Both Of Us

My body is falling apart. Everything is going wrong with it. I am so weak that I just went outside for less than sixty seconds and the wind put a piece of dirt in my eye and now I can,t breath or see. My nose hasn,t worked in a long time. I forget what it,s like to be able to taste food. My skin has been replaced with scales. I can,t remember anything. I am dying.

Yesterday, a woman came into my work and she had Lady In The Radiator Disease. Her cheek-jaws were very, very big and round. I had never seen anything like it. Also, her teeth were very small and grey. The future is now and it,s weird as heck. My body is breaking, but I am very thankful that I don,t have an upside down light bulb head.

Gavin Bryars - Jesus, Blood Never Failed Me Yet I have to fill out a thing for the people that own my apartment today. I have to list all of the things that are wrong with it. So far I have -

1. The electrical outlet in the bathroom doesn,t work.
2. The toilet smells like pee after I pee in it.
3. It,s dirty in here.
4. It,s too hot.
5. I can hear my neighbor talking at night.
6. The cabinets are too loud.
7. Some people were cussing outside.

I don,t think that they can kick me out for thinking that I,m a maniac if I haven,t hurt anybody, so I think I,ll be alright submitting this list. I hope they fix my neighbor. The other night, I could hear him talking on the phone so clearly that I could understand what the person on the other end was saying. That was insane. They weren,t even talking about anything cool. Business and work that I don,t care about or understand is not cool.

Bone Shards

There was a convention at my work during the past two days. The convention goers were people who knew how to speak a made up language. That,s what the convention was about. There were maniacs all around me who had devoted probably thousands of hours to learning a language that some guy made up and that almost nobody uses. There were even two kids who had to have been taught it from birth. That,s insane. Their mother is insane. She looked like an even uglier version of the ugly sister from that show Charmed.

That show is insane too. It is probably the worst show I have ever seen. Two of the people at my work are so ugly and stupid and they are married or friends with benefits. They slept in the same bed together. They were so gross. I am really happy that they found one another. They deserve it. They are too dumb to be unhappy. I bet they have a nice life.

Jamie Lidell - Jamie Lidell I got that dumb apartment. Well, I gave a lady hundreds of dollars and she told me that I get to have it later. I hope she wasn,t lying. I guess that could happen. I definitely remember why I hate moving. Moving sucks. I don,t like putting things in boxes and getting dust in my mouth and throwing stuff away and then regretting it. I also have extremely severe allergies right now so that means that I keep sneezing on everything as I,m packing it. Everything is ruined.

Switching Everything

I sent a fax for the first and probably last time in my life today. That was weird. It is weird using a new form of communication for the first time. I don,t really mean that it,s new, but it was new to me. It,s something that people in television shows from twenty-five years ago did. I am just guessing that. I don,t think I have seen a television show from twenty-five years ago. That might not be true. The Simpsons is really old.

The best part about sending a fax for the first time ever is that I called the place that I sent it to about thirty minutes after and they said the only thing they had received was all smudged and illegible. I,m glad that I ruined my only attempt at that. I emailed it to them afterward. They were nice and understanding about how stupid I am. I don,t know how text turned into smudges during the transmission, but I,m glad that it did because that is crazy. That also means that one hundred percent of the things that I have faxed have become blobs. I like that ratio - one for one.

Slow Head - Concealer I was faxing stuff to the people that rent out the apartment that I checked out last week. I had already given them all of the necessary documentation to prove that I am a human being and they never called me back so I called them and bugged them and they told me that I had been denied because I don,t make enough money. I laughed and laughed. The joke was on them. I do make enough money. I told them that and then the lady I was talking to told me that if I send them numbers from my bank, I can have the place. Who knows if that,s true? I don,t. I don,t know, but I tried it anyway.

The lady was nice. She had a funny name. I appreciated that because I have a kind of funny name. I wonder if she thought that about me. I hope I get to meet her. If I get the place, I am going to send her a basket of apples because they are gross, but that seems like something a lady who works at a place with phones would like.

Old Folks

I think I,ve decided to move out of my disgusting apartment into a different disgusting apartment. Well, ideally it won,t be disgusting at first, but I will work as hard as I can to change that. I will bring in my filth and horror and fill this new home with awful memories. First I have to find a place to fit my needs. Then I can move in there and start ruining it.

I,ve been looking the past couple days and I found a good place, but I don,t think it exists anymore. I think some other idiot swooped it up before me. I,m not sure. I called about it today and used a funny accent and they said that it was rented, but I called later using my standard accent and they said that it was on hold for a couple of days. I don,t know what that means. All I know is that my hopes are up really high and if I don,t get it, I,m going to freak out and smash all of my belongings so I,ll be able to live in my car for free without needing to worry about where to keep my stuff. I hope I get it.

Laid Back - ...Keep Smiling I looked at a different place today and it was gross, but not the kind of gross that I want to be a part of. It was a pee gross. It smelled like pee. I didn,t even bother looking at everything. I just smelled the pee and heard the screaming dog and met a neighbor who had two dead teeth and I knew that it wasn,t for me. One dead tooth is the maximum allowable amount of dead teeth. More than that is just rude. You don,t need to flaunt, lady.