My Trip To Romania

Last night I went and hung out with a friend. He asked if I wanted to go to a bar with him and this girl and this other girl. I didn,t know the girls and I know bars are dumb but I went anyway, you know, because friends are cool.

Those two girls picked us up. One of them was blond and quiet and hangs out with snowboarders and looked dumb but apparently isn,t that dumb. The other one was fat and had white teeth and talked too much and too loud and her giant boots were shiny and obnoxious. My friend is a handsome guy who looked normal with normal clothes and talks about normal stuff with a normal knife in his pocket. And me, well, I think we all know how fragile and ghastly I am; what with my pubic beard, size small sweaters draped over me like a knit parachute and feeble, weak wrists. We were a perfect little mix.

There was nobody at the bar other than maybe six sad dads watching a television that showed people standing in a field. There was no music, just the sound of tears and the occasional homophobic/homoerotic joke. The room was wet with sadness and dread.

My friend and the quiet girl sat quietly while the pig told me about how she used to live in the south and how now she is a hairdresser. I didn,t care. She asked me what I did and I told her about how uninteresting I am. She didn,t care either but she pretended to. She had fat hands.

Broadcast - Tender Buttons
The next hour went on like that, everybody not caring about each other - we were a real family. Then I got accused of being addicted to porn. I said I was. A little later things got weird when I said that I wanted to eat a dog. The quiet girl sat quietly while the big one degraded me about my diet. I didn,t really care what a twenty nine year old, bag of mashed potatoes hairdresser that dropped out of college and had pants tattooed on her Goliath wrist had to say. I then told her that I hated animals. The quiet one suggested that I eat the fat one,s pet cat. I was interested.

Things got very quiet for a while and then we left. Nobody really talked on the way home. I felt bad because I think my friend wanted to ,,raw dog,, the quiet girl,s butt and I could have ruined it for him. Luckily, he was invited over to her house minutes after we were dropped off at mine. The only stipulation was that I wasn,t allowed to come over.

It was a perfect evening and I could not have asked for anything more. Completely fulfilling and satisfactory in every way.