Making Things Up

I used to think that I liked flying, but that was during a very long period of my life when I didn,t fly. I probably went ten years without being on a plane and for some reason I got it into my ugly brain that being on a plane was cool. I mean, I bet it,s pretty cool if you,re the only person on there. I still want to fly on a private jet and pretend that I,m not poor someday, but flying on a normal plane surrounded by hideous, yelling dopes is not enjoyable at all.

I was just on a plane the other day. Actually, I was on two planes. The first was sort of small and the man sitting directly in front of me had a head that was sweating like a cold glass of milk that was left out on a kitchen table in August. It was gross. Salty beads ran down the sides of his glistening, bald skull like a greasy waterfall. Luckily, the flight was absurdly short. I think I was in the air for less than thirty minutes. It may have only been five minutes. I don,t know. Time does weird things when you,re mesmerized by somebody else,s head sweat.

Oceaán - The Grip EP The next flight was better, but it was very full and took much longer and there were people all around me coughing and chewing and probably farting. Some farts are quiet and airplanes are loud so it,s pretty easy to sneak out a fart without anybody hearing it. Trust me. That,s what I spent most of my time doing.

The highlight of my day spent in the air was when I was getting on the second plane. I was waiting in line and I had just crossed the threshold into the iron beast when a flight attendant looked me up and down and handed me a banana. Shocked and bewildered, I took the curled fruit from his shiny palm and thanked him quietly. I didn,t know what to do. I didn,t know if this was some sort of aviator,s code for something lascivious. Lord knows I didn,t eat the thing. I have never eaten a banana and I wasn,t about to break my lifelong tradition just because I was a few miles about the screaming earth. I guess I,m just going to have to plant it and see what happens.