Silence

Today is the last day of this year. That doesn,t mean much, but it does mean a few things. It means that I will be writing the date incorrectly for the next two months and it means that mandarin season is almost over. I guess I hate the start of each new year for the second reason. I wish mandarin season was longer. Two months is a pretty dumb amount of time for the world,s most perfect food to be ripe for the plucking. Six months is much more reasonable.

Now don,t get me wrong, I enjoy a good can of mandarins as much as the next guy, but they don,t compare. They are a completely different thing. They are also absurdly expensive. You don,t get to peel them and I usually only treat myself to one of those tiny cans with the racist portrayal of a Japanese woman on the label about three times a year. They are a dessert item, not a substitute-for-every-meal-and-beverage item like actual mandarins are.

Pete Drake - The Amazing And Incredible Pete Drake Maybe it,s a good thing that they are not readily available all year long. I would probably get pretty sick. My fingernails would fall out. My teeth would turn even yellower than they already are. I would go blind in one eye. My tongue would be covered in citric acid burns. My urine would become worryingly buoyant. My blood would move too quickly. My bones would develop strange curves. My kidneys would burst. Things would get ugly.

My New Year,s resolution is to never write anything again for the rest of my life because this is stupid and I can,t believe I have continued to write for so long. I am an idiot and you are too if you,re reading this. I apologize for making you dumber. Now I am sad.

I have been feeling like I haven,t been wiping very well after I poop lately. I,m usually mistaken. I,m a pretty good wiper, but I have been overly worried about it recently. None of this is related to what I was saying a minute ago, but I felt that it was important.