Jumping On The Bed

I love Independence day so much. I love thinking about how George Washington defeated the Indians and won back The Republic of Rough And Ready after it seceded from The Union, and the World Trade Center and everything. It,s a very important day for me. It makes me proud to live where I do and honor the people that have fallen in the line of duty.

No, I care about that stuff as much as I care about sports. ,,Oh, the flag and pride and the thirty yard line and Joe Montana and beer and lynch Obama.,, Shut up. I don,t think anybody really cares about beating the British anymore. The only thing the fourth of July is good for is throwing fireworks at your friends. That,s all I ever do. California is sort of dumb because you can,t really have cool stuff like you can get in other states. You can only have the kind of fireworks that spin on the ground or gently blow sparks into the air. It,s beautiful in that I,m-sterile-so-I-can,t-have-kids-or-emotions kind of way, you know.

Jeff The Brotherhood - Heavy Days
These weak safety fireworks have necessitated creative adjustments to many of the standard designs by the youth throughout the state. Some of these improvements in design include taking the bases off of Piccolo Petes and lying them on their sides and shooting them at seven year olds in the Home Depot parking lot that you are in, or taking the green plastic balls and throwing them at people,s feet, or my newest discovery, taking ground blooms and holding them until the fuse is almost gone and throwing them as high as you can so they rocket back to the earth with violent force, sending a shower of burning embers in all directions.

All of these things usually end up with an innocent five year old bystander in the hospital with second degree burns on her neck and legs. But isn,t that what the fourth of July is all about? Hurting those around you that are weaker and can,t defend themselves? I have always thought so.