would be.

Secret Mommy - Extra Various
The weirdest part about giving a stranger a bag full of my goose juice was when she folded the top of it extra hard. I had already done the polite thing by folding and creasing the top so as not to let any sight of my ghastly seed be visible to anybody. Apparently this wasn,t enough though. She folded it again in a very angry, severe way. It made me feel like she knew just how bad of a person I really am.

She was not very helpful. When I asked her if she had any idea where I could find the lab results she told me she didn,t know. She said, ,,Maybe check the internet or maybe your doctor,s office.,, I left it at that but I don,t know what ,,check the internet,, means and I don,t have a doctor,s office. I guess I,m going to have to analyze things myself. I,ll have to try to get a bunch of people pregnant. If they don,t poop out a baby in a few months then I,ll know I,m in the clear. If they do, I,ll have to go back to the drawing board and change my name and move out of state.

Masturbating At Work

I,m feeling weird and sick right now. I feel barely sick. I feel like I drank out of an old copper mug that was rusty. I don,t know if copper can rust, but I,m sure if it could that it would make me sick if I drank from a container made of it. How about that for a start? I bet you can,t wait to read what comes next. I,m talking to myself. This is ridiculous. I paid ten dollars so I could have a website that nobody will ever see.

Whenever I feel sick I am compelled to drink a lot so I pee a lot because all bad things come out of the pee-hole. Pee comes out of there, sexually transmitted diseases come out of there, babies come out of there (that is only applicable with girl penises), sickness comes out of there if you drink enough water. I tried to look up why you,re supposed to drink a lot of water when you,re sick but I couldn,t. I found an answer online that simply said, ,,So you can pee the sickness out,, which sounds neither professional nor scholarly.

Drunkdriver - My Chinese Sister
I don,t think I,m really sick though. I,m probably just confused. I have only eaten bread or things that are made out of bread for the past five years so maybe what I,m feeling is my body begging for actual food. I did eat part of a baby goat the other day. Maybe my stomach isn,t capable of handling tender goat flesh. Who knows? A doctor would know but I,m not about to be a grown up and schedule anything. Besides, I bet I,ll feel better by tomorrow morning after I eat a lot more bread and probably potatoes or something. As long as it,s beige, I,ll put it into my body.

When I was in high school there was a kid named Larry that would eat weird stuff if you gave him money. I don,t think he was really poor or anything, he just didn,t have a personality and that was the way he liked to get attention. I saw him eat a smashed banana that somebody had thrown in the dirt on the baseball diamond once. Baseball dirt is the worst. It,s so coarse. It,s like cat litter. I wonder what Larry is doing today. He had very straight, greasy hair.

Two In A Row

The other day I went on a short trip with some of my friends. Actually, it was the other days. I was gone for two or three days and hung out with some Japanese people with long hair. It was a good time. I went to the beach but kept all of my clothes on because that,s the polite thing to do when you look like I do. I,m a gelatinous skeleton.

The first night of the trip I got to see a guy dressed up in a very short skirt. His name was Ben. He kept lifting his skirt to show his underwear. He was very full of himself and it made me uncomfortable. People shouldn,t be that into who they are. Nobody is really that cool. I,m probably the coolest person I know and I am not that great to be around a lot of the time. Ben sucked. I,m glad I,m not his friend.

Quiet Countries - The Ancient Motorcade

The next day I was in a very college town. Apparently there was legislature that was recently passed there that made it illegal to wear any footwear that isn,t UGG boots if you are a female between the ages of four and one hundred. There was a restaurant there that I really wanted to go to but didn,t for reasons that I can,t remember. It was a French fry restaurant that offered many, many different seasonings and dipping sauces. I think every block of every city should have a restaurant like that of varying quality and size. That way everybody could have their favorite place and people could say things like, ,,Let,s go get fries over at the spot on nineteenth street, they have the best weird wasabi sauce.,, And then the other guy would say, ,,No way, their fries are way too thick. I like thick fries but their,s are way too thick. They don,t get firm enough in the middle. Let,s go to the spot on twelfth street.,, and they would both agree because that place is awesome even though it,s really busy sometimes.

The day after that I was in a different city. It was cold and there was a famous rat painted on a wall that people were taking pictures of. That night was fun. I met up with some more friends and ate some chips and drove home really late and got three and a half hours of sleep before going to work in the morning. Before all of that driving home and not sleeping business, I sat in a room and somebody insinuated that I was doing heroin. I don,t think I was. I did poop that night though. That was nice. I hadn,t pooped in the few days prior which was strange because I had eaten Taco Bell every day.