I Hate Cats So Much

In the last two days I have eaten an ungodly amount of cereal. I love cereal. I used to eat it a ton when I was a kid. It,s the easiest thing in the world to make and everybody knows that I am a disgustingly lazy person. Cereal and I went hand in hand. Back in my prime cereal days, I used to really like Corn Flakes. I would usually just eat them with milk. Sometimes though, I would put a diabetic amount of sugar in there. I would put so much that the top would be completely white and when I would shovel down to the bottom of the bowl I would scoop up a wet, gritty mound of gold to accompany the soggy flakes. It was great.

Now I hate sweet stuff. I don,t eat or drink anything fun anymore. Probably because of those goddamn cereals. Everything I eat and drink is boring. When I want to go really wild I will have a glass of orange juice and think about what chocolate looks like. God, even that is making me wince. I usually just boil some red pepper flakes and half of a turnip in my shoe for dinner. That,s about all of the flavor I can handle.

But this cereal I have been eating the passed two days has been insane. I rarely eat cereal anymore because it is way too expensive for a human being. So when I stumble upon a free, huge bag of Silly Circles brand family oat and fruit flavored cereal style breakfast food, I jump at the opportunity. I poured myself a giant bowl of it yesterday and threw in somebody,s expired vegan milk I found and had myself a party. I knew it was going to be bad but I just tried to muscle it down in honor of my younger self.

The Chap - Well Done Europe
Today I did the same thing but there were no more Silly Circles. Somebody had left half of a box of Frosted Mini Spooners and two unopened gallons of one percent milk. Milk is horrible. I rarely drink it so I don,t know what it is supposed to smell like. I always think it has gone bad. Even the one I just opened. The sell by date is like three weeks from now but I knew it was putrid. That always taints my experience. My distrust in milk all stems from me being a hypochondriac about things that hypochondriacs don,t care about. Milk.

The Spooners tasted like a sweet holocaust in my mouth where the Jews and gays were replaced by my flaccid taste buds and delicate sensibility. Complete annihilation. And I usually love cereal that is in that shape. The shredded wheat-sawdust at the bottom of the box, Oh My God. It,s the best. But this was just a pile of sugary ash. Burnt clowns piled in a bog of lemon-curd and ginger. I ate every bite of it.