Changing Your Clothes

Last night I got to almost complete one of my life goals. I don,t have very many life goals and the ones that I do still have are very lackluster, but I don,t care because boring stuff excites me to no end. While I was working yesterday, a weirdo came in smoking a cigarette and drink an ice cold beverage. I told him that he had to go outside if he was smoking and then he yanked a phone out of the wall and left. I didn,t care that much about the phone because I never use it, but he knocked over some stuff that I had to clean up and he left his lit cigarette inside so it smelled bad in here all night. That annoyed me. I mean, I threw the cigarette away outside, but it still smelled bad.

Right after he stole the phone and left, I heard a lady screaming outside. I went out there to tell her to use her inside voice and saw that the weirdo was in her car, trying to steal it as hard as he could. Luckily, he was too stupid and weird to do it. I pretended that I was tough and yelled at him to get out of the car and he did. I don,t want to say that I,m a hero or anything, but I completely saved everybody,s life.

He clumsily limped down the street as I talked to the shaky lady for a minute. She was pretty freaked out, but not that much because she got back in her car and drove away without calling the police. I called the police for her and told them what happened. They didn,t care that much. Some scrawny cop came and talked to me for a second a little while later and didn,t do anything. He left and I thought that was the end of it.

Hours later, a less scrawny cop called me and asked me about what happened and then said that he wanted to come hang out with me because he thought that I seemed like a cool guy. ,,I am a cool guy,,, I said. ,,You won,t be disappointed.,,

He came and hung out for a little while and I regaled him with my tales, but I think he was a little disappointed. He had that look in his eye like he thought I would be taller in real life or something. I didn,t care, though. I was just glad that there was a person in the world who was willing to listen to me talk nonsense for once. He left and told me that his friend was going to come hang out with me later.

Vince Guaraldi Trio - A Charlie Brown Christmas This is when I almost achieved one of my life goals. The less scrawny cop,s friend came by a few hours later. He was serious. He looked like a cartoon cop. His head was a rectangle and he never smiled and he looked like he only dated blonde girls who weighed under one hundred pounds and he was bad at math and hadn,t read a book is nine years and he loved running. He and I sat down and had a frank, solemn discussion. He showed me pictures of weird guys and I got to say which one was the weirdo that I had met earlier that day. It has always been my goal to identify somebody in a police lineup. I mainly just want to stand behind a two-way mirror and point at somebody, but this was the next best thing.

I had to look at six weirdies and decide which one was the weirdest. It was kind of tough because they all sort of looked alike and I mostly remembered the guy,s clothes, but he wasn,t wearing the same clothes in his picture. I had to trust my guy and my gut was saying that it was the guy with the weird eyes and pointy head. I think I picked the right one. I mean, I don,t think it matters because they already caught him and brought back the phone and everything, but I just want all of those boring cops to think that I,m good at remembering.

It wasn,t exactly how I dreamed it would be, but I am probably going to die soon so I will certainly take what I can get. Maybe I,ll just buy my own two-way mirror and replace my front door with it and point at people all I want.