Breathing Hard

Last night I went to a dumb punk show. It was dumb because punkers are dumb. There was so much dark clothing and black girls with blond hair and leather and patches and refusal to follow societal norms of basic human hygiene and courtesy. Somebody dropped their weed pipe and the weed pipe broke and spilled weed and pipe glass all over the floor. 4:20 foul. As some girl was throwing the smokey shards in the trash, my friend suggested that somebody scrape the resin out of the bowl and smoke that. A real punker would never let weed scrapings go to waste.

I spent a lot of the show outside trying to absorb the local character and secondhand smoke and spit. A lot of people were spitting. I also wanted to watch the homeless guy that was in the alley shake as he tried to fight off his internal demons in a restless, dreamless sleep. Myself and two of my friends we sitting in the small, holocaust-style barbed wire enclosed area outside when two strange, office casual, mid thirties women came out and asked for cigarettes. They stood on the other side of the fence and one of them started weeping. She was very upset about her treatment by the patrons of the boring show.

Deerhoof - Deerhoof VS. Evil
She explained to her friend that, ,,I should be at a nice bar sipping cocktails. Somebody in there stepped on my foot and now it,s probably all bloody and swollen. I don,t want to get punched anymore. I,m thirty-one years old, I can,t deal with this. Nobody has a cigarette. Brad is being a total douche bag. I am so pissed off that you are the only person that came out here. Somebody kicked my leg".

All of this was said with the eerie wail that adult women have when they are crying or trying to get attention. Her name was Ryan but I bet it was spelled Ryenne. It was all very surreal. Eventually, Ryenne,s friend convinced her to go back inside because it was cold and they were there to support a friend. The friend they were supporting was a bald guy with a matted bug beard and fingerless skeleton gloves that may or may not have glowed in the dark at some point. I am so glad that they both paid to go to a dumb show and got their Target brand faux leather shoes stepped on by some ugly kids wearing Crass patches. Thanks to them, I have decided to kill myself before I turn forty.

Blue

Last night, a friend of mine said that if he had one wish it would be for me to have texting. I wonder if you can even remove the texting option on newer phones. I doubt it. I think new phones can only text. They are just used for texting and playing really distorted rap music in public places and using Facebook to ask girls to have sex.

Me and the old Death Cab For Cutie cover band wrecked a potentially cool show last night. My friend felt bad enough for us to ask us if we wanted to play and we eagerly agreed to ruin the evening. Whatever, I'm sure nobody noticed because all of the songs we play sound like we mess up a lot because we mess up a lot when we,re playing those songs. That,s what you get when you don,t practice or write good songs.

Mansion Closets - You Always Do This
There were some strange characters there last night. There was one guy with a staunch neck beard that kept offering me Chaptick. I had my own so I politely declined his repeated offers. He then told me I should go home and watch some Jay and Silent Bob clips on Youtube because I would ,,laugh my ass off,,. Boy was he right. Jokes about weed and sex and masturbating have never been in higher demand. I crave them. I need them.

I remember when I was a kid and a lot of my friends first figured out that drinking alcohol makes you feel weird. There was this kid who really figured it out. I vividly recall him drinking a whole lot of a bottle of vodka with tears running down his face. I think we were probably thirteen at the time. He,s dead now, thank God. He did the old take-a-bunch-of-pills-and-fall-asleep-forever-on-purpose thing. Good for him. Reaching your goals can be fun. What if his crying parents read this. Bummer.

He probably would have liked Jay and Silent Bob clips on Youtube. I was at a party with him once and they kept playing the movie Super Troopers over and over and in one of the bedrooms there was a kid looking at clips of the Super Troopers on Youtube.The kid watching those clips told me that he wanted to have sex that night and a few minutes later his girlfriend broke up with him.

The Proudest Liar

I have been driving way too much lately. Yesterday I drove over three hundred miles. What a jerk I am. I have no respect for the environment. I had to drive to San Francisco really, really early in the morning to do some stuff that wasn,t fun. Then I had to drive to the mountains to hang out with my Death Cab For Cutie cover band and pretend to play music. I don,t know why we keep doing that. All we do when we get together is 4:20.

A friend just came and hung out with me for a bit. All we did was eat. She had never been around here so I forced her to eat all of the local cuisine. Remember Kid Cuisine frozen dinners? My dad used to get those for my brother and me when we were (alliteration) younger sometimes. Mostly we ate steak though. My dad sure loves steak. I remember one of the desserts in the Kid Cuisines was a weird mashed apple with cinnamon. It wasn,t applesauce. It was like somebody took a small piece of bad apple pie and mashed it through their fingers as a joke. Well the joke sure was on me.

David E. Sugar - Memory Store
My friend played a strange joke on me right before she left. She left weird things around my apartment for me to find. She left a bunch of burnt cookies on the stove, a broken electrical cord under a table, soiled jeans in a corner, a nickle in the doorway, and dandruff all over the couch. She is pretty smart so I bet this is one of those intellectual jokes that I usually don,t understand. It,s probably a riddle about consumerism or something.

I want to cut my hair. I don,t know how to do it myself and I am not going to pay anybody to do it for me so my head will probably end up looking like a strip of infant rats live on it. I need to make myself look uglier anyways. I don,t get enough attention looking as average as I do. I want people to gasp in horror and delight when they see me. I want strangers to shake my hand and congratulate me for surviving to my age because they will assume that I have some horrible disease because of the way I look. If Martin Luther King Jr. can have a dream, I can have one too.

