Coconut Oil

I have a pretty big list of characteristics that I find attractive in people. Girls, I mean. I actually don,t even find girls attractive. Everybody is equally dumb. That,s what our forefathers meant when they wrote that book about the United States. The butter of stupidity has been spread liberally and evenly over this great toast of a country. I referenced butter and toast because it is early in the morning right now and people eat breakfast in the morning. All I ever eat anymore are mandarins.

A lot of the things that comprise my things-about-girls-that-I-find-attractive list, let,s call it the ,,Heart Melters,, list for short, are super specific and kind of weird and might bum out a lot of people. Not really bad stuff like being a really racist girl or a girl that likes to set up car crashes to collect insurance money. I actually wouldn,t mind the insurance money thing though. That sounds kind of neat. Hopefully my dad doesn,t ever read this. He would not approve of insurance fraud.

The list includes wonderful characteristics like -

Short stature, absence of really dumb tattoos, slight speech impediments like a lisp, understanding more than one language, ability to play an instrument, way smarter than me, dresses like a rich bitch, and giant legs. Things like these are normal. Standard heart melters. Generally, if somebody were to possess several or all of these traits my heart would melt, hence the name ,,Heart Melters,,. Then there are a few weird things that I am not as ashamed to admit as I should be.

Some of these include -

Slight brain damage, noncommunicable terminal illnesses, high pain tolerance, crushed soul, hairy, addicted to something detrimental to their well-being, extreme religious beliefs, blind, fat, facial scars, physical deformity like a missing finger or clubfoot, works or has worked in a library, stutter, extremely wealthy, has a pilot,s license, former grade school teacher, former military, botanist, victim of a hate crime, broken ribs, descendant of a historically downtrodden people, royalty, abducted by aliens or ghosts, had acid thrown in her face because she lived in one of those places where that happens sometimes to girls because they are too pretty or won,t get married to some abusive banker, dairy allergy, big nose, perfectly straight teeth, sort of messed up teeth, and her father was a truck driver. Things like that.

Andy Dixon/Montag - Husbands
Keep in mind that these are not comprehensive lists. That would take minutes more to compile and god knows nobody is even reading this.

The strange ones are much more valuable to me because a lot of them are rare and don,t rely on the kind of person that the girl might be. You can,t really choose to have a lisp or be royalty of have a dairy allergy. That,s the real stuff. That's the stuff that is so good that it has to be chosen by nature rather than free will.

Now, I want all of you readers (yeah right) to go through the list and figure out how many of these qualities you possess. Give yourself one point for each one if it is in the top portion (normal stuff)and three points for each one in the bottom portion (weird stuff). Keep track of your total as you progress through the lists. At the end, add up all of the points and if the total is more than thirty, leave a comment at the bottom of this article with your address and your sleep schedule and I should be contacting you shortly.