Paper

Tattoos are dumb and Kat Von D is a stupid, ugly bitch. That being said, all I ever do anymore is give people tattoos. It,s my calling in life. I,m glad I found it because it is the only thing that has helped pull me out of my suicidal depression. For a minute there, I was really close to chasing Chris Beeman and smoking a bowl with Jesus and Terri Schiavo. I just had to look up if she is dead or not. Just keeping up on current events.

What I mean by all of this is that last night I gave my poor, patient friend a tattoo with a dirty needle that she found for several hundred hours. It was fun. It was mostly just hanging out and watching movies and eating chocolate and braiding each other,s hair. I,m just full of lies today. It wasn,t that fun because I was stabbing her over and over in the same spot and I can,t draw so it looks like somebody like me, with no experience or talent, tattooed somebody. Permanent Body Bummer.

Matmos - The Civil War
I have always hated that everybody that tattoos people has tattoos. There is a reoccurring conversation in my life about this. I have asked a lot of idiots with tattoos if they would ever be willing to get tattooed by somebody that has never had one. Everybody immediately says no. Sometimes, if people aren,t complete wastes, I can add variables to the equation such as - What if he/she has a large, impressive body of work? Or, What if a friend of yours can testify to his/her expertise? A few people might realize that they are idiots for saying no so quickly and succumb to my overwhelming, perfect genius. Most people are total wastes however, and obstinately refuse to accept the idea that a tattoo ,,artist,, with no tattoos can be good at anything.

The most common reasoning for their staunch idiocy is something like, ,,They can,t be good at it if they haven,t experienced it themselves.,, That,s like saying a brain surgeon wouldn,t be good at his job unless he has undergone brain surgery. Or that a cosmetic surgeon wouldn,t be capable unless he had giant, spherical boobs with a large, stretched-out flat area in between them. Luckily, most surgeons must have numerous procedures performed on them before they get their licenses. It,s the rules. The rules of surgery. And they must never be broken.