Wheezing

This morning I woke up early in order to give the hospital a fresh sample of my seminal fluid. That was fun. It wasn,t really that fun. It cost me ten dollars. That was a bummer. I did finally have the opportunity to say, ,,I am here to give you my sample,, while sliding a brown paper bag across a counter towards a middle age woman while raising and lowering my eyebrows repeatedly. I should have whispered to her, ,,Don,t worry, I won,t tell if you keep a little for yourself,, and then winked at her.

I hope they find out that I have been sterile my whole life and that me getting my tubes removed was useless. That would be a neat little surprise. An even nicer surprise would be if they told me that I have even more potent sperm than before. The best surprise would be if they told me I am H.I.V. positive. Let,s hope for that one. What a great Halloween that would be.

Secret Mommy - Extra Various
The weirdest part about giving a stranger a bag full of my goose juice was when she folded the top of it extra hard. I had already done the polite thing by folding and creasing the top so as not to let any sight of my ghastly seed be visible to anybody. Apparently this wasn,t enough though. She folded it again in a very angry, severe way. It made me feel like she knew just how bad of a person I really am.

She was not very helpful. When I asked her if she had any idea where I could find the lab results she told me she didn,t know. She said, ,,Maybe check the internet or maybe your doctor,s office.,, I left it at that but I don,t know what ,,check the internet,, means and I don,t have a doctor,s office. I guess I,m going to have to analyze things myself. I,ll have to try to get a bunch of people pregnant. If they don,t poop out a baby in a few months then I,ll know I,m in the clear. If they do, I,ll have to go back to the drawing board and change my name and move out of state.