Taking A Quick Dip

Sushi is such a bummer. It is way too expensive and has never filled anybody up. It doesn,t even fill up those waste-y, semitranslucent girls in those porn videos I don't watch because they scream and moan really weirdly. It,s super breathy and high pitched but kind of infantile sounding. That is an instant boner killer. I guess any weird noise can be a boner killer though - farting, a loud clap, garbage men talking outside of my window, a homeless woman fighting with something. These can all be great sounds but they have to be heard in the appropriate setting.

I remember telling this kid I knew in high school that I would pay him if got his slightly younger sister to fart in front of me. I only ever mentioned it to him when they were both around so she would hear me propositioning him. He always said no and acted like he was too cool. It,s not like Stephanie farting on me would soil his familiy,s name. I probably wouldn,t have even told that many people.

Yesterday I bought sushi for four dollars and it had the equivalent mass of two normal bites of a sandwich. I hope I have finally learned my lesson. Sushi is a waste. I know Japanese people are usually dead on when it comes to everything but I think they messed this one up. Maybe it,s just because I,m a dumb American and want everything served on top of a pizza.

Caving - U.S. Caves
Other than dumb rice and seaweed, I also sampled one of Japan,s most famous dishes known simply as ,,International Cheese,,. It was a piece of bread in the shape of an old shoe with some cheese and grease in the middle/bottom. It was pretty good. I would eat it again if I had to. It was the same price as the other stuff and way more filling.

I think I am at the point where I am much more concerned with quantity rather than quality. I,m sure it,s because I,m so poor. I generally buy food that is all the same color (beige) close to the same flavor (bland) filling (diarrhea) and cheap (I need to try and get food stamps again). That means I exist thanks to pasta and potatoes. I thought I was going to list a bunch of foods but I could only think of two things that I eat. Yikes.

Hidden Items

When I was much younger, I stayed the night at my friend,s house and we ordered a pay-per-view porn on his television. We looked through the list of all the available titles and ended up picking, When The Boys Are Away The Girls Will Play. After he confirmed buying it, we started worrying that his parents would get the bill and it would have the name of the movie on it and we would get in trouble. Then we started worrying that the title would be written incorrectly and would say When The Girls Are Away The Boys Will Play and his parents would think we were gay and we would get in trouble.

I don,t know what most fourteen year old boys do when the spend the night at their friend,s house but I had never watched porn with any of my friends before. It was weird and we quit watching it and started watching Blue Streak, that movie with Martin Lawrence. We had bought a bunch of these strange candies earlier that day that were little wax bottles filled with sugary juice. We were biting the tops off of them and drinking the juice and throwing the wax bottles outside in the snow because they blended in and you couldn,t see them anymore. I remember him having a Sega Dreamcast but no games.

Motmos, People Like Us & Wobbly - Wide Open Spaces
Earlier that night, we went miniature golfing and it was freezing outside and nobody else was playing. There was a small pond on the course and my friend tried to stand on it but the ice broke and his leg got wet. That was at the beginning of the course so he had to walk around at night with a wet, frozen leg. We then both broke our golf clubs by smashing them against some obstacle at one of the holes. Then we threw our golf balls into the road.

The next morning his parents were gone so we played Eminem really loudly on their stereo and ran around his giant house that was shaped like boobs. From the outside it looked like two big domes right next to each other with a twisty chimney in the middle. We always called his house The Boobs. It was always fun staying at The Boobs. I only did it twice. The other time I stayed it was summer and we jumped off of a bridge into a lake.

She Did Not Do That

My only goal last year was to write at least four articles on here each month. I ruined that in the first month and then tried to make up for it by being extra long-winded and boring. I succeeded at that. I don,t know what the goal should be for this year. Maybe I,ll try to write something interesting. I will give myself one whole year to write one interesting thing. It doesn,t even need to be an interesting story. It can be an interesting sentence. It can be an interesting word.

I was just in the desert for a few days. It smelled like fish and salt and Asian tourists and campfires and tents blowing into the highway. It was a pretty good experience. The second night there, there was a giant wind storm and the the tent blew over so I had to sleep in the car and watch embers from the fire blow passed me like golden bullets. Then it rained. Then I woke up really early and tried to fold up the tent but that didn,t work. Then I left.

The best part of the trip was seeing a gas station that was charging $4.45 per gallon when I bought gas earlier that day for $3.15 per gallon. I wanted to stop there and buy gas just so I could be taken advantage of. If I had a gas station in the desert I would never charge less than ten dollars per gallon and there would be a bunch of hidden fees like buzzard fees, beetle fees, heat fees, etc.

Iris DeMent - My Life
The whole time I was in the desert I was pretending to be in that episode of The Magic School Bus where they go to the desert to help fight desert scarcity. They formed a commission called Students Against Desert Scarcity or S.A.D.S. The lesson that they learned was that all the things living in the desert don,t need help because they have adapted to living in such a horrible place. I saw one creature there that was not so lucky, however. It was a young Asian woman walking in muddy salt wearing brown heels and a white sweater. She was probably a bitch and I wish she would have tripped and fell.

I tasted some of the world famous Low Salt there and it was pretty good. It looked weird and was probably close to being toxic but I would put it on my noodles if I had some at home. All I ate while I was there was stale bread and soup. I even started my own fire like a big boy. The people in the spot next mine made me look bad because they chopped their own wood and rode motorcycles and had a fancy tent that didn,t blow over and they knew what they were doing. The girl I was with ended up sleeping in their tent.