Staying Up Pretty Late

I,m going to drive a thousand miles in a few days. That,ll be weird. I,m going to drive to a very small town and sit there for a month and then drive back. I think I,m doing it to punish myself. I won,t say exactly where I,m going, but I,ll give you a hint - The people there are famously homophobic. I,ll give you another hint - there is nothing there. Do you give up? I don,t care.

I plan on rolling around in the dirt and singing country songs to myself all day while I,m there. I also plan on getting mean looks from the local townsfolk because of my sweaters and weak wrists. Maybe it would be a better idea to adopt the look of the natives. I could wear a cowboy hat and hold a beer and gain a lot of weight. That would be my only defense. If I can blend in, maybe I won,t get chained to a fence to death.

The Roots - Do You Want More?!!!??! I don,t really know what to bring. I plan on bringing a small chair that my friend gave me recently because, like I always say, why stand when you can sit and why sit when you can lie down? I don,t know if they have chairs there. I,ll be a king among men if they don,t.

Horse repellant is also on my list, but I don,t know if that,s a real thing. I was looking at Google Street View of an area near where I will be and there were horses in the road and that is terrifying. It might be easier to buy some horse poison because I,m almost certain that that is a real thing. Horses are like cockroaches throughout most of the world. I don,t know why people treat them like animals here. All horses want to do is smash people,s heads with their metal feet.

Who knows if there will be internet access there? I am betting on the town being little more than old, cartoon, wooden outhouses and antelope skeletons. I,m going to be excited if they have running water that isn,t full of tadpoles. I,m going to be even more excited if there is a real scarecrow there. I,m going to be the most excited if everything is black and white because they are living so far in the past.

High Fives

Two months ago I went to the bank to put my flaccid paycheck in there and on the way out I saw a roll of quarters sitting on a chair. Normally, I would have just popped that sweet, silver ten dollars in my pocket and rewarded myself with some food I didn,t need or something, but since it was in a bank, I figured that I would go to prison for the rest of my life if I did that. Instead, I picked it up and slid it through the little hole in the window in front of the bank teller and told them that it was sitting on a chair. I probably looked really annoyed. I was annoyed that I was doing the good thing. I don,t know if it,s the good thing if I only did it because I was afraid of getting in trouble.

Today I went to the bank and they gave it back to me because they said nobody had claimed it. I had forgotten about it so that was a sassy little surprise. I would have enjoyed taking it two months ago more though, I think. It always feels nice to quickly see something that isn,t yours and put it in your pocket and walk away. I once found a one hundred dollar bill on the ground in a casino and I felt like a superhero/spy when I picked it up. I probably wasted it on something stupid like a present for a girl that I don,t like or on something practical like paper towels. I,ll take one hundred dollars worth of paper towels, please.

Squarepusher - Enstrobia I hope that nobody thinks that they should turn something in if they find it. I know that I was rewarded with ten dollars in quarters this time for doing it, but I have lost much more than I have gained with this tactic. I once found a wallet that had forty dollars in it and I turned it in to a police station but I wrote a mean note and left it in it because I was mad at myself for not stealing the money so I thought I would take it out on him. Nothing good came from that. I should have kept it.

Another time I found a purse with twenty five hundred dollars in it at work. I had no idea what to do and since it was so much money I thought I would definitely get in trouble if I didn,t turn it in and the police would probably get called and be mad at me because I,m a white male and police always treat white males the worst. The jerk that left the purse came back to get it and was rude and didn,t even give me a thousand dollars as a thank you. My boss gave me fifty dollars because I didn,t steal it, but it would have been way cooler to have kept it. I regret being scared of repercussions every second of every day.

Expenses

Yesterday I went to the dentist even though I was supposed to go today. I think I annoyed the small Asian man that was stabbing my mouth with hooks. I was asking him questions and I don,t think most people do that. Maybe he liked the conversation and he just acts annoyed when he likes things. I bet some people do that sometimes.

I sort of felt like I was harassing him. He put polish on my teeth and after he was finished I asked him if he put polish on my teeth. He told me that he did and I asked him why. He said he wanted to make my teeth ,,smooth,, which I thought was a weird thing to want to do to somebody,s teeth. I asked him if there were any health benefits to putting polish on my teeth and he said no and I think that bothered him. Maybe it seemed like I was trying to devalue his job. I wasn,t really. That job seems dumb already and he probably knows that. He probably just likes money. I bet he buys expensive stuff and breaks it and doesn,t care. That,s why I like him.

White Suns - Sinews
Later, my Death Cab For Cutie cover band played some awful noise on the radio. It was weird and fun and sweaty. I was wearing a purple shirt and I almost never wear purple shirts. I wonder if anybody noticed. We were supposed to be there at five and arrived much later and we were a mess and the guy who set up all the wires and cables was mad. I thought his name was Fenners but it was Fenris and that is not nearly as good. Fenners is a good name for a middle age guy with long, stringy hair who eats warm vegetables out of Tupperware and cusses to himself. I wish his name was Fenners.


After we played some dumb songs they let us be annoying and talk on the radio and that,s just what I did. The worst part about it was that I was in this tiny little room with several other people, some of them cute girls, and I was sweaty and gross and wearing a purple shirt and smelled like hose water. I also read a public service announcement about hepatitis B and I,m worried that everybody thinks I picked that one to read because I have hepatitis.

Finally Working

When I was a junior in high school I had a discussion with a kid in my math class about what kind of person would be best to eat. I have a pretty bad memory, but that conversation is something that has stuck with me. It,s probably because we were being so honest and it was really nice to have an open exchange of ideas with somebody without fear of judgement. It was probably one of the best, most important discussions I have been a part of.

It was decided immediately that one should eat a girl. I think the joke was because it would be gay to have a guy in your mouth but the truth is that girls generally have a better fat-to-muscle ratio. You don,t want to eat somebody who looks like me - an emaciated, hairy, ghoulish idiot. For one thing, there would hardly be any meat. Secondly, it would smell like burnt hair. It would be a mess. Realizing this put all of my fears of being eaten to rest.

Toro Y Moi - Causers Of This
We decided that the best type of girl to eat would be one of the girls that was on the basketball team. Those girls were constantly moving, constantly building muscle, and many of them were kind of overweight. Maybe they used to be trim but they got dumped by their boyfriend and sort of let themselves go. Whatever the reason, they had now become the apple in the pig,s mouth of my eye. Those were the ones we thought would make the best meal.

The reason we decided that chubby girls would be the best is because of what we knew about beef. People say that the more fat that is spread throughout the meat, the more tender and flavorful it will be. This is known as marbling and we figured that it was probably the same for high school girls. All of this is going to be submitted as evidence in court when I finally get in trouble for doing something bad. I,m writing my own prison sentence.

I think by the time we picked out two or three specific girls who we would eat, class was about to end and we had not listened to anything the tiny Asian teacher had said and we had not done any work. It was probably for the best that we stopped talking about it though because we are gross and shouldn,t be allowed to express that openly around other minors.