Gift Hands

I watched hockey for the first time ever yesterday. Well, not ever, but I watched it for more than six minutes and tried to pay attention to what was happening. Clard-Boiled-Egg turned it on because he is from that place where everybody loves hockey. You know, Texas. So we watched it and he kept telling me about the obvious stuff that I didn,t understand. Stuff like tripple plays from the thirty yard line and how Magic Johnson doesn,t have HIV anymore. I mostly just wanted to know about how frequent it was for somebody to get hit in the throat with sticks and who, in the entire history of the NHL, had the biggest beard.

Then I started talking about what I would do if I were the boss of hockey. I would make rules like – If you get a penalty for roughing the kicker or something, you can still keep playing but you can,t play to your full ability. You would have to wear two left skates or a jersey that is way too small. I also like the idea of an SAT style point system where for every goal you make you get one point but for every goal you miss you lose one point. Games would range in the negative hundreds and it would be unheard of for any team to ever break even.

Bygones - Spiritual Bankruptcy
I haven,t watched the Olympics in like 12 years, but I have been keeping up with this one so far. I saw that video of that luger exploding when he flew off the track and smashed into that pole. And I saw that other video when that whale ate that ice-skater. And then the horse-faced Shaun White,s coach or whatever you call the people that train horses cussed and said some weird anti-Semitic stuff on live TV. All of that stuff has been fun but I feel like if I were doing any of this stuff in the Olympics with a billion people watching, I would be going nuts and screaming and spitting all the time. I don’t, understand why people don’t do that. It would really bum out all the tiny Korean dudes that you would be skate-running next to.

Now I,m going to have to spit in somebody,s face to get rid of this anxiety I just built up writing that last sentence. I blame Korea. No, I blame that idiot with stupid, giant soul patch that keeps winning stuff. I wish he never won anything. He looks like he should be hosting Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives on Food Network. Food Network is so much better than the Olympics.