Your Internet Personality Is Stunning

I think if I had been alive a few hundred years ago I would have died at a super young age. Now don,t get me wrong, I still plan on dying at a young age so I can leave a strange and magnificent legacy behind me, but I would have died way sooner back then. My allergies would have killed me. I keep finding out that more and more normal things make me ill or feel like I want to kill myself. And then, since I,m such a wa-wa baby, I don,t do anything about it. I don,t blow my nose or kill myself so I guess I should stop complaining. But I won,t.

I,m allergic to stuff like wind, trees, pillows, cold weather and nutrition. If there is any wind at all I can,t see anything and my giant Matterhorn nose either stops working or Summer hits the mountain a little early and all the snow-melt decides to runoff in sickening torrents. When coupled with trees, wind can do severe damage to my frail, semi-translucent body. Besides twigs snapping off and crushing me like the worm that I am, tree dirt and leaf stems hit my eyes and I am blinded for agonizingly long stretches of time.

Pigeon Religion - Dead Boss
To escape the pain and new found disability, I sometimes try to hide in my damp cave of a room and sleep the worries away. There are no allergies in my dreams. Unless I,m having a nightmare. Then it,s only allergies. But I find no sanctuary under my covers. Just debilitating illness. Pillows and blankets make my tissue-paper lungs even more useless. The same goes for cold weather. It,s the best when I,m really cold and can,t breathe and then can,t sleep with any blankets because I might die. The perfect combination.

The most obnoxious and annoying of the bunch are the things I am slowly finding out as I get older. Maybe I,m just growing into my full-blown allergic state. Once there, I will not be able to touch or see or smell anything. I,ll be allergic to color at that point. Good thing all of my friends are white, right? Whoops!

I,m finding out that I,m allergic to food now. I,d like to think that I,m allergic to milk but I just think it tastes bad. Mayonnaise too. But I am allergic to mushrooms. If I eat too many, it feels like a fat guy is punting a football into my stomach. I also can,t eat too many avocados. I just ate a sandwich with some on it and now my mouth feels like it,s full of bumblebees.